After five years you would think triggers wouldn't happen so often. Well what about after 18 years? Recently I've been hit by a few "triggers." They took me far back to places I don't even want to think about. But isn't that what they are? Isn't that part of PTSD? Yup. Completely sucks. The worst part is, once they hit, you really can't get them out of your mind that quickly. You can try distraction, journaling, reading . . . so many different things, but they still come up. About a week or so ago, I was in the car with my b/f. We were turning left. He edged out and this car in front of us that was going straight came so close as if not to let us turn and he shouted out to her, "Why don't you get a little closer you stupid b*tch!" Now I know these kind of comments happen to probably most of us. Not that it helps any situation, in fact, sometimes it can make some situations worse - that's when road rage may get involved. Fortunately, that was not the case. But those words he said . . . stopped me in a heartbeat. I got very quiet and my mind just went backwards over five years. Amazing how that happens. I didn't say much for a while and he asked what was wrong. So the only thing I could do was tell him was, you know what you said to that lady in that car back there? The last time someone said that to me I wasn't in a car. He knew from there what I was talking about and apologized. You know -- I realize the good intentions are there to apologize and it's not like I'm going to hold a grudge because of it. Fact is he didn't know. But even though there is an apology - it doesn't take that ugly feeling away. At least not right away.

Last night I had an caratoid ultrasound to make sure there was no plaque on my arteries. I think there was no purpose for the test, but whatever, my doctor wanted me to have one so I said fine. Of all things I did not expect any kind of triggers from this. My first response was I laughed saying the last time I did this I was pregnant. My b/f said well you better not be now! Oh hell no! Anyway, I was asked to turn my head to the left so she can do the ultrasound on the left artery. I can't tell you what went through my head. Unless you know my entire background, you would understand what I was thinking. Let's just say, when the test was over, I had tears in my eyes, and just told the lady that I hated tests. My b/f was holding my foot the whole time because I couldn't keep them still. My anxiety level was very high, not to mention the thoughts in my head. When we left the office, I broke down and cried in the hallway. He hugged me and we went to the car. I told him what happened 18 years ago. It felt like I was there. Awful, awful, awful. He talked quietly and took me to McD's and got a McFlurry for me. Stupid comfort food, but it helped. By the time I got home I was okay. Still the thoughts were with me some. I took my klonopin when I left the office. I think it helped.

Every now and then I get these flashbacks, triggers, whatever you want to call them. I hate them. Who doesn't. It was so long ago. But at the time, it seems like just yesterday. Actually it feels like you are in that situation at that specific time and moment. Is there any end to them. I have faced those fears, I have talked about them, I have been in therapy because of them, talked to a priest because of them, yet still they lurk inside my mind, not knowing when they will come out. How fair is that?

Simply put, is isn't fair.

Aisha

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Don't feel bad. I still get triggered from things that happened when I was about 6 years old. It's a long time to be carrying such a burden.

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Try to remember that you've not done anything wrong here. You're having a biological/chemical brain reaction and don't have any control over it.

Also remember that you are cared about tons here, ok?

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Blessings,
Jen

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I totally feel for you here. Like the others who replied, please know you arent alone in triggers. They can be such tiny little things that just set us into the past. It can even be a smell or a certain sound.

I still get triggers from when I was a small child and I've been through tons of therapy for that. And I certainly get triggered from 5 years ago still more often then I'd like to admit. You're right, its not fair.

I often wonder if I will be trigger free or if that is even the goal. Maybe the goal is to learn how to handle the triggers and work through them. Which is exactly what you did! Crying is a form of coping and then who cares if the "experts" say comfort food is aweful, if a McFlurry was a bit of reward for making it through the really rough triggers? screw the experts!

Even if it doesnt feel like it, remember you made it through the trigger. Great job!

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Dear Sweet Aisha)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am sorry to hear about the recurrence of the triggers of the traumatic events that are in your past. The last counselor I went to told me this: "This will always be a part of who you are and always affect so many things because these fears just can't be erased like writing something wrong and just removing it." For me, too, Aisha----I am just sick and tired of thinking and talking about all of it. Mine started when I was a very, very young childso reviewing all those years is not gonna happen for me again, She suggested some guided imagery cd's and one has been so powerfully perfect for me and actually healing. So, helpful, that I have loaned it out to several people with deep anxiety from PTSD and I am going to have to order another one. It is from Bellaruth Napperstack and it is called "Recovering from PTSD. when I started listening to it, I oistened to it at least 2 times a day. Gradually, it has helped me so very much. You might want to look it up online and check it out.

You sund like you are coping better. I hope so.

Hugs to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sparklee