I have not been on here for a long time even though I check the message board on a regular basis.

Just need to speak my peace before I bust at the seams.

To My Wife,

When we got together 10 years ago, nothing in this world could compare with you. My feelings for you and your children were #1 and the expectations for our future were limitless.

About 6 months after we were living together, you had an encounter with your about to be ex-husband. This took alot of the hopes and dreams out of our relationship. We talked for countless hours and managed to get through it.

In November 2001, I had a many heart attacks to the point of having quad by-pass surgery. You never left my side. I may not remember my about my life while being in an induced coma to protect my health, but I know you never left me alone. Next you had to take off work for 2 months or the doctor was going to put me in a nursing home to recover. Without you by my side, don't think I would have made it.

Our relationship started growing again until about summer 2003. At this point you began talking to an ex-boyfriend and things progressed from there. I know you were seeing him and having an affair even though you denied it. It tore my apart to the point of attempting suicide. You found me unresponsive in our home upon your return. When the police asked where you were at during the this time, what's on the police report, your ex-boyfriends name and address. The police got a mental inquest warrant and I spent three days in a mental facility. Got out of there on a conditional release with your help. One month later you moved out so you could see and bee with your ex-boyfriend.

I had to go to court ordered counseling to remain out of the mental facility after you moved out. I went twice per week and told them exactly what was going on with both of us. You denied any involvement with the boyfriend and they believed you. I was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic and given the proper medication. These mind altering drugs really screwed with my head.

After 5 months of your boyfriend, you deceided you wanted us back together. I was such a mess, all I could do is welcome you back and hope we could figure out what was causing our problems.

Now we are about 2005 and another person came into the picture. He was family before getting a divorce and then was just another guy. I knew the two of you were close friends. Never in my wildest dreams did I think the two of you would go out the way you did. He knew you liked to drink and finally one night, he got you drunk enough to have sex with you. Isn't it amazing he has not called or contacted you in any way since getting into your pants!!!!!!!!!!!

Once again we put our marriage back together. It's been going good for the past couple of years and I have the sense that you really do care for me. Our finances are in such a mess I am about ready to give up. I have no friend, ZERO, so there is no one I can talk to.

Believe what you want, but I have not had an affair with ANYONE since we were married. Not that the thought or oppertunity has not been there, but that's just me.

Now I feel that I am all used up. All I do is work, take the kids to school, and sleep. I have no interest or hobbies and no friends. Guess you have me right where I need to be, isolated. My only contact with people is with my employer and I don't want anyone there to be close to me in any manner.

Guess my rambling is done. I may forgive, but never forget. The hurt goes much deeper than you will ever know. I have given it my all. I will remain your husband because I Do Love You. I know love has it's ups and downs but I can fall much further.

Stan,

You have been through a lot during the time you mention. Although I don't have any advice I wanted to make sure to let you knew I read your post and my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
(((((((((((((Stan)))))))))))))))

((((((((((Stan))))))))) Remember your life is yours. Dont let her control it just because you love her? It doesnt mean she can walk all over you honey. You say you have been working it out for two years. That sounds possitive but if you are not happy? Maybe you could go places together where you can both meet new friends? Take up a new hobby? Go out with work mates once a week?

Stan, the first word that came to mind reading your post was "TOXIC". There's a whole string of other words, but that one sums it up. It certainly sounds like you love your wife, and I get the impression that you're another firm believer in "for better or worse....etc", but, at some point you have to admit enough is enough. Preferrably before she manages to completely destroy you. I am not suggesting you walk away, but I would very strongly suggest you get her to agree to some hardcore couples counseling. If she won't agree (and given your post, my guess is she won't), get yourself at least a therapist. I read a lot of my own last marriage in your letter, and I can make a (very uneducated without knowing both of you) guess where things will end.

From what you wrote, she's using you as a doormat because she knows that you will keep putting up with it ad nauseum until either you stand up and say "enough" or she finds someone else to take off with because she thinks it's a better deal, and there's good odds she'll do it knowing that you'll still be there when she gets bored with the next whatshisname.

You say you're isolated at this point and have no friends to turn to. So, here's a few suggestions on how you might get some. There's always local chatrooms for your area (not my first choice, but it is an option), I have friends that have met people who are now good friends in local rooms, so I know they aren't all populated by BSing serial killers lol. Joining a gym or local exercise class at a swimming pool is another way to meet people. Auditing a class at a local community college can expose you to a whole new group of potential friends or at least acquaintances. You also said you're taking care of the kids and getting them to and from school: that can be another opportunity. Volunteer to be a room monitor (depending on the age of the munchkins), or attend the PTA meetings. Don't get me wrong, none of these are easy when you're used to being isolated, especially if you're introverted or shy by nature, but they are ways to meet people separate from your wife. You could even try getting on a site like classmates.com and look up people you used to know in school. It's funny how easy it is to reconnect to someone you were close to 100 years ago (at least, that's how it seems for me lol) even though 10, 20 or 30 years have gone by and you haven't talked to them.

Feel free to ignore everything in this post, especially since everyone knows I'm a few sandwiches short of a picnic, but it can't hurt to at least consider things for a minute. If it's all too overwhelming, I completely understand, I'm just trying to show you some options so you're not trapped there, isolated, with no support system if something happens.

The best of luck to you, and feel more than free to PM me if you want some more screwball ideas, or just want to talk since I've been way too close to where you are now

Fred

PS. Congrats on having the courage to write that letter, even if it is only read here. It was eloquent and IMO got your thoughts across fairly clearly without veering off topic. --F

Thank You for you replies.

Even though she will not be reading this, it did help to get these feelings out.

Fred - Never thought about it being TOXIC, but your correct.

I have tried counseling but it always turns around to haunt me. Each counselor I have spoken with
wants joint counseling after a few visits. For some reason, she is quite good at getting them to believe her
story and then instead of helping me, basically want me to believe I am making all this up and treat me
for accordingly. After the first battle with meds, I refuse to take anymore. Maybe I have had a bad experience
with meds as the type I can take are extremely limited. I have asthma, extreme allergies, and have had quad
by-pass heart surgery.

With my current employer, I am unable to get involved in just about anything. My schedule is from 2:00 PM
until 10 PM Monday thru Saturday. There is always at least one day where I must work and additional
shift making that a 16 hour day. Now with a few events coming up, my schedule will be 12 hours per day,
7 days a week starting in about 3 weeks and lasting about a month. I know these are horrible hours, but I do
enjoy my work. I am in law enforcement even though I am not a police officer. I can do everything a police officer can do except for moving violations and arrest.

At work, I keep my distance from everyone. Sure we talk and joke around, but don't allow anyone to get to
know me. I am not confined to an office. I am out on the road and cover an area of 350 sq miles during my
workday.

I have been to different chat rooms and have tried classmates.com. Just can't seem to get into either of
these. Guess I have just adjusted myself to a life of loneliness and isolation.

Don't know what the solution will be to get me out of this depression, but hopefully this is a start. Now all I have
to do is convince myself I can overcome this illness.

One of the reasons for this (and a couple other forums) is so you can get that cathartic release. The point isn't whether it's heard/read by the person or not, it's much more important (IMO) that you get the thoughts/words/feelings out instead of letting them fester and make you feel worse because you can't express yourself.



A lot (well, to be honest, I think most of us) tend to isolate ourselves for whatever reasons. Feeling alien; it being too tiring to try to play normal; because somehow we're subconsciously making ourselves more miserable through separation to justify feeling miserable? I'm not a shrink, I'm not a doc, I'm just someone that has come up with a lot of bizarre theories over the years to try to explain my own behaviour and that of others I know that have depression. But, isolation from coworkers, classmates, neighbours, etc. does seem to be a common theme.

As far as chat rooms, I know I suggested them, but some of them are such a zoo it's hard to try to even participate; some come across (to me at least) as a closed clic and there's no room to fit in; and some you go into and find that everyone is there just lurking, or tied up in private conversations, so it's hard to even get into knowing anyone. But, if you're really lucky, you hit a good room where people welcome you in, and then it's up to you whether you can respond or if you just feel too isolated to participate. But, there's always tomorrow. You can go back and try again. And if you have to, you go again the tomorrow after that, and the one after that, and so on until you actually have a conversation with someone. Granted, it's not as easy as it sounds in a post, and with your schedule it'll probably be harder, but it is worth the effort (to me, it's worth the effort because it's doing something other than just sitting and isolating....others have different reasons).



What's the corny expression they use in rehab? "Acceptance is half the battle"? Or something like that. You have the right attitude to make it through this, even if you aren't currently getting any treatment. It's amazing what you can get through just by telling yourself you're going to make it through.

Now that I'm sounding like a very bad fortune cookie it's time to wrap up, but I have faith in you, and I'm pretty sure others around here do also, so you are definitely not alone in this struggle.

Fred

((((((stan))))))

I honestly feel really badly about everything that is going on. I don't know exactly what to say that might help, except I care and I'm glad you wrote you letter.

My only advice (lol) is to take care of yourself and do some things good for yourself, even if it is just a chocolate milkshake, a good book, a new shirt or have the car washed by someone other than yourself.

Take very good care, Stan.

I send to you warm, comfy and fluffy hugs,

Menolly -

((((((((((((((((((((Stan)))))))))))))