Im back.... and geez i am so tired lol. I did have a good time and for my business we have hopefully done well too.


Triggering for abu*e. Maybe an odd offensive word. More like a load of senseless babble


But back to the crap well it doesnt go away does it. I had a break and im so glad at the time it came. I didnt sleepmuch. Mainly cause the hotel was on a main road and there were lots of teenage boys around and so much traffic. Where i stay now is off a road so no cars! Gave me too much thinking time like every night . Tried to call my therapist for an appointment and finally got one but not till thurs. Really is the wrong therapist anyway.
I still wanna scream and shout. I feel i take it out on my gf. Its not her i wanna shout at but i aint going to be able to shout at my dad and ask him why the hell he did what he did am i? Time heals the pain gets less? NO it doesnt. Its gotten worse. Its all i can think about . His sick hands on me. Im havign major problems functioning as an adult when i am feeling so little and vunerable. I dont really have a clue how to ask for help . They always say well what do you want. How do i know? I wanna not feel like i do. Does anyone elses therapist always say well thats the view from a childs view but now your an adult you need to think like one? Cause i swear one day i will totally loose it. How can you do that? I cant. I am that person.
HHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPP
Ok this is confusing and i might regret putting it but tough. I feel like i am regressing into a three year old and a six year old. Living that life all over. I mean seriously. Noone will get what i am on about i dont supose. But how can i be re living something that as a 30 year old i cant remember back to? I swear i scare myself. I know i really need some intervention here but i have not the slightest idea how to put into any sort of words that make sense how i feel. It all needs to come out im scared :-(

(((((((((Sami))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are going through so much. No things don't go away. And unfortunately, at some point in time, we have to deal with things we couldn't before for whatever reasons they are. Right now you are fighting a battle because part of you knows you need to go where you don't want to and part of you just might. You are a constant fighter and such a good person. You have a good head on your shoulders and perhaps if this therapist isn't helping much, you might think about getting a different one? The problem is with this T is him saying that is a child's view -- well maybe that's where you are stuck right now. You are feeling more like a child than an adult and those are the only answers you can give. And there is nothing wrong with that. The adult decision you have made and you are talking about is that you need to do something and you need help. That is you being the adult. You will get that help and no, things won't go away overnight. You know that. But at some point, you will find peace within yourself. I know you will.

You know how to find me. I'm glad you enjoyed your trip, although for the lack of sleep. Maybe tonight you will sleep well. I hope so.

Hang in there and know you are being thought about.

Hugs,

Aisha

((((((sami)))))))

It sounds like you have both feet in the past and are having a hard time staying in the present. When I get like that I try to do things that remind me of the here and now. Tap your legs, clap your hands, exercise... things like that to keep your mind in the present. I know its hard to do, but try to recognize the signs of when you are starting to get too wrapped up in the past and do those things before you are remembering too much. If you are feeling small and childlike try to do things that care for that small part of you. And most of all don't be afraid to ask for help. I am sure that your g/f would mind being there for you and we don't either. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is ask for help, and you did that so way to go.

I hope this helps

>^..^<

Thanks kat. I got back into chat today yeay! So that really helps me stay in the present. I do find it hard when i feel in a crisis to stay grounded. Its so easy to slip away and find myself back there . I have lots of help. Just goes that the help is on holiday as usual!