Ok im freakingout and going into dissasociation big time. I need to ground myself in a panic. CAUTION this is HIGHLY triggering and by tomorrow will probably not be here god i dunno :-( sorry help

I hate me i hate my life.

Becareful what you wish for. Never think your wise

when i was little i wished for someone to listen to me and to care.
when i got older someone did listen to me and care and now i blame them for hilighting my problems. I ask myself if i never let on i was depressed would i still have problems now?
I wanted to know if i was abused as a kid.... so i spent years and years figuring it out... yep i got my answer yes... so now what. What a lot of help that was to me NOT.
I wanted a diagnosis i got one.... i wanted help i got it...... i have 2 therapist and 2 groups... and yet i STILL sit here suicidal wishing life was gone . So what exactly do i achieve?

Face facts.......
i was sexually abused. I wont ever get over it. Yeah i can sit and cry but this aint ever going to go away. I fucking hate everyone. Its everyones fault. Noone cared . Oh they care now its too fucking late. I hurt i hurt i hurt. When i die they will all wonder why. Noone will ever admit it or say sorry. This christmas my mom validated so much of this. But she aint ever going to give up the family secret so i can ask WHY WHY WHY WHY ME???????????????? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY????????????????????

Yeah you were loved less, yeah your dad was an ass, yeah you got blamed for everything, yes its just as you think............... sorry and we love you and try and fix it now mom but skate around the edges of the facts why dont you??????? And i will lie and say i wasnt depressed at home no that came later much later. Yeah lets lie to protect you. Yeah dont matter about me does it???

Lets get older and wiser ha ha ha ha. Lets get married wow brilliant idea. Lets be center of attention for once. Can you see me now??????? Oh you can? Lets play grown ups and gain some control lets move out whhoo im wise and clever now. Ops too fast i think im gay. Gay ha ha not me i cant be there is nothing wrong with me. Um ok i am gay so lets see im married lonely .. ah lets meet someone new! So lets put ourself in danger and meet someone off the net. And get raped and screw our life up some more all for the fact i wanna be loved for ME. So fucking rape me and hurt me and ........ ok shit this is really getting to me. Am i making a point? Im crying so much. I just wanna die.

POINT IS ITS NOT GOING TO GO AWAY there is always going to be this time when im alone and scared and crying and hurting and little and paniced and lost and ......little ...little.....little

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sami))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I so HATE to see you in so much pain. You MUST call for help, hun. Please - you have to be safe!

I know how much it hurts. I know how it feels when all you want to do it die. So many here can relate to that. We are here to support you through that. But first, please get through this immediate crisis and call your T!

Know how much I care, dear friend!

Blessings,
Jen

(((((((((((((Sami))))))))))))))

I'm hate the fact that you are feelling so horrible. I read through your post a few times and see that you have gone through so much, no only in the physical sense, but also in the process of finding some sort of peace of mind.
I think that is something that seems to elude so many of us. Just when we think we know whats right, or whats nest for us, it comes back to bite us in the butt. In the middle of your post, you talk about looking for answers and finding them. Soes it make anything better? Nope. Too often we chase down the cause and loose sight of the effect. The 'cause' traumitized you and the long lasting effect just tears you to shreads. You then day that you are part of groups and have a couple docs helping you out. To me, that is a very positive thing. Theres no magical switch to flick, where the light will come on, and you'll see the answers to your troubles. You are on the right path. I can day 'patience' , but that doesn't fit. More fitting is persistance. You are a fighter. You try, try and try again. You have been an inspiration to the people who visit here. Depression and the intrusive thoughts of just wanting to go away, giving up, are too much sometimes. Its like an ugly cycle that never seems to end. Does it? You mention wisdom, and how you looked for those answers, and how hurtful they have been. There have been people who have treated you like crap along the way. Does life suck? At times, yes it does. Each day, we struggle to get through to the next. sometimes we ask ourselves why we bother. Why? Because we are precious. Please don't judge yourself by the situations you have been through, judge yourself by the good person I know you are. I've watched you care for so many people. For that is domething to be very proud of. You've had your ups, and your downs too. Right now, you are in a deep hole. As they day... "quit digging". Its time to get back to basics, circle the wagon train and protect yourself with good people. Your Docs, T's, Groups and the people you can lean on here. To hell with the people who are trying to drag you down. You have faced so much adversity before, and I've seen you come out like a champ.

Is it easy? Oh hell no. Its more unforgiving than anything most times. Persistance pays its dividends, and I know in my heart that there is still that spark inside you to never give up. Seek the help to let others kindle that spart into a flame to ward off the darkness that looms over you.

I'm here for you, to help wipe away those tears of pain and fustration. I'm here because I care and I'm here to listen, not judge. I'm here to encourage you to try, try again. Keep going, and no matter what never never ever give in, or give up.

Believe in yourself, because I believe you can do anything.

((((((((((((Sami)))))))))))))))



SillyBoyTroy

((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))) ((((((((((((Troy)))))))))))))))))

Thanks. And Troy they were such nice things to say about me ty. I got through last night. Who knows what tonight will bring. Feeling pretty numb right now thats probably a good thing. Im scared i hate being vunerable :-(. Maybe chat will work soon and i wont be on my own. Thanks you two it means so much to me

Oh sami - i just sit here having read your post, my heart hurting for you. I want some words of comfort and insight for you but all I can think of is hurting those who have done this to you. I know that's not very helpful, but I get so angry when precious people like you suffer so badly because others have taken advantage.

It is normal to hurt badly when you begin to realize how awful things are on top of already being in a difficult spot. Hold on dear friend, don't let go of that core of strengh you have. Give the feelings some time, (because every thing takes time, right?), let them be, and recognize them, as they are real. When you begin to feel more stable examine your feelings and I think you will see how validated you are to have them, and why they hurt so very much. It isn't are cure and it wont keep the bad from coming back, but it may just give you additional strengh realizing that these feelings are based in fact and real life. Does this make sense? I'm just trying to say its valid to feel so very sick and bad.

If I'm out of line, just let me know. Best intentions, etc . . .

Menolly - sending the biggest, most comfy hugs

(((((((((Menolly))))))))))) Aww hun no your not out of line. I appreciate your views and reply it means alot to me each and everyone who cares enough to reply means so much right now. It all makes sense. It took me so long to accept my problems . It took longer to get them validated. But i guess i didnt get to the ok now cope with them bit till now . Time does heal i agree. But it doesnt feel like it right now :-(. Night times suck

((((((((((((((((((((((((Sami))))))))))))))))))))

Lots of extra hugs. If i can do anything, please let me know.

((((((((((((Sami)))))))))))))))))

You know you mentioned Night time really sucks ... doesn't it though? To this day I still have trouble going to sleep first. I worry so much for you Sami. You have been through so much this past year. Some good and some bad. But the one thing you must realize is that you are still here. You have made it this far. Hell, I'm not saying it's easy in the least. I know it's not. But you have so much support here in this room, I hope you know that. No one here will ever judge you for what has happened, who you have become or who you haven't become. That is something we just don't do. You come here for a reason. You come here to say what needs to be said because sometimes, I think there are things we just can't say it in real life. It is easier to put things down in a post or in a journal. The best part about it all Sami, is that let's say we get through another year. If you were journaling, you can look back and physically see how far you've come. That is one major purpose for a journal. You are a strong woman who has been through hell.

Please remember you have all of us here to help you along the way. If you see me online, PM me and we can go chat for a while. It would be nice to talk to you as we rarely get the chance to do that. I know we know each other by name, but it would be nice to know you as a person (if that makes any sense at all).

Hang in there and know we all love you.



Aisha

(((((((((((Els)))))))))))))
((((((((((Aisha)))))))))

Thanks. I cant get to chat despite trying all i can think of and all poor teej can think of. I will pm you my msn aisha if you have it. Ty for supporting me your right. I come here cause its safe and idont feel safe in many places. I have been here so long i have built a trust i believe in deeply. I know i have such great friends here if anyone hurts me it will be deak with and thats a great thing. Really its the only place i dont feel scared

((((((Sami))))))

Oh it's sooooo hard to heal isn't it. You've made such progress....just facing the past takes courage. Now there's work to do to get past it. But hang on to that hope...yes....hope. You know what you're dealing with, now you can fight it.


Keep fighting......I've seen such a change in you lately...I see it in your posts. Sometimes it takes others to see the improvement...you might not feel it yet.

Take care.....keep posting.....Hope you get into chat soon!

Love you,

Beagle

For some reason i felt the need to finish this post. But i am so sad. Not like b4 so desperately sad. My head is hurting so much right now. If it wasnt for the wonderful people here i would be on my own with how i feel. I dont feel i can do this anymore. Maybe thats just fine to feel but man it hurts so much. As a wise Aisha said to me yesterday i cant hurt kim anymore so i gotta be here. But what about the fact i am not making the desision to feel like this its so deep and i cant shift it. I am scared. I cant cry today it would seem. Tomorrow i am going away for a few days. Yes it might help but if i t doesnt im even more alone.
I dont know what to do anymore. The advice i would give anyone ... ask for help. Well i am getting the very best help there is. But fact is this is not going away and for the meantime cant be fixed. So i have dialectic behavioural therapy to deal with how i feel.... but it doesnt. Because you have to learn all the skills first. And yes im greatful and so on but if i die b4 i get to the end it aint going to help is it.
I want my mom. I feel so little and vunerable . Just want to he held close and to take my safety away from me and just give it to someone esle for a while. Im so tired now.
When stuff happened to me. I lost my self worth. Now i have some back i guess i have strong beliefs of whats right and whats wrong more because i have the borderline. Now i cant get over the fact that its ALL wrong. We say we have to live we have to fight but really why do we? Do i wanna go another 8 years feeling so desperate or end it and find peace. Why is it selfish? Hurt other people ? Dont they hurt already living with me, blaming themselves... seeing me like this? To an animal it would be torture and we would out it down. Says alot. I need help, no kidding i need help. I feel like im going to die. But when i tell my therapist she has the saying you got this far you can do it... well thats how people die innit cause it only takes that 1 min when you cant.
I want my family back. But i want the one i thought i had. But its all lies all based on lies. How do i accept it and move on when im still mourning for what i never had to start with? People have destroyed me. Or was i always this way anyway?
Aisha said scream. ok she didnt mean here but
I HURT I HURT I HURT AND I DONT WANNA DO THIS ANYMORE. I WANT TO CURL UP IN A BALL AND SLEEP FOREVER IN SAFETY WITH MY MOM ..................

(((((((((Sami))))))))))))

Sami, I'm glad to see your post this morning. Its hard to see you struggling and as I sit here wanting to help, wanting to do something, anything.


You mention DBT. Is that anything like CBT? Cognitive Behavior Therapy. Its about "cognitions" aka... thoughts.
When we get anxious or depressed we tell ourselves junk....lies, try to reach back into the past to keep ourselves all messed up. It deals with learned behavior, things we taught ourselves and that we were taught by others that keeps us from getting back to where we want to be. If you look at it, like Dr. David Burns "The Feeling Good Book"
Its not so much reading it as a 'book' , because its not about breezing through it and "graduating". Its about finding little things that help you get through just today, or maybe help you get past yesterday. You mention self esteem. Lord knows, thats one of the biggest keys to freedom!!!

My thoughts choose what my eyes want to see. By that, I mean, we can be in a great environment, yet depression/anxiety can make it all look nasty. Our thoughts create an optical illusion od where we are and what life is holding for us in the future. We get overwhelmed with grief, regret, loss of self worth and self esteem. Instead of living, we feel like we are just here. I see it as like a brain hiccup. we want to change, yet our minds thrive on the thoughts that intrude into our heads. We want to move on, but memories drag us down like an anchor. We carry around burdens and along the way find more to try and carry. If we find the answer to one little thing, we seem to pick up more 'junk' and never feel that little bit of success we've been craving. We get in the habit of magnifying the crap in life and minimizing the good to the point we don't even see it in front of us. Journaling helped me find those little things. Sure, I wrote about the things that tore me apart, my emotions and the pain I felt......But I also wrote how I wanted to change myself for the better. Life is about the next opportunity, not the last regret. Thats the big difference in 'living' and just being here, trying to get by. We are allowes to cry, yell and scream no fair. Theres cause and effect. We can't always control the cause, but we can change how we react (effect).

There is no perfect solution, no quick fix. We spent many, many years learning to believe who we are and how we feel about ourselves. Deep within, is the acceptance of ourselves, or rejection for that matter. If we hear the same thing over and over, we believe it without a doubt. I joke with Aisha that its like math.... 2+2=4 , but if I were to say to you 2+2=5 , your mind would say NO! its 4 !!! Like learned behaviour, if we truely believe in the lies we tell ourselves (we do just that) we go on struggling to think we are that bad, worthless, depressed, anxious,( what ever bugs you ) person. Our learned ways of acting and reacting is just like that math problem. We believe in what we were told and what we have always told ourselves, so rarely do we even try to challenge it. Does that make sense?

You are doing the right things Sami. Self esteem is a huge hurdle, and you are climbing that mountain. Look to the sky, the peak that hold a view of the future. Don't look back down at where you used to be. A mountain can't be un-climbed. We may stumble as we climb, but we recover faster, because we have a path before us that cleared. As they say, success is falling down 7 times, but getting up 8 times. I allow myself to make mistakes, I'm allowed to be human. I'm allowed to cry and hurt too. Human emotions.

As you climb that mountain, don't ever feel alone! ( we spend so much time dwelling on crap we don't see things around us) As you journey , don't look back, instead look ahead and see the hands (and paw) of myself, Aisha, Beagle, JenB and Menolly ( you'll recognize her by the coffee stains on her shirt) We are all here to help. There more people than you'll ever realize reaching for you, encouraging you.....knowing in thier hearts that you will get to where you want to be. Its alot easier to get back on your feet when someone helps you, just as you have helped others. You are a wonderful, beautiful person, and nobody can ever take that away.


Take my hand.....together we'll try.



SillyBoyTroy

Well i dont have time to reply this second cause i gotta go look after my cats. But Troy all you say is so right.

taken from www.place.net this is what DBT does. Its like cbt but concentrates on the feelings of now and situations of now. CBT focuses alot more in the past and what happend to you so to speak. Alongside this therapy i have a self harm group once a week and i kept my old therapist of two and a half years as a support worker i see once a week too........ except they are both on holiday!!!!

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
Marsha Linehan (1991) pioneered this treatment, based on the idea that psychosocial treatment of those with Borderline Personality Disorder was as important in controlling the condition as traditional psycho- and pharmacotherapy were. Concomitant with this belief was a hierarchical structure of treatment goals. Paramount among these was reducing parasuicidal (self-injuring) and life-threatening behaviors. Next came reducing behaviors that interfered the the therapy/treatment process, and finally reducing behaviors that reduced the client's quality of life. In 1991, Linehan published results of a study that seems to do remarkably well at achieving these goals.

The Theory
Basically, DBT maintains that some people, due to invalidating environments during upbringing and due to biological factors as yet unknown, react abnormally to emotional stimulation. Their level of arousal goes up much more quickly, peaks at a higher level, and takes more time to return to baseline. This explains why borderlines are known for crisis-strewn lives and extreme emotional lability (emotions that shift rapidly). Because of their past invalidation, they don't have any methods for coping with these sudden, intense surges of emotion. DBT is a method for teaching skills that will help in this task.
How it works
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) consists of two parts:
Once-weekly psychotherapy sessions in which a particular problematic behavior or event from the past week is explored in detail, beginning with the chain of events leading up to it, going through alternative solutions that might have been used, and examining what kept the client from using more adaptive solutions to the problem:

Both between and during sessions, the therapist actively teaches and reinforces adaptive behaviors, especially as they occur within the therapeutic relationship. . . the emphasis is on teaching patients how to manage emotional trauma rather than reducing or taking them out of crises. . . . Telephone contact with the individual therapist between sessions is part of DBT procedures.
(Linehan, 1991)
DBT targets behaviors in a descending hierarchy:
decreasing high-risk suicidal behaviors
decreasing responses or behaviors (by either therapist or patient) that interfere with therapy
decreasing behaviors that interfere with/reduce quality of life
decreasing and dealing with post-traumatic stress responses
enhancing respect for self
acquisition of the behavioral skills taught in group
additional goals set by patient
Weekly 2.5-hour group therapy sessions in which interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance/reality acceptance skills, emotion regulation, and mindfulness skills are taught (see summaries of sample worksheets). Group therapists are not available over the phone between sessions; they refer patients in crisis to the individual therapist

(((((((((((((((((((((((Sami))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You're in so very much pain and you feel so alone. That is a terrible place to be.

What I am so proud of you for is that you ARE seeking out the help. I know it's been a while that you've been in treatment, but as you well know, there is no magical "cure." It's a very long process. DBT alone is, what, a year? And that just started a couple of months ago. This is HARD work. The thing is - you ARE doing it!!! You are working harder than I've ever seen you work. You are so committed to this process.

Have you heard the statement "things have to get worse before they can get better"? I wonder if you're at that place now? You're far enough into DBT that it's not just the introductory stuff anymore. Then you're working with your T so very hard, plus you have the self-harm group. On top of that, you just got engaged! There are HUGE things going on in your life!!!

All that adds up to some seriously scary stuff in my eyes... or at least it would for me. You're looking at being a while different version of yourself. WOW! It's a healthier version... maybe a happier version (?), a Sami that includes a long term relationship. That is enormous!

I know you're going away tomorrow. Are you going to see your Mom? I can understand that feeling where you just want to be gulped up into Mom's arms and hugged for hours. The thing is, that rarely happens. Your Mom doesn't understand what life is like for you; she isn't consistenly healthy for or respectful of you. I just fear (if you're going to see her) that you'll fantasize this trip and set yourself up for disappointment.

Wherever you go, I pray you do find some peace and relaxation by getting away from the "real world." I know it can make a big difference. Just remember that you always have to come home and face what you left behind. I don't mean to be a downer here... just realistic.

Please know that you're in my thoughts, friend. I do care and I want you to stop hurting - to become a healthy and well Sami. That will take time, but I am here to stand by your side through this process.

(((((((((((((((((Sami))))))))))))))))))

Blessings,
Jen

((((((((((((((((Sami))))))))))))))))))))

My dear Sami,

I think you might have misunderstood me a bit about Kim. First off I mentioned that maybe you should let her in some and let her know some ow what you are feeling and you were the one who stated you can't because of what happened in your previous relationship. That's when I said then come here. Talk, vent, share with us your feelings because it is the one place you know you can without fear of judgment from any one of us. We all care about you and when it comes down to it, you won't lose us. The thought of screaming -- hey, if you can't cry, scream.... scream into a pillow, shout out how you feel and get those words out. It could help. Be mindful of everything everyone here has said to you. I think each person who has responded to you has something meaningful in their reply and something that may help you to get through your days.

I hope your few days away will build up your strength and give you what you need to keep going while feeling better about yourself. It's a tough road ahead, but one that you have dealt with for so long and like I told you before hun, you are still here. That tells me that you are a hell of a lot stronger than you think. You have helped so many people here Sami, even just by posting a hug for someone. Sometimes that is all someone needs to smile. A smile that may be so much needed. I know that sometimes I feel like it's been forever since I've smiled. Fortunately, I have my little 8 year old monster who is just a nut and never fails to make me smile, but when I come here, and write something that is so hard for me to write, and I dont' even know what I am looking for in a reply -- sometimes those hugs are plenty. You mean so much to so many of us here, you must know that by the replies you are getting. The care and concern that has gone into each of them. All for you hun.

Hang in there and remember what I said. You now have my IM and you can reach me when you need to. Try and enjoy your trip and hopefully you will come back feeling somewhat refreshed. I'll be thinking of you.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))

Aisha

Aww i love you guys so much ty ty ty.

I am not going to see my mom first up. I just got back we had a 6 hours chat and this is where alot of this has come from getting some varification of things. No im going to a trade show with KIm busmans holiday so to speak but will be good to get away as none of my therapists are here at the moment anyway.

Troy
You say depression etc can make a good situation look nasty. Man it certainly can but through out everything ihave had the gift to see the good and to even see the progress i have made. I know its all there and by coming to America b4 i know my problems follow me no matter how good life is. Your maths analagy is spot on too. I do feel alone but then again i have not told anyone how i feel then i come here dsperate and i do and i see wow look how many people care and look how you followed up the post to emphasise how much. I really cant thank you enough and i KNOW you have all helped me through if noone replied then i would be feeling even worse. I gave Kim a huge hug today cause your right you do miss what you have ifyou dont look for it.

Jen
Im not going to see my mom... dont i just know it would be all i wanted it to be. I was thinking about moving there earlier. Who am i kidding it would be NIGHTMARE. I just miss that little baby so much. It does get worse b4 it gets better. Maybe that is where i am at or maybe it isnt. Time oh wonderful time can tell. I still dont have any faith i will ever get better. But all i do know is i cant put any more effort into doing so. My new therapist actually told me missing this weeks dbt is good for me and stop stressing about it and enjoy the break lol. As you know who i am on about i will it in your reply that i have not spoken to Glenn for over 3 weeks only on text cause hes been ill. I called him today and told him where i was at and how bad things were. He is so sweet he basically said its part of the process and i am doing ok and he will see me when i get back and see where we wanna take it then. See he gets a say im my therapy too if i am desperate and unhappy or cant cope being that hes ill he gets my point across to kathy. So thats cool and he will phone me when i go away too. Hes the only one i will be honest with cause i trust him.

Aisha
I dont think i mis understood you i was just thinking you meant scream at the therapist rather than cry? I didnt think it was right to talk to kim yet. So i sat with her earlier hugging her and said you know we are going away and i should be happy well i feel really sad and so depressed. She said thats cause we are going somewhere new and you are worried PROGRESS!!!!!!! that would so be it usually and she never understands that so whhoo!!! I re read my post maybe you meant my comment of i cant cry today. Kim put on the saddest film ever i dont even watch tvnormally she was crying her heart out and i was just sitting here. Thats what i meant.


Think the point of being with my mom is that shes the one who "should" protect me. Shes the one you run too when your little and hurting. Shes the one with the hugs and the words of wisdom. Shes the one i want. Thats the mom the family i am mourning..... cause its crap and was not like that and its all i ever wanted.

Thanks all of you

(((((((((((((Sami)))))))))))))

I SO understand this. It has been my Mom in the past... But my Ts favorite words these days seem to be "you need to mourn that." That relationship you didn't have with <insert here> or ... that you didn't have the childhood you deserved or .... tht you can't have kids or ... or that ... or that ... I always hear him say I need to mourn things. Frankly I told him a few weeks ago I was tired of hearing him say it - or even that I'm not 100% certain of what he means... I was never taught to mourn when someone passed away so I have nowhere to start. It's simply too overwhelming to even think of doing what he's saying. Anyway I say that only so you can see that I relate to that part of what you're going through right now.

My dear friend, I'm glad you're not going to your Mom's and I hope and pray that you can find that time alone to just "BE." While that may sound a bit <who knows> it's true. You need to spend time with you and just experience quiet. I hope you can promise to do that while you're away.

All my blessings,.
Jen

Precious Sami...........................

I know, for me, hearing someone tell me that I am precious has always been extremely painful for me. Don't know how it is for you to hear that BUT---the fact is---YOU are precious. You are like no one else in this universe----no other has your genetics, feelings and/or life experiences. You are probably thinking that you are happy about that because you would hate for someone else to carry your pain. TRUE--none of us would ever want that. But, friend, when I look at your name on your avatar area these are a few of the things written there: "senior" moderator, Support; Group Icon; Chat Leader----those are descriptions of how people here see you, I feel sure. YYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSS----you are in horrible, horrible, hideous, life-grabbing pain BUT that is not who you ARE! You are someone who WILL make it through all of this darkness------you will!!! You may not want to, right now, but take a deep breath and know that you were created for a purpose-----you just haven't stepped into that arena quite yet.

Sami-----I can relate to every single thing that you have shared yesterday and today---please believe me. I have been at times in my life when the ONLY thing I could think about was harming myself and I would actually fantasize about it -- the worse, the better, for me. Yes, it is beyond horrible what happened to you as you were growing up and then all the other crap that has come round even since you have grown up. It is demonic to take a young child and steal from them there very inner self----rob them of who they are AND then lie to them and tell them when they cry for help that they are: 1. crazy and 2. untruthful and that "so and so" is just trying to protect and "love" them. No one, except someone who has been through it can even imagine how that screws up your brain. Those of us who have been there not only have our compasses stolen but what we are given to replace what has been stolen is nothing but self-loathing. Why? So, the perpertrators can feel better about their evil selves. Can you imagine what they will face in the next life, if they don't come to some level of accountability. Basically, you are going to have to love yourself back through your childhood and give to yourself all that was robbed from you. Stolen--------just to make other "sickos" feel better. I know that it sound absolutely impossible, totally bizarre and truly unaccomplishable------but, Sami, it isn't!!! AND Sami, there is, possibly, a young girl out there, right now, who is living what you lived through----and one day, after you begin to love yourself and begin to learn how to cope with all the sh__ that happened to you---these people will start to be brought into your life. It will happen, Sami.

You, I am sure, are just absolutely sick of hurting and just want it all to end. I know. But, right now, you are just just beginning your journey to understanding and acceptance of yourself and all that has happened. I know, for me, just saying those things can make me panic and feel afraid----but breathe deeply, Sami, and know that this pain will one day get better. The confusion, the darkness will start to get better and you will begin to see how very "precious" you really are. You were destroyed, as a child, but I sense that fighting spirit inside of you---"survival" mode self----you do have what it takes to get up. Sure, it will be a long journey---very hard---will involve many different approaches but Sami---it will be totally worth it

I don't know your personal life story, Sami----but I do know that I have been through what you have shared on this site. I am 57 and I spent years and years and more years trying to recover. You never really recover---you only come to accept it and to realize that it has and will always affect you. The times that are debilatating get farther and farther apart and will be less dark than what you are experiencing right now. Please don't let the evil crap that was placed in your lap, stay there. Throw it in the garbage can of those who put it in your lap. Don't carry their shit.

I wish that I could take a wand and just wave the sparkles over you so that this pain would just be gone---but, we can't. Continue to reach out and post -- look how very loved you are here at BF. Reach out and let your friends here help to carry you, right now.

You are precious, Sami....and will be in our hearts as we try to send you some good energy.

Sparklee

Thanks spark! That set me in a good mood for my trip this morning.


I am feeling ok about going i think it will be good for me. I have been awake all night so i must be excited right? lol