They say hind sight is 20/20. I'm a man who has anxiety and depression. Do I want to compair my 'condition' to anyone elses? No. Plain and simple. What effects a person is just as overwhelming for them in thier lives as my issues may be in mine. No?

My focus has always been upon other people. I know, take care of me first. I do that. I've learned alot about myself and learned to accept my regrets and short comings in life. I'll never be perfect, nor do I strive to be. I teach myself how to cope with everyday issues that try to trigger me into old behaviors. I refuse to be who I used to be. No longer will I be an over anxious, panic ridden person. I struggled for many years to overcome the burdens set before me. Do I get fustrated with myself at times? Sure. Does it matter? No. Fustration is a human emotion. I allow myself to be happy just as I allow myself to be pissed when someone upsets me. Growing up as a child, my family wasn't a huggy bunch. There wasn't much affection shown. That has changed. The need for attention was received by either being bright or toatally screwing up. Usually, I got the 'smarts' going on, so I got the approval I craved. Now that I'm older, I don't so much crave attention. People around me tell me I'm very smart, yet at times I feel pretty freaking dumb. I don't have an ego to trip over, thanks to anxiety and depression. I usually react correctly to any given situation, then at times I just plainly fuck up what I should of been doing. I have my priorities in life, and stumble about in the right direction most times.

tonight, I choose to be pissy. My day went ok. I went to Walmart with my daughter and she took me out to eat. We were gone for a few hours and Aisha doesn't like not knowing where I am. She knew I went to the store, but not out to eat. She refers to it as separation anxiety. I guess thats the best name for it. Is it a bad thing? No. I should of called home, but I didn't. That was my mistake. So, the world can hate me for going out and forgetting to call. I screwed up. Plain and simple. Her som asked me why I didn't take him out to eat. Ummm, I was taken out to eat by my daughter, just as you can take out your mom. A simple answer to a question of jeliousy. What I didn't know was the reasoning behind his question. Aisha and he had spoken just before I got home and he saw it as unfair that I, as a dad, get to spend some one on one time with my daughter, but he can't spend time with his dad. Is it a question of whats fair? Should I blame myself for falling in love with Aisha and they moved 3000 miles away to live here? I love Aisha and both her sons with all my heart. What creates bumps is the past. Why are they here and he's way over there? Did we make the move to hurt them? Hell no! I try my best to make the best of every situation. Do I? Theres always room for improvement. The past? The ugly word, abuse. The after affects of abuse and PTSD will linger for who knows how long. There is no time limit, nor do I expect any. Sometimes I feel like I've intruded upon a family and tore it apart. He's way over there and we are here. If there wasn't abuse, we wouldn't be here. It effects so much in life. A short conversation was brought up this morning by Aishas son that threw her for a loop. Me, being a guy ( dense ) was to blind to see this. Off I went shopping with my daughter and came home to a cold shoulder. Someday I'll remember to make that phone call.

A freind at work, Steve has a girlfriend, who at a new years party where she stepped between her sister and her sisters boyfriend...who was about to hit the sister. Her reward was getting punched. Steve fdound out and was making phone calls at work Wednesday morning. Apparently, the b/f had been in jail prior to this because of past abuse. Now Steve is on the war path. Friday, his g/f walked in with two very large black eyes. Abuse. She got beat up by her sisters b/f. Ummm, WTF!!! Its one thing to hear of it or read about it, but to see the results is alot different. I'm not a fighter, nor do I want to be one. Its not my style. If I saw that guy do what he did, I think that just might changed. Not aggresion, but protection. Seeing her walk down the hall like all was just dandy? I can't accept that. That brings me back to why a son can't see his Dad. Aisha got divorced because of abuse. How do you explain that to a child who's 12? It affects everyday living. Its been 4 years, yet it still hurts everyone. Aisha and I argued tonight over stuff. Will we work through it? Yes.

Our lives have changed dramatically over the past 6 months. I went from living alone to having a full house. Slowly, I adjust. I know I will. I worry how everyone else will. What I can't forget is my daughter. This used to be her escape from the busy life at her moms house. Now she has a busy life her too. Thats a fact of life and a choice I made. Its my responsibility to take care of that. I feel like I've neglected her so much in the past 6 months, like I'm spread out too thin. Am I? Is there resentment? Just as Aishas children have to adjust not seeing thier dad, my daughter doesn't get no where near the time she used to get with me. Hindsight? We try to do little things together. Other times we do things as a family. Theres no right way of doing things. There is no simple solution.

I sit here not knowing what to do with myself and Aisha is upstairs probably doing the same thing. Way too many emotions were flying around and I blame myself. Most times we get along great, sometimes we get flustered with each other. We've know each other for 4 years and tonight we made each other mad. I could look at it as something horrible, but in fact, after 4 years, one argument isn't all that bad. Right now its on the front burner, and it hurts. In hindsight , I learn from my actions and reactions. We love each other. Thats what matters. We care about each other and will get through disagreements. If anything, it will make us love each other more. I'm not here to make her feel bad, I'm here to try and make the best of what life has to offer. Sometimes I screw up, and tonight is just one of those nights. My choice is to make up. Make things better. I'm not one to stay mad.
Besides, I love her dearly.

I wish the world didn't have abuse. I hate the people who do it to others and then seeing the long term effects of it. I'll never stop trying to understand it or how to work through it.

I started this thread with the idea of venting anger, yet it became positive. It could so easily became negative, but thats not who I am. I thank God for what I have. I regret not seeing the arguement I created tonight.

Hindsight, its always 20/20