The abuser becomes the abused

I remember reading that sentance a few years ago in a book. It was in regards to the transition an abuser makes when he has his control taken away. Thier weakness is exposure of abuse. Most times they are humiliated, and they should be. Abuse brings on a feeling of power and control. CONTROL!!!! Whats it take to remove it from them and gain it back? Aisha made a post in this forum a couple days ago, the day she split from her ex four years ago. Still, it lingers on. Thats expected. He knows how to push her buttons, and make her feel guilty for everything. Believing that shes at fault or was deserving. Its fine and dandy that he came out and saw his children last month. Now he wants to come out for Christmas. Do I care? No. Good for him. I've been divorced and I know what its like to not see my child. No, my daughter isn't 3000 miles away as his sons are right now, but for 3 years they weren't. He visited when he found it convient. I have anxiety and depression. I didn't use it as an excuse to avoid my daughter. Children look up to thier parents and look forward to seeing them. Skipping out on them brings resentment. I think of it , like, being stood up for a date. But, its Daddy, we forgive him.
Its hard to avoid emotional reasoning in any given situation when children are involved. Aishas ex has called several times about an upcoming holiday visit. My concern is how it will affect her and her oldest son. I think its a good thing that he wants to visit. What I wish he wouldn't do is dump out the pity and the poor me's. He can't find directions, locations, he can't print out information on flights because he doesn't have a printer? Dude, get off your ass and buy one at walmart for $35.00 bucks! Its been four years. Its one thing to say I miss my kids, but to say I still have feelings of love for my ex? FOUR YEARS! I have an ex wife. She will always have that special spot in my heart. But, infatuation? I think not. My relationship went sour. It ended. Is he blind to the fact that his did too? Phone calls of helplessness? Unloading the guilt and attemping to re-tie the strings of control? The guilt is in the air that his children were taken away. They were taken away for a reason, and one reason only. Yet, that reason becomes dismissed. It doesn't count? He screwed up and the guilt is on this end. He now has to possibly check himself into a hospital because of his depression. He can't move on from a relationship he destroyed. He's stuck. Poor him, the abuser becomes the abused. He feels helpless, hopeless, trapped, controlled. These feelings are self inflicted, not the result of things Aisha has done or refused to do. She has done so much, put up with so much in the past four years, making the transition from surviving to survior. I am proud of her for everything she does and has done. Shes kept contact with him for her children. He wants to meet my family? lol, umm, no. Why?
My parents could care less of who he is. Not in a mean way, they know nothing of him. A family embraces new members, not ex's. Ex's are ex's for a reason. The holidays are here and he may come and visit. He made the arrangments but has yet to get out of work....duhh!

I want our first Christmas to go well. I want our children to feel loved and happy. In my mind, Aisha is my wife. I want her happy too. Is that too much to ask for? Christmas is stressfull enough. Going through the first time away from her family adds that much more. Ringggggg! Gee, is that him calling? Whats the drama this time?

My words to him are, if you want to come visit, VISIT! Don't drag it out, don't leave us hanging on the maybes or possible situations. Make your commitments, be a responsible, capable adult and see you kids. Make the best of what you have regardless. Visitation doesn't include that theres no one else like you or I think I'm going to check myself into trhe hospital because I'm depressed.

You're partying, your talking about other women and dates. Move on. You abused the love of my life in the past, and now its her standing by my side crying on my shoulder because of the things you used to do. PTSD doesn't just go away. Yet we see you too, crying..... the abuser feeling like the abused.

SillyBoyTroy

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I am lovin' it Silly Boy Troy. Way to stand up for the woman you love and cherish. If this guy was a real "father" he would never want to appear incapable, in any way, to his sons. But, "no", he is expecting others to solve his problems. Sounds like a child to me. It sounds like it may be time for this guy to develop some "coping skills" by learning to be a big boy and solve his own problems.

You are in my thoughts. You are a man, who truly is capable of loving Aisha.

Stay strong---this is just a little challenge in forming this new family, which will probably be a scary thought to this dude. You will be able to reveal to his own sons how very lacking he is. I am sure that is scary , to him.

Sparklee

Him meet your family? For what? Sorry.....but, "Not gonna happen" That is just not a healty thing.

You know, I've heard this so many times in the past, even before I left my marriage.....the abuser becomes the abused. I can see it, I can feel it and watch the transition between the two. But still, it doesn't take away how I feel about everything. I still feel the guilt, I still feel like things are my fault. I still feel sorry for him when things are going wrong. I still loan him money when I can. My mother used to get mad at me and the money I gave him. My reasoning was not just because that's who I am, but because I was not going to let my children visit their father in a house that had no heat or electricity.

So many phone calls I would get. Alot of them were him crying. Lost. Others to tell me I wouldn't hear from him for a while because he was checking himself in to the hospital. I think his longest stay was close to a month. He'd call me telling me how he couldn't take it anymore. How he misses the boys. He even told me that I was emotionally abusing him. I wondered if he even knew what that meant. All this because I cracked. I couldn't do it anymore. I gave in. I didn't want to be hit anymore, I didn't want to be called every name in the book, I didn't want to be threatened of him leaving (a major phobia I had and still do is being alone). He used to tell me when I got home he'd be gone. That he wasn't going to take this sh*t anymore. I'd make up an excuse at work and go home as fast as I could because I was terrified he was going to leave. When I got there he would be smiling. Laughing sometimes. At the same time I was afraid to come home. Would I be in trouble? Would things happen? But none of this is remembered now. The last time he threatened to leave and he was really pissed off at something, I said fine.... go. He called me on it and left. Went to my mothers and told her what was going on. She called me after he left and I told her don't worry about it. Then he called and told me he was coming over with the police so there would be no trouble. I said there wouldn't be. I told him I'm not stopping you this time. Just leave. He came back and I told him EVERY reason why I wanted him gone. EVERY F*CKING REASON. He pulled this crap about being too tired to drive so he spent the night in the living room. He came in the room in the morning to talk and think things were going to be just peachy. I told him to leave. He said he didn't want to. I told him to leave again. He said "you want me to leave, fine" He went into the kitchen into the medicine cabinet and took every pill he could find. My older son happened to walk in while I was trying to hit the pills away from him. I called his brothers and told them what he had done and also told them what he had done to me in the past. I did that so that my ex would know he will never ever touch me again because now people know. We ended up calling the police because he took off. He came home hours later pretty drugged up and I had his brothers take him home with them. After that there were many hospital stays. One of his brothers even had the nerve to ask me, "what did you do!" That was after I told him he took a ton of pills. I called him later or he called me and I reemed him like I've never reemed anyone before. How dare he ask me that!

I'm getting so off topic here. That day he told me You want me to leave, fine, I'll leave. Putting the blame on me. So that I can explain to my children if he dies, that it was all mommy's fault. The abuser becomes the abused. It didn't take long for that to happen. Sure there were apologies on his part. But they were just words to me. It was too late.

But now, four years later, he still hasn't moved on. He's still so god damned needy. He still calls, he still whines, he still insists he doesn't understand what happened between us, he still says there is no one like me. He told me a while back that he blames me for all of this. For his depression, his suicide attempts, taking his children away. He blames me. It wasn't me who did the hitting. He didn't have bruised or cracked ribs. He didn't have black eyes. He didn't have burns from things being thrown at him from out of a hot oven. He didn't have to go to the ER because he was pushed onto a glass that cut open his hand. Yet it's my fault. And yet I still care. Why? How does that make any sense. I still care about him. I still worry about him. Is it because it was 14 years of marriage? Is it because we share two children? Is it because I'm a f*cking idiot? No. It's because I'm ME.

The abuser becomes the abused.



Something my mom wrote in an email the other day.


I'm trying. I truly am trying to not let things get to me. This year is even harder because my father is not here to share the holidays with us. At least not physically. Missing my dad and my mom hurt so much. I miss what I was used to. And adding another visit from my ex just makes things that much harder. Not to mention all the phone calls.

PTSD.... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I don't think it will ever go away. I hope so, but I don't know anymore. But for those of you who have been abused and in a relationship and have gotten out.... stop and think. What has happened in your lives. Has the abuser become the abused? In most cases, I would guess the answer is yes.

Aisha