I couldn't figure out where to put this post. Whether it be relationships or tough topics, so I decided abuse, only because there are some sticky subjects in here....

Four years ago today, December 5th, is the day I left my ex-husband. I pretty much lost it that day. I left the kids with him telling them I needed my mommy for a bit so they wouldn't be so scared which didn't help, was crying hysterically on the phone with my mother, telling her that I wanted no more and begged her if I could come home. I don't think any mother in their right mind after hearing their daughter the way I sounded would have said no. I remember he kept trying to calm me down and come over near me and what I remember is screaming at him to stay away from me. I know I scared the kids that day. Something that I will always regret. My youngest was about 4 and my oldest was about 7 or 8. I know my older son remembers. He's brought it up more than once since we separated, "when YOU left daddy." Soon after the kids moved in with me. I think he had them for about a week. I was a complete mess.

After that came several attempts on my ex's part and many hospital stays because he was so depressed. I remember one night I received a call from the hospital and was asked by a doctor or a police officer, I don't remember which what had happened. Apparently, after they filled him up with charcoal, he was able to tell them to contact me.... ME. I remember the day he left the computer on and since the screen saver comes on after a few minutes, when I touched the mouse it was on a site that said "How to Commit Suicide," there was a note on the kitchen table from him telling the kids to behave for mommy and he loved them which they never saw. Actually I believe this was the day I got that phone call. I told the police what I knew and found out that he tried to take every pill in his possession and was found in his car in the cemetary where his father's ashes were put at the VA Cemetary with pictures of the kids spread all over his car. I was pretty angry about the whole thing. By this point, I had almost wished it worked. He made several attempts before or would admit himself to the hospital and always, ALWAYS I felt the guilt for it. He told me I ruined his life and took away everything.

Now, here I am four years later -- what has changed? His view is he sees me as his "sister" or "best friend." He still calls me and the kids a family. Are we? I guess maybe sort of? He came out to visit the kids a few weeks ago and now will be coming again during the kids Christmas break. Since he made these plans, he's called quite a bit acting quite helpless -- not knowing where to stay, which city is closer, what is there to do out there.... Then he called me crying telling me he couldn't keep them with him for Christmas Eve or Christmas because he never stopped to think that they would be spending it in a hotel if they stayed with him. I told him, it doesn't matter where they are, the important part is that they are with him and that is what the kids will remember. He told me he just can't find anyone out there like me. He said he hates it. No one is as dorky, fun, loving, beautiful as me. I amlmost wanted to say, "well if you hadn't have done the things you did, maybe we'd still be together." Truth is, he doesn't believe he did anything wrong. Whenever I've brought up the abuse, he says it's in the past or get over it. Like it's non-existant. We haven't talked about it in a long time.

He recently came in contact with his 22 year old daughter. The last time he saw her she was 5. We tried finding her when we were married and working in a law firm I found her through a search on her mother. He ended up calling and freaked them both out. A couple weeks later we sent her a letter and told her when or if she was ready to get in touch with him, here are his phone numbers. That was about ten years ago. She found him this time. She had to do a search of her own because the numbers were no good anymore, but she found him. Turns out she has cervical cancer and is out of remission, so now I get phone calls from him about how worried he is for her. So now it's all about her, about how much he misses the boys, he still calls me purdy girl, or hun, he tells me I'm the only one he can really talk to and now he told me he's making dinner for a girl today I think that he really likes. When he was here visiting last time, he told me her name and said she's really cool. Then he stopped and said that he just made the connection that she looks a lot like me and acts a lot like me. He never noticed it before.

My mother and my b/f think that I'm talking way too much to him lately. Sometimes the conversations really bother me and sometimes they don't. Sometimes I'm glad to give him advice, sometimes I don't want any part of it. Sometimes Troy answers my phone for me and throws him off a bit. But somewhere in my head, even after four years, I can feel that control of his pulling at me. Aching to get hold of me again. Yes, the distance was a good thing for me and the kids. Because now it is sometimes easier to stand up to him or I simply don't have to answer the phone. The fear of him is not like it used to be. But that control..... maybe because I just saw him again and he's calling more frequently and that's why I feel like he's trying to pull at me. I feel like he's put me in the middle of so much here. Especially with Christmas. He wanted to meet my b/f family. NO. But for me to tell him that is a very hard thing to do. I told him the other night that he can keep them Christmas Eve and bring them over the house on Christmas morning and stay for a few hours. And my b/f and his daughter can go to their families house and I would meet them there. I talked to my b/f about it and he's fine with it.

I'm just kind of confused right now and being homesick and depressed sure isn't helping any. You'd think after four years I'd have a grip on things. Maybe I do and deny myself of feeling that. I have a family here now. With my b/f and the kids. He's supportive and comforting. He treats me with dignity and respect. He holds me when I cry. I hate that everytime I talk to my ex, I feel like I'm hurting him or frustrating him. His response is that my ex is the one frustrating him because it frustrates me just talking to him.

Anyhow, I've rambled way to much. No, I didn't say everything I wanted to, but I'll save it for another day. What a lovely anniversary to remember......

((((((((((((((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hugs of understanding and comfort coming your way, today.

I hear so much familiarity in what you have said. The particulars are very different but the feelings, sadness and confusion sound so similar to what I have also experienced. It makes me wonder-----what is that common thread we all share? "We", being those of us who suffer from depression and stay in abusive relationships. What makes us vulnerable to getting drawn back in to the guilt feelings, so very easily? Why is it so hard to just stand firm and make 'demands' for ourselves and 'our' happiness and well-being?

If you get any answers----please let me know. I am not dealing with an ex but the feelings and behaviors are just so very familiar even though the people are different. Some people just know so well, who and what they are and what they want and then------there are people like me----who have such a hard time standing up for self. Ya' know?

I will be thinking about you today on this anniversary that really was the beginning of a new life for you and your boys. Be careful, my friend---does your ex ever ask what he can do to make things easier for you or the boys?
Has he ever put others before himself? He, most likely, could never be secure enough or mature enough to give you the freedom of expression that your b/f has.

Take care of your heart, today. Only tell yourself good things and know that you are exactly where you are suppose to be, even if it still feels strange sometimes.

Sparklee

Got snow?

(((((((((sparklee)))))))))

Thank you for your kind words. You know my mom just got her email hooked up. I wrote that in another post and one of the things I wrote about was this anniversary. This was her response to it:



Even she sees it I spent part of that day in tears remembering things I had forgotten. I don't know if forgotten is the right word.... perhaps just misplaced somewhere in my head. Regardless, they don't go away. He made me feel like a failure. Like I was crazy. A loser. Degraded.

I wonder sometimes how long will this date be recalled in my memory?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Sweet Aisha)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

How long will you remember the anniversary? Hopefully, for as long as you live. First, you will grieve for the hope that you had that your life with him would be good, healthy and loving. You should grieve for that. But, remember that those 2 precious boys are what you have walked away with and they will tie you to him, in some way, forever.
For that loss, you should grieve. But you should CELEBRATE that you left him. So always, always remember the anniversay for that reason too----rejoice! That act of leaving, I believe, is the most powerful gift you could have ever given to your sons. For them to see their mother stand up and say---"I have had enough of this" and for you to take away the day to day exposure of that 'example'. YOU ARE TO BE TOTALLY COMMENDED. You know what, in my mind, would be so much more painful----watching your beautiful boys treat the women in their lives like their father does. THAT would be the most horrible of horrible. But, instead, (despite of all the hard challenges) they are able to be exposed to an example of loving that was denied them.

Rejoice! and remember that this "ex" is only trying to wrap you back up in guilt and confusion.....only thinking of himself. Remember to protect your own self. It may be something that he doesn't like but it may be what you NEED to do to love and respect YOURself.

Stand in the sunlight-----don't let him pull you into the darkness.

Stay strong and protect yourself. It is not your responsibility to make his life 'anything'. That is totally his job.

Spend some time just thinking about all that you have given them by leaving and moving. They are your responsibility---not him.

Hopefully this burden will begin to lift as you shovel his garbage out of your yard, once again.

Take care!
Sparklee