first off, id like to explain this... to those of you who didn't know, I took one heck of a brave step when I was 17 and traveled across the country, imersed in French, a language I didn't know. for 3 months...what was to be a 9 month trip... turned into a nightmare... of mental break downs, panic attacks...and depression ....

the leader of this group was the cause of all this.... she constantly called me into her office for these discussions... ending up that I wasn't participating enough, wasn't happy enough... wasn't learning French fast enough...wasn't this, wasn't that... eventually, I broke down, I cried for 4 hours as I talked to my mom on the phone about going home... I couldn't handle it anymore...


Dear Isabelle,

I wanted to say, that you were the meanest person I have ever met in my life. you are so Impatient and Rude. I tried to explain that I had depression, that I needed time to do things, and I was a slow learner... but you never understood. you pushed me day in and day out, to the point where I felt I was no longer a part of the group. that's why I left...
I never say this very often, to anyone... but I hate you... you destroyed me... you took something so fragile, and you threw it, smashed it apart...
Now, thanks to you, I cant go get a job... People scare me into panic attacks and fits of crying ... I shake until my entire body hurts...I still cry myself to sleep, even two years later.
you had such an effect on me, because for those 3 months, all I tried to do was beat your standards. be the best I could, but no matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough.
my 18th birthday was the worst birthday I had ever had.... you yelled at me for something so irrelevant.... and you yelled so much... I cried... in front of the whole group... I didn't care... you were destroying me from the inside... I no longer have anything left.... Ive pushed everything away, and Now I'm 20 years old. living at my mom's... alone...depressed...lost... and anxiety take over a good chunk of my week.... I don't leave my house... because out there scares me... I'm volunerable to them...the one's like you that yell at scream...and hurt me ...
I hate you... thanks for destroying a confident girl.....
A

I am sorry she put you through such a terrifying experience. It is hard enough being in a foreign country where you don't speak the language, but add to that the stress of someone so uncaring I can understand why you are struggling as you are. Please don't give up on things. You can learn to manage or control your reactions when you have a panic attack of this nature. It takes time and effort, but you can do it.

Oh Butterfly - it makes my heart sad to hear of your experiences with that horrible, nasty person. No one should treat another person like that, not for any reason. She did not take anything about you into account. She was simply interested in berating you and minimizing you. I have to wonder why she picked on you so much. I wonder if there was something about you that scared her, something good and powerful, that she wanted to destroy because she didn't have it. I just wonder.

You said that she destroyed you. I wish somehow you could flip her the bird and retrive your old self. You know your old self, you remember very well the before. I wish there were a way to wipe that horrible time out of your life. You know, as I know, it will never be totaly gone, even when you achieve your victory over the pain, there are memories. Somehow those memories have to have the power taken from them. I am currently going through this, trying to eliminate the horrible hold a seriously bad memory has on me. It is hard.

Do yo have a T? I so recommend you try and find one that fits with you. Don't give up as it can take a bit of a hunt to find one you feel safe with.

I really hope you keep posting with us. If not here then in hard times, anxiety forum, or even chit-chat. We care about you very, very much.

I am proud you were able to find the true courage to write your letter.

Menolly - big big comfy hugs

I dont have one.. I dont trust them...I dont trust very many people at all...