As some of you know i started dbt therapy. Initially i struggled and got mad and wanted to throw it all in. I talked to my support worker who knows me better than i know myself sometimes. She was hard on me she said look back to my past and see how many therapys i have thrown in and do i really want to. It came out the truth that i resent having to do it cause i just wanna be "normal" and dont see why i have to do a years work just to be that way. So i thought about it and i finally signed the years contract. All i heard was its going to be tough but its effecting me so much already its so hard. I have been real lucky and be assigned an individual therapist for the dbt too. Thing is shes only got my care workers notes and needs to know my "history" . I want this to work i wanna give my all but im scared to trust completely. Do i say the things im holding back? Do i write them down and say i wish to discuss them late in the future or do i simply ignore them and wait? I feel like a failure. I dont understand it so when everyones on unit 7 im only at 3. Makes me so mad at myself. I feel if i let go of all i have i have broken all my defenses at once and then i dont know how to react. Should i though ? I broke into tears with my support worker for the first time in 2 years last week. I felt TERRIBLE and scared. I hated myself... then i went away and thought . It was the first time in 2 years i could finally tell her how i felt without saying i dont know. Now its a relief. But im scared of it all. 30 year barriers

((Sami))

Firstly congrats (although that's an odd word to use but i can't think of a more appropriate one) on getting onto a dbt programme. Finally someone has listened to you, both the things you have actually said and those that remain unsaid, and taken postive steps towards helping you the way you have always wanted someone to.

I will be straightforward and plain, just as you know i always have and always will be. Nothing is easy, or meant to be so. And certainly nothing that involves helping hurting minds. I'm glad you signed the contract. You have taken responsibility for your own treatment. Its called being a grown up, something mental illness sometimes robs us of all too easily. Now you have taken those two steps the next one is really non-negotiable - you can't skirt around the trust issue, you can't be selective in what you do and don't reveal and confide, you just go for it....you don't ignore anything, you don't wait for some heavenly sign, you start at the beginning and you keep going until you reach the end. It will take time, and lots of it. You don't have anything to lose and everything to gain. Your defenses aren't doing anything for you, they aren't protecting you, you still hurt. Being scared is natural but also has physical benefits in that it will give you adrenaline to get through the tough stuff. Put your cards on the table, and one by one deal with them, using every ounce of support and help you have around you.

Good luck, i think you will reap huge rewards.

Brit x