The way I try and deal with the stress from arguements with J, I write everything down that I'm feeling. I usually keep it on my work pc for several days, then end up deleting it. I just need to get it out and my apologies in advance that it is here, I feel very guilty about unloading this out here. I just feel like I need to be heard out on this...this is my latest 'letter' to him......I actually said screw it and emailed it to him at work a few days ago, he hasn't responded to it, so I don't know if he has checked his email or not.......anyhow......











“Oh Poor me, I’m such a victim, everybody just picks on poor me and I don’t do anything wrong…..I’m a great guy……just ask my friends….they’ll tell you how great I am. So what if I call my wife names…..no big deal, because it’s me…the great guy, calling her names. It shouldn’t matter at all…she shouldn’t be upset that I call her names, have no respect or consideration for her…….after all, she’s only had just 3 of my kids….so it’s not like she’s important or anything….her feelings don’t matter. All that matters is ME, the great guy…….remember, ask my friends, they’ll tell you how great I am. I’d do anything for my friends, even a stranger. They deserve my kindness and respect. Not my wife and not my children, at least the children that she had for me. And if I for some reason, do something wrong, it’s not my fault, it’s always because someone or something made me do it or say it because great guys like myself, don’t ever do anything wrong!”

So that is pretty much how I see things because that is what YOU show me! You have 2 faces. Your public face and your home face. Your public face is the ‘great guy’ that you show all your friends and clients and strangers. The home face is what we see. You are an arrogant, egotistical, self centered abusive person. You are in need of some serious psychotherapeutic help. You have issues that are so twisted and perverse that only a professional can help you with them. You get so caught up in your own lies that you actually start believing them. You’re like Amanda who likes to watch herself sing in the mirror to her music CD because she’s pretending she has an audience. That is normal behavior for a 6 year old. That is NOT normal behavior for a 47 year old. Of course you’ll say none of that is true because that’s what you always say, you cannot own up to any kind of wrong doing by yourself. Let me ask you this, if you are just this great guy that does no wrong, then why am I unhappy with you? Oh, I better answer that one because you always try to answer for me and come up with your own delusional reasoning and then try and make it fact. So the answer to that question is: I am unhappy with you BECAUSE I am tired of every time you get a stick up your ass, you are the meanest, nastiest person to be around. I’m tired of being called a whore, slut, bitch, lunatic etc….every time during an argument because you feel that’s what I deserve to be called. You can tell me how all marriages have their ups and downs, yes, I know that, but majority of marriages don’t have the husband calling the wife names just to purposely hurt her during an argument, then expecting an apology to make it all go away each and every time. You can apologize only so much.

You are a bully. Don’t deny it either. Do you remember when you told me that in high school you were a big bully? Always picking on the smaller crowd, getting into fights…..how you had such a horrible temper. Of course you won’t remember telling me that, because that’s just you……..you’d deny any thing that would remotely make you look like not so quite a ‘great guy’.

So on to more reasons why I am unhappy with you. I’m tired of busting my ass cleaning a house just to have you come up right behind me and mess it right up with no regards to me and the hours I spent cleaning. It’s one thing to have to clean up after the children, that’s part of being a parent, but having to clean up after a 47 year old man that is perfectly capable of cleaning up after himself, but just refuses gets very frustrating after a while. And you’re not just the normal sloppy, messy person either. You are damn near biohazard nasty. Then on top of that, I take 2 babies to work with me Monday through Friday, and then have a 6 year old with me after her school. You get breaks all the time. I can’t even get a full 5 minutes to myself after you get home because YOU won’t watch them. You say you will so I can get time to myself, but what do you do? I’ll tell you…..you sit your ass down on the couch, shove a bottle into the babies mouth, let Morgan run around the house getting into all kinds of things (and its me that has to get up and go get her out of whatever she is in), Amanda sits in front of a TV in another room because God forbid you actually spend any quality time with them.

I’m sick of the damn favoritism that you show between Amanda and Barbara. Here it is, right in your face fact: your daughter, Barbara, is a fucking adult. She is by far no victim. She chose the route she was on and now she’s going to have to live with it. It’s not my problem. She is exactly like you! She is just as sneaky and devious as you are and as big as a liar as you are. She’s inherited all those lovely traits from you, Mr. Great Guy. Yet, when our 6 year old acts up, like 6 year olds do, you have no problem yelling and screaming at Amanda or telling her to go to her room and leave you alone all because she got on your nerves because she kept asking you to play with her or she was trying to play with you. But Barbara is a repeat fuck up and you talk to her like she’s a fucking baby. If I didn’t know it was her on the phone when you talk to her, I’d swear you were talking to a 5 year old. “Its okay sweetheart, it’s not your fault that you don’t want to get a job and go to school, it’s not your fault that you like to sponge off of other people to pay your bills and support you and give you money so you can blow it all on alcohol and drugs. It’s not your fault that you’re just plain fucking lazy…….it’s everyone else’s fault….they make you do the things you do…….never mind that you are 22 years old and know right from wrong……you’re a victim ~ just like ME ~…….Come on, we’ll feel sorry for ourselves together because the whole world is against us”

God damn that is sickening! And yes, you are exactly that way with her. Amanda has even told me how mean you are to her, but you’re always nice to Barbara. But then again, you don’t like kids….especially kids that age and especially our kids. They are nothing but a nuisance to you. It’s your own problem when Amanda gets older and doesn’t want anything to do with you because of the favoritism that you have shown her. And out of those two, who do you think is going to make something of themselves and their lives? Amanda! But to you, Amanda not having anything to do with you would be great because that’s one child less you have to worry about. Then all you have to do is work on Morgan and Andrew and push them away and you’ll be home free! No kids to worry about. I am so sick and fucking tired of this bullshit.

When I met you, Barbara was 14 yrs old. I expected and was prepared for any kind of negative attitude I might get from her. That's normal for kids to react that way to one of their parents remarrying. I understood then and let pretty much everything she did to me slide. BUT, she is fucking 22 yrs old now and still causing problems in our marriage. Don't think for one minute that I will continue to keep my mouth shut on this anymore. Now your daughter is pregnant. Your mother told you this was going to happen. Your own mother, her grandmother has told me that not to give Barbara a fucking dime, that Barbara is an adult and can get up off her 'sorry lazy ass' and get a fucking job. Barbara has another thing coming if she thinks we're going to finance her and this pregnancy while she sits on her ass at home doing NOTHING!! FUCK THAT!! Your mother has told even you not to give her any money, that she's an adult and needs to start acting like one, become responsible for her actions. It is well known that Barbara got herself pregnant on purpose to keep that boyfriend around, you know, I know, christ......everyone knows it. She's been on birth control since she was 10 yrs old for pete's sake.....then here at the age of 22, the month her boyfriend is wanting to break up with her and tells her its over, she gets pregnant. Uhhhh.......it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what happened there!! You're mother has told you and me that if she finds out that you've been giving Barbara money that she will support me 110% when I leave your fucking ass. Don't under estimate me J, because I'll leave you in a heartbeat if I ever find out that you are giving her money. I had two babies back to back, last year and one that is 2 months old. I went straight back to work, less than a week after I gave birth to both of them........I take care of our 6 yr old when she's out of school, tend to house chores, errands, school work, school functions, all meals. You both are friggin' crazy if you think we're going to finance Barbara's partying ways all the while I work my ass off, taking TWO babies to work with me 5 days a week and then take care of the above mentioned. YOU, yes you have even told me that Barbara is lazy.......but you allow/ed it. Its not MY PROBLEM!!! I have 3 small children of ours that need to be taken care of. Each and everytime you gave her money, where did it go to? Drugs, alcholol, and partying. She needs to grow up..........Im not far from taking your mothers advice about not letting Barbara into the house around OUR kids until she cleans up her act.

I bet when you air our problems out to your buddies that they hear the John version of it. You know the version where you are always the victim. I bet every time you discuss with them our problems, all they hear is how you’re just this great husband that does no wrong…..and I’m sure all they hear about is that bitch of a wife of yours. Every relationship you’ve had that you’ve told me about ended because of the other party. It was always about how the ex’s were crazy and you were this loving, supportive, caring great guy that did no wrong. Sorry buddy, even back then I didn’t buy into that crap. Nothing is ever your fault. By the way, there’s your fucking apology!

((((((((((((((((((((((((Sean)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



I think what you said here is awesome! You are dealing with your stress - it's a constructive way to do it and it gets it out of your head and onto paper. And then you're able to get rid of it... to let it go.



Please don't feel like you have to apologize. We are here for you... and this is why this forum, in particular, exists.



I am so proud of you for sending this to him. You are so brave and strong for doing that. I can't imagine how hard it was, but it proves that you've had enough! It's curious that he hasn't said anything since you sent it... has he acted any differently at home? I'd imagine you'll know when he gets it. Hopefully it won't be until after your mediation tomorrow.

((((((((((((((((((Sean)))))))))))))))))))))

Remember that we care about you and want to support you. We will be here whatever decision you make (and it sounds like your mil will be too - how nice!). Please keep venting to us, and try not to feel badly about it.

Blessings,
Jen

(((((((((Sean)))))))))))

I haven't been around much lately and happened to check the boards and found this post. It immediately caught my eye. I have to say it hit home in some ways. I know what it's like to be the one being called every name in the book and taking the blame for literally everything. I was very glad to hear that you actually sent this letter to J. Too many of us lack the courage to face a situation like this. We see it in our minds and talk it out to ourselves, but to confront the person is something most of us fear. It took me 14 years to end a bad situation. I can only hope that because of this letter, your marriage will take a turn for the better. You are a strong person and I hope you can see that in yourself. Moreso, I hope J will see that too.

Best of luck. Know that we are here to listen.

Aisha

((((((((((((((((((Jen, Aisha))))))))))))))))))


Thanks for hearing me out! So he did get my email, but when he has no argument back, he won't really say anything to me about it........especially when its about the stunts his daughter has been pulling. He has been extra nice to me though my guards are still up, and its sad, because he's done so many nasty things to me in the past that I don't think I'll ever really feel comfortable to let them fully down.

this issue with his daughter..........Im standing by completely what Ive told him......his mother has told him that I will leave him if he doesn't tell her to get off her arse and get a job.........she's a friggin adult.........Im not working fulltime just to support some lazy deadbeat and her deadbeat boyfriend..........aaarrrggghhhh!

Just thinking about it.........makes me tense and angry! This is not like she is unable to work to support herself........she is not handicapped or disabled of any sort that would restrict her ability to work.........this is all about her being lazy and Ive told John that if she calls up here asking you if him if he wants to 'meet up', Im going to get on the phone and tell her how things are going to be from now and I won't spare anyones feelings.....Im just fed up..........what I told him in the email is so true......she is exactly like him..........sneaky, devious, lazy, and a compulsive, pathological, habitual liar...........whenever she calls him to 'meet up'.......its always for money........he's invited her over to the house, but she never shows up (maybe once or twice she did) but she won't anymore because she can't get any money from him because Im there and she knows I won't let him.

On another note: since emailing this letter (you should see how 'my documents file' on my work pc fills up with all these letters.......) he's been alot nicer, patient and actually supportive. We have both been trying to get exercise in...........Ive been taking our 18 month old out in her jogging stroller (nope, I don't jog.......Im too lazy for that LOL) but I do attempt to roller blade and take her around the neighborbood.......she likes it. J takes the baby and our 6 yr old out to the park while Im blading and strolling..........he rides his bike in the early hours of the morning......I'd like to start riding again but Ive got this fear of crossing intersections on a bike and riding on the TINY bike paths they give us on the streets........I think Ive found a good place to ride though.........not alot of traffic at all...........Ive still got a good 50 lbs of baby/pregnancy weight that I need to tackle.

PLUS, still not smoking.........not easy, but its been alittle over a month and I don't really think of the cigarettes at all........woohoo!!


Thanks again!!!

Take Care!!!!



sean


Friday after court, I stayed home instead of going into the office.........our 18 month old was pretty sick so yesterday we took her into her doctors, she has a pretty bad cold, she's had a first half of the flu shot, goes in next month for the second 1/2.........today Im probably going to do a 1/2 day.........she's feeling alittle better, but she's still pretty sick...........nasty cough

((((((Sean)))))))

I'm glad to see things are out in the open with J. I can only imagine what his reaction to your letter was. In most cases it's "shock" because they tend to believe they have never done anything wrong. It's good to know that he is treating you better but I would, as you said, not let your guard down so easy. I remember bringing minor things up to my ex and he would be "Mr. Peachy" for the next few days until he lost sight of what we had talked about and then it would be back to the same type of behavior. So just take things slow and stay strong. I think you're doing great and GREAT job with the smoking!!!

Hang in there and know we're here for you.



Aisha

((((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))

I know exactly what you are talking about! The Mr. Nice Guy routine. J still has those moments all though not as often as he did in our earlier years. When we separated back in 2002, he was court ordered the anger management classes, substance abuse, domestic violence class......but he charmed his way thru most of the classes, blaming all our problems on me and my depression. I was also court ordered to take the domestic violence victim counceling and also took the assertiveness counceling. The assertiveness counceling really made a difference with me........not so much the DV counceling, because I always just jumped from one volatile relationship to the next.......even stayed longer than I should have, knowing full well I should have left. That assertive counceling helped me stand up for myself better, learn how to say enough and when we got back together in 2003 after being separated for that year (due to the injunction I had against him) things were pretty good for the first couple months I guess until the first arguement...........he was in a state of shock when he saw I didn't cower away and give in to him.......a nice slap in the face from reality. He has said that I need to trust him more, but the way I see it, he needs to earn that trust back.......not just be given it back because we're married and getting along, ya know?! Maybe Im holding this grudge too long, but its the way I protect myself from getting hurt over again.........defence mechanism, I guess you'd call it.

Well, thanks gals!! Im off to take the baby out for her stroll!


sean