Trigger, language/abuse


This is something that I wrote before I went to Los Angeles three weeks ago. I've mulled over whether to post it or not. Listening to a C.D. from Creed inspired me to write it.






I'm sitting here listening to Creed. So many songs I enjoy.
This one gives new meaning and has found a new spot in my mind.




CREED... "What If"
I can't find the rhyme in all my reason
I've lost sense of time and all seasons
I feel I've been beaten down
By the words of men who have no grounds
I can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom
When your ax has cut the roots that feed them
Forked tongues in bitter mouths
Can drive a man to bleed from inside out

What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?


I've seen the wicked fruit of your vine
Destroy the man who lacks a strong mind
Human pride sings a vengeful song
Inspired by the times you've been walked on
My stage is shared by many millions
Who lift their hands up high because they feel this
We are one We are strong
The more you hold us down the more we press on


What if you did?
What if you lied?
What if I avenge?
What if eye for an eye?


I know I can't hold the hate inside my mind
Cause what consumes your thoughts controls your life
So I'll just ask a question
What if?
What if your words could be judged like a crime?


For over 3 years I've heard all there is to hear on abuse. The pain, the tears, the emotional scars that run right through a loving heart. A few years ago, I knew of it, but never anyone who'd been through it. Now, the time has come for me to go get my Sweetheart and bring her home. I also get the pleasure to meet the bastard who caused so much pain. A while back, neither of us had interest in meeting one another. Now, he has asked to meet me. He wants to meet the man who is going to be a role model to his children. Me? yeah, me.
I'll give him that. I respect that.

What if?

Revenge? An eye for an eye?

Me? Never! I will never lower myself to that level. I'm not a fighter. I prove myself by who I am, not what others may think. I lead by example and thats how my daughter has learned. Respect.

I get to meet the man and look him in the eyes. The Lord gives temptation! Ha!



The man can talk and convince you the grass is pink. Self centered, oblivious to the world.

I've had my hatred towards him. Hear the tears over the phone? The nightmares I've comforted her through. I look at myself in the mirror. Its me I judge, not him. I have my dumb things I've done. Abuse aint one of them, never will be. I'm a fixer, not a destroyer.

I'm on the journey of life. My life gets so much better in just a few days. I'll be coming home with Aisha and her boys. The farther away I can get them from him, the happier I'll be. Part of me hates myself for taking a child from thier Dad. Another part wishes I did it years ago. I have ZERO intrest in fighting. I'd much rather walk away. He can leave his head in his hands wondering where he went wrong.

Hate? why? why? why?

Why the fuck does there have to be abuse in this world?

Wheres the excuse to harm a person or child?

Hands are for holding, not hitting!!!!!!!!!!

In the coming days, I meet an abuser. For him, I have a smile. I dispise the things he has done. Respect is something he'll never earn from me.

I'm just a man. I'm just someone who loves to love, loves to laugh, loves to help.

I care about everyone out there, stranger or friend.

I've learned so much in my 39 years of life on this earth. I still have so much to learn!

I've read countless pages on the subject of abuse.

The weak are NOT the abused, but the abuser.


God has created us all (if you choose to share my belief ) He may not make junk, but he sure has made a few with some crappy attitudes. Destroyed because they lack a strong mind? I think its choice and environment.

I'm proud of all of those who have struggled to work on thier lives through and after abuse.

I'm going to gently close the door on what used to be. No, I'm not slamming it out of hate or resentment. Thats just wasted emotions that achieve nothing. Instead I choose acceptance. I can't undo whats happened in the past. ( I so wish I could.)

After so many years of being 3000 miles away, hoping to wipe away the tears, now I will be able to.
To hold, to support, to be there.

A silent roar wants to escape from within. Rage against a man I never met. To hell with him. My life is soon to become "Us" and I choose to look forward to what life will offer Us. Happiness.

There is life after abuse. I'm determined to do just that with Aisha. Live, and live happily.