~~~~~*****Trigger*****~~~~~~~~





















You constantly inform me that I am a no good child, that none of your children listen to what you tell then to do. Well maybe we would listen to you if you had raised us. Instilled in us that you were a parent, there to raise us, teach us rights from wrongs, someone who provided unconditional love. Well I guess you missed that part when you handed off the mothering to my brothers to me. At 4 I was to help with Matt and by 5 I was responsible for Aaron after he got home from the hospital. I was a fucking child, almost 5, and you expected me to be a mom.
I needed to make sure they behaved, that they were tucked into bed at night, that they didn't interrupt whatever you were doing. And if these boys, these young boys even stepped a toe across the line I was the one that got reprimanded. You always liked to hit my arms an legs and just throw things around. Not to mention pulling my hair to get me to relent when you wanted your way. Back then I didn't know what else to do. I thought this was supposed to happen. That this was a normal thing.



Now I am a grown up, a 23 year old young woman. Yet you still find this need to rule over me, You try to control when i go out, who I go to see, what I do, and so on. You yell that chores in the house don't get done right, yet we follow your methods to a T every time we do laundry, run the dishwasher, etc. If things aren't done right, then it involves yelling, throwing objects, and hitting. I am not a child and i do understand what you want. It is not my fault that you don't know what you want. You yell at me about what I wear, what i do with my body, what I chose as a profession. Nothing I do is good enough for you. I went away to College in order to focus on my studies at an amazing education center. I graduate with a 2.8, and instantly found a job. I had a plan and followed through with it, yet it still wasn't right. "Your pay should be better, you should get a degree in something you can do something with". Nothing was good enough for you Mom. I try to come out and figure out who i am as a budding adult and I don't even do that right. according to you. I went and got a tattoo. A FLIPPING TATTOO?!?!?! Seriously there is so much more that I could be doing so many worst things but I chose not to and you have to react with a "What the Hell is that". No generic that's nice or as long as you are happy, no just
'you need to go find a plastic surgeon to take it off" I got a tattoo...GET OVER IT! I am 23, and I can do what I want with my body. I didn't cause any harm to you and you didn't pay for it, so why does it matter what I get placed on my body.



Heaven forbid I have anxiety issues and am being treated for depression. You remind me every day that my "depression" is me seaking attention and that I sould cut it out since depression is all in a person's head and they just need to stop thinking like they are. Thanks for the support mom. You and your standards were what started my need to release everything inside of me through SI. You are like a hurricane. You suck people into your way of thinking and spit them back out like you, leaving me surrounded by your negativity and ideals. I can't go anywhere without someone knowing you. I have no time to relax, no place for me to release. So I just cut. Bet you didn't even know it. I know you have seen the scabs and scars and tell me to be more careful at work or school. You don't even see what is in front of your face, that your daughter is hurting and just wants her mom.



The only words you have for me every day are "You were such a mistake" and "You fucked everything up"
I can't do this anymore Mom. I have become so anxious about me and how people perceive me thanks to all the bilittleing comments you have walled up between us. I don't believe in myself or what others tell me. I feel like I have been broken and others just need to stay away from me. I am not supposed to be a perfect adult. Lord knows I haven't even begun to make mistakes in the growing up process. I can't be at your beck and call every hour of the day. I JUST WANT TO LIVE MY DAMN LIFE!!! Not the one you keep stuffing down my throat.





RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

(((((((((Stry)))))))))))

I just wanted to let you know I read this and I am sorry for what you have gone through.

Amanda

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Stry)))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((Stry))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so hard when you have a difficult relationship with a parent. You were brave to post your rant here. Thank you for trusting us.

Blessings,
Jen

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Stry))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))

Thank you for sharing this, Stry. You are a beautiful young lady who has a loving heart and is trying to make her mother proud of her. It is horrible what you have been through with her. It just makes me weep for you and all the pain she has inflicted on you. I can relate to what you say----having been through very similiar things when I was growing up and still getting the same thing from my Mom.

As much as we try to make sense or explain why people (as in parents) say and do the things they do----we can't and never really will. It breaks my heart to see how much can be stripped away from young children by their parents. IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THAT WAY. It is your birthright to have loving and nurturing parents. Does is always happen-----don't we wish that it did. It does sound like you have been the only one in your house who has even had a concern for "family". Being expected to be a mother when you are yourself a child----it does certain things to you and anybody else placed in that spot. Please don't think that you are in ANY way "less than". Just the fact that you are wanting and seeking a better way shows that you are so much "more than". You want a better life----you want to give and receive love. YOU are capable, it is your mother who is not. You are a precious young lady----please know that. You have so much to give. Unfortunately, you are having to give yourself the things that should have been given unconditionally to you. That is so hard when you have never seen it before...in your family...except from yourself.

Please, tell yourself EVERY single day how very special you are. Because of what you have been through, you could be trying to numb yourself with drugs and/or alchohol but instead you are wanting to please your Mom and find some healing for your family.
You are asking for love....that is all. It is free. I know that your faith is very important to you, and in my mind, that is God coming to your rescue. He knows and sees all you have been through and He is trying to show you how very special you are. If you had been the only person in this entire world----He would still have created such a beautiful place for you. Why------because that is how much He loves you. YOU--STRY.

I am sorry that this is so very long. I know that I talk way too much. I just would like to open your heart up and poor in every thing that you need and open up your Mother's mind and heart, also. Sadly, we can only help ourselves. We have no power to change others. We can only change ourselves. AND you are doing a good job at that-----and all as an overcomer. Keep seeking for yourself because you so deserve it. Because of what you have experienced in life-----you have alot to offer others and it seems to come naturally for you. You are a giver.

God Bless You, Sweet Lady
Sparklee

Hey Stry,

I read your post a few times, and just read it yet again. Your story is one that is familiar to me, my best friend and "kid-sister" was living in a very similar situation. I remember when I first met her and learned of the abuse that was going on, and that she thought it was normal.

I tip my hat off to you for facing the fear of letting out your emotions. I tip my hat off to you for persevering and fighting for what you believe in. I tip my hat off to you for doing things for yourself and not letting others pull you down (referencing your tattoo).

One thing you will learn in time, and with the support of others around you, is that you are an amazing person, with a huge heart and a tremendous amount of potential. you will learn that you are worth the effort and that the only opinion that counts is your own. You will learn to have coping mechanisms that will guide you and help you accomplish any goal you set out for yourself.

Know that I am here to listen and also here to chat if you ever need it.

Be strong and remember that you are an important person and you are someone who I personally would love to get to know.

Chilly

((((((((((Stry)))))))))))) that was so heartfelt. I will say one thing. IM GLAD YOU SEE IT HOW IT IS! Im glad you see its your mom and not you. Yes you do have the right to live your own life. Im glad you see that and i wish you luck

((((((((((stry))))))))

I have to say that was an amazing post. It came out so vivid and true. I just felt myself cringe at what you went through as such a young child, and are still experiencing.

Good for you getting the tatoo!!! (claps hands) I got my ears pierced 2 weeks ago and got the same response as you did, from my hubby. ggggggrrrrrrrrrr

You are so right. It is OUR life and we have to take care of ourselves first. Continue your strength, it shows up bright and clear.

Hugs, big fat hugs,
Menolly

Thanks everyone for the support. This has never been an easy thing for me to deal with, and not many people know about it. I know I am still fairly new to this site, but I feel like I can just let go here and not be judged. It's an every day battle with my mother and some days are easier than others, but knowing that there are people here who will listen to me vent and not tell me that my feelings are wrong and I need to be who she wants me to be is a breath of fresh air.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this support and love. I really feel like I am becoming part of this wonderful family here on this site.

(((((((((((((stry))))))))))))))))))

I remember you from another MB, its nice to see you again. Just reading what you went thru as a child and what you still go thru to this day is just so saddening yet angering! How a parent can treat their child that way is just beyond me. Im sorry to hear that you still go thru this on a daily basis. It is good to know that you don't blame yourself, because you were never to blame for anything your mother did to you.......I didn't have the best of a childhood myself and had some serious issues with my mother too. Best wishes to you stry and stay strong!!


sean