**********T************
CAUTION THIS POST IS HIGHLY TRIGGERING please note the section it is in. Also self harm triggering and suicide.BE CAREFUL no holds barred
These are thoughts destroying my head right this minute. Im not sure why i dare post them here but i want to die right this min cause i cant handle how i feel anymore. So guess writing this is like talking to someone when there is noone.
I was raped yeah me 7 years ago now. 7 years... sounds like a long time. Well it might as well have been yesterday . People expect you to be "over it" im sick of hearing "whats so bad in your life" well ok maybe NOTHING is... but it was and if you cant let go of the past the past is the present. I am triggered highly by the fact im going to visit my step dad. The man my dad thinks is cool and my family all accept. Yeah but again i have the secret. He tried to sexually abuse my sister. Ok shes an adult but shes my little sister for fucks sake. My mom in all her greatness found out and stayed with him..... now i have to stay in his house and play happy families and i wont forgive him not even and he doesnt even know i know. Now how to feel he saved my moms life... greatful as hell but he abusedmy little sis.
There is also the fact i have lived for the past years thinking i was abused as a kid. Infact therapy tells me i was . But then im not allowed to talk about it anymore in therapy without it being a police issue. The system sucks cause you know what about me now? Selfish? I dont know but i cant talk to anyone for fear of the police or them taking actions into their own hands and that fixes nothing.
My family is a fuck up. Im not allowed to feel anything. I got to smile and pretend all is fine when i hate everyone and everything and i want to self harm so there is nothing left. I let some fucker take my life from me and now i have to play happy families with the person who tried to do the same to my sister????? I want to die. Not sayingi plan to or nuthing. But i want to. Inside i am ripped appart. The past doesnt fade it hurts like hell. I dont care what anyone says. I see the guys face in my dreams i see it when im awake. Why didnt he kill me...
Full Version: Breakdown..... meltdown :-(
(((((((((((Sami)))))))))))))))
I am sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time right now. Sweetie, nobody can tell you to get over being raped - and 7 yrs really isn't that long, it really isn't. It's not going to happen. How would you get over that? Someone violated you in such a personal way, you were attacked...."how do you get over that" as they are suggesting? Maybe even your T is saying that. Well, pfffft. You can learn to work through it, but you'll never forget it, so how could you get over it?
This "what's so bad about your life?" garbage. I'd have to smack someone who asked me that. First off, it assumes that they know everything about you. Then, it doesn't take into account that you have an ILLNESS that affects the way you cope and react and deal with stress. So, yeah, a swift kick in the rear is certainly in order here
And for having to go to your Mom's and see your step-dad? How stressful! You are protective of your little sis! Who wouldn't be? You know what happened and you're angry as hell! You're a caring and sensitive person, Sami, so it makes perfect sense that you're having a hard time having to go and put on the "face." Just remember that we're rooting for you here from the net!
Not being able to talk about abuse in therapy must be excruciating. Are there any other outlets for you? Sitting here right now, I can't think of anything, but it seems like there has to be something creative.... some community group, or something??? You are not being selfish for wanting to talk about it, Sami.
I know what it's like to feel as if the only outlet is to SI... or to die. Please, hun, keep reaching out. You know how to get me. I'm not online as much lately, since surgery. But I do get online everyday and do check my email at least once a day. So please write!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((Sami)))))))))))))))))))))))
Luv and Blessings,
Jen
I am sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time right now. Sweetie, nobody can tell you to get over being raped - and 7 yrs really isn't that long, it really isn't. It's not going to happen. How would you get over that? Someone violated you in such a personal way, you were attacked...."how do you get over that" as they are suggesting? Maybe even your T is saying that. Well, pfffft. You can learn to work through it, but you'll never forget it, so how could you get over it?
This "what's so bad about your life?" garbage. I'd have to smack someone who asked me that. First off, it assumes that they know everything about you. Then, it doesn't take into account that you have an ILLNESS that affects the way you cope and react and deal with stress. So, yeah, a swift kick in the rear is certainly in order here
And for having to go to your Mom's and see your step-dad? How stressful! You are protective of your little sis! Who wouldn't be? You know what happened and you're angry as hell! You're a caring and sensitive person, Sami, so it makes perfect sense that you're having a hard time having to go and put on the "face." Just remember that we're rooting for you here from the net!
Not being able to talk about abuse in therapy must be excruciating. Are there any other outlets for you? Sitting here right now, I can't think of anything, but it seems like there has to be something creative.... some community group, or something??? You are not being selfish for wanting to talk about it, Sami.
I know what it's like to feel as if the only outlet is to SI... or to die. Please, hun, keep reaching out. You know how to get me. I'm not online as much lately, since surgery. But I do get online everyday and do check my email at least once a day. So please write!!!
((((((((((((((((((((((Sami)))))))))))))))))))))))
Luv and Blessings,
Jen
This is a "lo-fi" version of our main content. To view the full version with more information, formatting and images, please click here.