I believe I’ve come pretty far since I left my ex. We can talk now, and even though he can still get me anxious, I mostly can deal with hit. There are days I forgive him for what he did to me and days I don’t. Most times do I forgive him, yes. Will I forget… NO. Sick part is he expects me to forget things ever happened. It’s those times I tell him we need to change the subject.

Last Sunday I went to dinner with him and the kids. I just felt it would be easier than cooking and neither my mother or myself wanted to cook. So I agreed to go with them since I was picking the kids up anyway. During the course of dinner they were laughing when he said “did you tell momma about the cup of water?” They continued laughing and my little one said, daddy threw water on me and laughed even more. He said did you tell momma the rest? So here I am sitting there not laughing with my mind racing. I don’t know how many of you remember the incident where he threw a glass of water at me before I left him. My son handed it to him and he in turn threw it at me. My older son remembered that and had an idea in his head that if he wouldn’t have given the water to daddy, I would still be with him He blamed himself.

So my ex tells me, you know what they’re talking about don’t you. He said the water that I threw at you (laughing of course), I told him, I kind of figured it out and by the way, it was a glass. He said it was a cup of water and I never threw the cup. I told him, it was a glass, you threw it at me and we need to change the subject (which we did as he continued to laugh). So that alone in itself ruined my evening.

Now, I have a few thoughts in my head. Is it better that they can laugh about it so my son doesn’t think it was his fault anymore? Or does it make them think it’s an okay thing to do? I hated him that night. I don’t know how I’m supposed to react with something like that and I wonder too how it came up. I wonder if they would laugh if I told them daddy threw a pan from the oven which hit my wrist and left a scar because I was stupid enough to try and catch it. I guess I thought if I didn’t, he would get more mad. Stupid.

((((((((((((((((AISHA))))))))))))))))

i think that is terrible for his to laugh and joke about such a thing, let alone it being in front of you and especially the kids. i don't see how you are able to joke about it, and i think it would be wrong to do so, giving the wrong impression to your children that domestic violence is something that can be laughed about. it is understandable that your oldest blames himself but eventually he will realise what actually happened wasn't his fault, i guess metaphorically he may have given away the gun, but he didn't pull the trigger, accountability doesn't lie with those that provide the weapons only those who use them. i guess you have already tried to no avail to explain this, but he will eventually know.

(((((Aisha)))))
I don't think this has anything to do with your son! You've discussed the incident and he's hopefully past it

It sounds to me like a direct hit on you....He put the knife back in and twisted, because he still hopes you will think its your fault, hopes your son will think its your fault, hopes you will feel bad

It's been my experience that abusive men know just where to hit where it hurts the most.

I'm so sorry he's doing that to you......don't overthink it....it was a cruel cruel comment!

grrrrowwwwlll I'd love to get my teeth into him, and into other like him! There are far too many cruel and mean people in this world.

To borrow a term from Beagle...." GROWLLLLLLLLL"

For your ex to bring up something that was done to cause physical harm is outragious. We talked about this and, yes, I guess, in a way, it can remove the guilt from your son for giving Dad the glass. Thats all fine and dandy. What it doesn't do is remove the fact that he threw the water AND the glass itself at you. The is no excuse for it. He can try and laugh it off all he wants. He screwed up. He's an idiot for bringing it up and leading your sons on at the dinner table.

I remember telling you over the past 3 plus years, its all about control. He did what he could to ruin your night. Control. You did the right thing...CHANGE SUBJECT! you took the control back! Touche'

In 7 weeks, you'll be moving far away. 3000 miles away. Your ex will no longer be seeing his children. If my Ex were to be moving away, I would be clinging to my child with every moment I had. Instead, he sees them when he decides its good for him? In a way, good for the kids! They are getting weaned off of him and his ways.

Your sons are excited about moving. Thats what counts. It started out as something you wanted. Now its something all 3 of you want. There will be guilt for "taking them away". They will be moving into a better life, a better home, away from a man who lays blame on everyone and takes no resposibility for his own actions.

Just get over it? Go to hell!

Abuse isn't something that just cures like a scrape or bruise. There are emotional scars that run deep.
He may try to forget, he can place all the blame he wants to on you. The fact of the matter is, you are moving on with your life. You are changing and following your dreams. You are taking the steps to regain your life back. All you decisions have not been made out of haste. Instead, you have spent many hours, a 3 years choosing to do what you want. He only thinks on today. We have a future together. One that will consist of comfort. One that will consist of caring for our family. Family isn't about being made to feel uncomfortable...its about acceptance.

He may have brought up a horrible memory....but every cloud has a silver lining. Upon your hand there was a diamond! A promise of my love to you. He may try and put the knife back in and give it a twist as beagle put it. But, there was brillance he saw upon your hand. I guess those are my daggers to him.
I'm not out to do him or anyone wrong. I'm not out to gain revenge. What I seek is the woman I love and the opportunity to be the best role model I can be for your children. I'm not perfect, nor do I claim to be.
In 7 weeks, he can ponder the thought of that glass, and he can think of just what it has cost him. 7 weeks to mess with your heads, be it yours or the childrens. I smile at what the future holds for us. I can accept what used to be, but my focus will be upon today. My focus will be on whats best for us as a family.

*gets on a plane*

In 7 weeks, A serenity seeker and a serenity builder will meet.


Forever yours, Mr. SerenityBuilder

I think he has a touch of selective memory....you know the kind where someone doesnt want to or cant live with a memory so alllows time to change it and water it down. People that hurt others need a selective memory in order to carry on living. Probably for him enough time has passed between that incident and today for him to convince himself it was nothing much and so he can call it up as a laughable memory and a joke to share with his sons. Unfortunately for you the memory is still crystal clear in your mind and you remember all too well the feelings and the intent. I dont actually see him recounting the tale and laughing with his sons as a purposeful intent to hurt you and exert some power over you. I actually see it as another sad prick who finds it easier to change the memories of what a cruel bastard he was than to deal with them and make reparation for them. You are soooooo much better off without him, but then you know that!

You are bringing your sons up differently, and you should try and feel confident that the ' sins of the fathers will not be revisited by the sons'. I dont think children should necessarily know what has happened between mums and dads.

Xxx

((((((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))))))

I can't say anything better than what has already been said... I think you totally did the right thing! And this is just further evidence, imo, that you are making the right decision to move!! Get away from him - and get those kids away from him!!!! Far, far away!!! And you're doing just that!!!

Blessings,
Jen

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((((((((((((((Aisha)))))))))))))))))))