My Name is BrokenSoul. I have been coming here to BF ( Building foundations) for the last 7 years off and on and i have been holding this inside for so long and now i have to release it. This is my story I ask you to please not judge me for posting this, If this is too much for some of you than Don't bother to read any further.
I grew up in a normal neighborhood where everybody knew everyone & if you needed help they would help you out. I was the good girl never got into trouble. I was the chubby girl in my neighborhood and i was always to young or to old never really fit in I spent time by myself a lot playing in my room. In grade school I was always trying my best at everything I never quit no matter what. One class i didn't like was PE because i had developed earlier than most other girls were flat and skinny i was curvy and had boobs I found it weird that my pe teacher was always paying a little more attention to me in class watching me, i didn;t think much of it until one summer day we were outside on the basket ball courts stretching out and he would come by make comments like: are you wet yet? i love the way your boobs look when you run, he would put his hands down the back of my pants and just rub his hands on my butt and trail up towards my bra and attempt to undo the clasp to feel my boobs. I was 8 yrs old at the time and I was so scared because he had threatened me if I told I would be in a lot of trouble and the he would see to it that i get suspended. I never told anyone.
Two years later my great grams and great uncle came to live with us I was so happy cause I hadn't seen them in a long time until my great uncle started drinking more and more heavily and he became a very different person he was very abusive and angry yelling playing mind games with me. It became worse after my great grams passed away he started sexually abusing me mentally emotionally and physically as well, i told my family repeatedly but they did nothing and it continued until i was 18 years old then finally my grandpa kicked him out of the house. He still comes over and I relive all the shit he did to me and feel like im 8yrs old again.
Once junior high hit that;s when my weight started going up and down and i started experimenting with drugs: cigarettes, pot, coke & drinking every morning before school at my friends house. I was extremely messed up then wasn't sleeping, lying to my family, cutting. I went through several phases: preppy, gothic, sk8ter, goodie goodie. I never felt like I belonged. Then i was sexually assaulted again in my english class by a classmate, he sat next to me all the time and i didn't think anything of it then while we were watching a movie for a report he started to rub his hand up my pant leg up to my panties and jam his fingers inside me, i just froze and blocked it out then he got behind me and said c'mon you know want it, don't you like it, then he ran up the back of my shirt under my bra and started grabbing my boobs and squeezing them, I screamed but the movie was so loud nobody heard me. I reported it but no one believed me.
HighSchool: I thought it would be different a new fresh start. I was working in the school cafeteria part time and going to school taking a full load my first 2 yrs. With the stress i would lose control and cut and binge and purge to escape all the pressure teachers were putting on me with performing concerts and competing in competitions with the choir and orchestra. I never thought I would experience what i went through in previous years then walking home from school it happened: I was abducted and raped at knife and gun point i froze i didn't want to believe it was real or what was really happening, i screamed and cried but couldn't get free when i got home i showered and buried my clothes didn't say anything until 5 days after, i was scared and broke down and by the time i went to er and had an exam it was too late they couldn't prove it happened and that person is still outhere i was 16.
Today i don't know what to feel. I don't trust men and i hate them more than you can imagine for what ive been through. i have days where i question why am i still here? I struggle more and more each day with cutting and bulimia.
Once Again I ask that you don't pass judgement on me for posting this because its been a part of me for a long time. So just please listen to my voice and read my story with an open mind and accept me for me.
Full Version: My Voice MUST BE HEARD
Brokensoul,
I am so sorry you went through that. Have you seen anyone about this? At the very least to talk about the different issues you now face.
I can see why you have trust issues. I think anyone going through what you did would feel the same way.
You are amazingly strong and have great courage. I am proud of you for posting what you did.
I think talking to someone would be a good start for you. Do you have insurance? or maybe there is a place where they can base it on your income where you live.
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. ((((((((Brokensoul))))))))))
I am so sorry you went through that. Have you seen anyone about this? At the very least to talk about the different issues you now face.
I can see why you have trust issues. I think anyone going through what you did would feel the same way.
You are amazingly strong and have great courage. I am proud of you for posting what you did.
I think talking to someone would be a good start for you. Do you have insurance? or maybe there is a place where they can base it on your income where you live.
My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. ((((((((Brokensoul))))))))))
(((((((((((((((Broken))))))))))))))))) That was very brave of you to post. You wont be judged here hun. I hope you can move foward with your life now. Are you seeing a therapist or someone who you can talk to about what happened? I think it might help you to move forward.
((((((((BrokenSoul))))))))
Thank you for trusting us with your story. It had to be difficult to write what you did, but you did it! Remember that this is a judge-free zone. Nobody will condemn you here for what you've been through! You've done some things to cope that many others may not understand, but lots of us have learned to cope in the same ways. There is no shame in that.
You have been to hell and back. But you are still here. You are a fighter - you are STRONG!!! I know sometimes it feels like you are so weak, we can all understand that feeling. But the fight that is in you shows. Just by posting here and wanting us to know your story, wanting us to understand...that tells me that you are a warrior. You're here for support, not for pity. You want to be understood, for someone, anyone, to help you get through feeling so awful. And we are here for you!
Others' suggestion that you seek out RL support is reasonable. Do you have a T or pdoc? Are you on any meds? I'm not saying that meds are the way to go, only you and your dr can decide that, but it may be worth a consultation. As far as a T, s/he is a really valuable tool to guide you and support you through terrible times. S/he can help you think about things differently, work with you to heal your traumas, and offer basic gentle kindness and support. Sometimes just knowing there is someone there who understands is worth its weight in gold.
Remember that we are here and that we care about you. I am proud that you posted here! Keep opening up to us as you feel comfortable, ok?
Blessings,
Jen
Thank you for trusting us with your story. It had to be difficult to write what you did, but you did it! Remember that this is a judge-free zone. Nobody will condemn you here for what you've been through! You've done some things to cope that many others may not understand, but lots of us have learned to cope in the same ways. There is no shame in that.
You have been to hell and back. But you are still here. You are a fighter - you are STRONG!!! I know sometimes it feels like you are so weak, we can all understand that feeling. But the fight that is in you shows. Just by posting here and wanting us to know your story, wanting us to understand...that tells me that you are a warrior. You're here for support, not for pity. You want to be understood, for someone, anyone, to help you get through feeling so awful. And we are here for you!
Others' suggestion that you seek out RL support is reasonable. Do you have a T or pdoc? Are you on any meds? I'm not saying that meds are the way to go, only you and your dr can decide that, but it may be worth a consultation. As far as a T, s/he is a really valuable tool to guide you and support you through terrible times. S/he can help you think about things differently, work with you to heal your traumas, and offer basic gentle kindness and support. Sometimes just knowing there is someone there who understands is worth its weight in gold.
Remember that we are here and that we care about you. I am proud that you posted here! Keep opening up to us as you feel comfortable, ok?
Blessings,
Jen
(((((((((((broken)))))))))))))))
That was a lot to say. And something very difficult. Before I say anything here, I want you to remember what everyone here has already said. We do not judge. We suppport. We try to be there for you when others can't. People in your real life. To me, everyone's life or problems or disorders are no different than any others. To us, our problems are just as important to us, as yours are to you. We are all equal here. I hope you know that we will continue to be here for you no matter what.
I have to say, I feel for you and what you went through. But being able to post about it is one giant leap. I know what it's like to tell your story. I did it a long time ago and I continue to do it on and off. The fact that you were able to sit here and write it shows you are willing to help yourself. That is your second step. I hope you really think hard on looking into a T or pdoc. There is no shame in talking with someone. Considering your feelings towards men, I would look into a woman. You know the strange thing is, when I first went into therapy, after going through what I did with my ex, and even during the time I was with my ex, I had a male GP and he referred me to a male therapist. The GP was the one who was the first person I told in real life what happened. He kind of pulled it out of me. Instead of the examination room, he took me to his office to "talk." He wanted to know why I was depressed, when it started and then questioned me a lot until I told him I was being abused. He was the one who got me to leave my marriage, and I am grateful to him for that. He also set me up with the therapist. A man. The reason I agreed with it was because I wanted to know if what I was feeling was real. Being a man, I wanted to see if he would think I was making a big deal out of nothing. But what he did was support me and support me and support me. He told me no man should treat anyone, let alone a woman the way my husband treated me. He helped me a lot.
I hope that you think about getting help, if you have not already. You are someone special that deserves to feel good about yourself. You didn't deserve the life you had. None of us do. But like all of us, your situations are now part of your life and the only way you will be able to help yourself is if you be honest with yourself and your feelings. Believe you did nothing wrong and believe that you did everything you could at the time. Know that there are people who care for you and will support you. You deserve the best.
Hang in there, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers,
Aisha
That was a lot to say. And something very difficult. Before I say anything here, I want you to remember what everyone here has already said. We do not judge. We suppport. We try to be there for you when others can't. People in your real life. To me, everyone's life or problems or disorders are no different than any others. To us, our problems are just as important to us, as yours are to you. We are all equal here. I hope you know that we will continue to be here for you no matter what.
I have to say, I feel for you and what you went through. But being able to post about it is one giant leap. I know what it's like to tell your story. I did it a long time ago and I continue to do it on and off. The fact that you were able to sit here and write it shows you are willing to help yourself. That is your second step. I hope you really think hard on looking into a T or pdoc. There is no shame in talking with someone. Considering your feelings towards men, I would look into a woman. You know the strange thing is, when I first went into therapy, after going through what I did with my ex, and even during the time I was with my ex, I had a male GP and he referred me to a male therapist. The GP was the one who was the first person I told in real life what happened. He kind of pulled it out of me. Instead of the examination room, he took me to his office to "talk." He wanted to know why I was depressed, when it started and then questioned me a lot until I told him I was being abused. He was the one who got me to leave my marriage, and I am grateful to him for that. He also set me up with the therapist. A man. The reason I agreed with it was because I wanted to know if what I was feeling was real. Being a man, I wanted to see if he would think I was making a big deal out of nothing. But what he did was support me and support me and support me. He told me no man should treat anyone, let alone a woman the way my husband treated me. He helped me a lot.
I hope that you think about getting help, if you have not already. You are someone special that deserves to feel good about yourself. You didn't deserve the life you had. None of us do. But like all of us, your situations are now part of your life and the only way you will be able to help yourself is if you be honest with yourself and your feelings. Believe you did nothing wrong and believe that you did everything you could at the time. Know that there are people who care for you and will support you. You deserve the best.
Hang in there, and know you are in my thoughts and prayers,
Aisha
There is no shame in what happened to you and I am glad you posted it. It sounds like you really needed to get that out.
I am not sure where to start but me being me will apologize if anything comes out too blunt. I can be rough around the edged and honest to a fault, but my heart is in the right place.
I posted this on another post. Rape is NOT about sex, it is about power. Its sick and twisted and horrible for those who live through it. Been there done that. The easiest and most normal way to deal with that is rage. I hated life, I hated myself, I haded the Divine/s, I hated my abusers, I hated just about everyone and everything. That rage eventually tore me apart and I tried to kill myself. that wasn't the only reason but it held a pretty big place in my soul for a long time.
They did not take you from you. You are still you, just with a few more scars. A few more bruises. But you are still you. DOn't let them take that from you. Its what they wanted to feed thier twisted souls; yours. I would love to give you the secret to getting past it, but there isn't one. You live day by day and make the decision to get your self back. You teach yourself to be safe, to trust YOURSELF first, others last. You funnel the rage into getting your life back.
All I can tell you is that you can do it. And there is life after hate. I still have a few things that sneak up on me every now and then, but for the most part, I dont think about it much at all. Not because of the pain or anything, I just have a life outside of all that now. Its a part of who I am, it made me part of who I am, but its not WHO I am. I am smarter because of it, I am stronger because of it, I am better because of it. And those people....well what goes around comes around. I worry about me and let fate worry about them. And I know that I am strong enough now that if they tried to take my power from me, they would have one hell of a fight.
I am not sure where to start but me being me will apologize if anything comes out too blunt. I can be rough around the edged and honest to a fault, but my heart is in the right place.
I posted this on another post. Rape is NOT about sex, it is about power. Its sick and twisted and horrible for those who live through it. Been there done that. The easiest and most normal way to deal with that is rage. I hated life, I hated myself, I haded the Divine/s, I hated my abusers, I hated just about everyone and everything. That rage eventually tore me apart and I tried to kill myself. that wasn't the only reason but it held a pretty big place in my soul for a long time.
They did not take you from you. You are still you, just with a few more scars. A few more bruises. But you are still you. DOn't let them take that from you. Its what they wanted to feed thier twisted souls; yours. I would love to give you the secret to getting past it, but there isn't one. You live day by day and make the decision to get your self back. You teach yourself to be safe, to trust YOURSELF first, others last. You funnel the rage into getting your life back.
All I can tell you is that you can do it. And there is life after hate. I still have a few things that sneak up on me every now and then, but for the most part, I dont think about it much at all. Not because of the pain or anything, I just have a life outside of all that now. Its a part of who I am, it made me part of who I am, but its not WHO I am. I am smarter because of it, I am stronger because of it, I am better because of it. And those people....well what goes around comes around. I worry about me and let fate worry about them. And I know that I am strong enough now that if they tried to take my power from me, they would have one hell of a fight.
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