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[font="Century Gothic"][/font][color="#2F4F4F"][/color]I think the time has come for me to try and tell my story... perhaps by writing it out i will be able to make some sense of who i am and why i keep finding myself in the same place time and time again...

I come from a typical suburban family from a deteriorating coal and steel town in WV. There i was raised in as a cradle catholic, attended catholic school from 1st grade on throughout my educational career. My mother is the daughter of a WWII veteran turn dairy farmer and oldest female of 7 children. My father is the son of WWII veteran of the south pacific front who came from a dairy farming family and went on to work for the state department of taxation. I know this all seems irrevelant but i have come to realize just how important a part a persons family tree plays in who they become. For my father's father and my father in turn, what you have in life, what you can make for yourself are extremely important and determine your worth and value. This has made a huge impact on my life andmy sense of self worth.

As a child i always felt inadequate as a person when surrounded by my father's family because i did not fit in their mold... i was not thin like my cousins, i was not smart or athletic like my brother. I didn't have the trophies or awards to show i was worth their love. But my mother's family, didn't care about all of that.. my mother's family accepted me well, mostly because i was like them. i fit in with them and could be myself.

At home in my immediate family it was very routine. Everything had its time and its place and we did not deviate from that routine very often. Except for one week every summer from the age of 7-10 i would get to spend an entire week at the farm. I loved getting to spend that time with my grandmother, aunts and uncles and cousins... my grandfather (from the eyes of a child was loving but harsh and stubborn so I shied from him because i was afraid to upset him)... in later years i learned just how harsh he was. but nonetheless i loved my time there. My grandmother would teach me to bake pies and make jam. my cousins and i would play in the fields and pick apples or play in the barn. until the summer i turned 10. I am going to jump ahead because the rest of this story stayed hidden from me for many years.

as puberty approached children became increasingly more cruel. i was the fat kid the target of much humilation and torture. yet i constantly tried to fit in. whatever they wanted me to do i did to gain their approval and acceptance yet it never came. i continued in my solitude into high school where i finally found a few taht would accept me as i was and there i found the life of alchohol and drugs. yet through it all the depression the hopelessness that i felt continued to build and everyday i felt less and less like a person; i felt like a shadow amongst a crowd. during my senior year at the catholic HS as a class we attended a teen retreat to "experience the love of god the father" to help us gain strength in our faith before heading off to college. to this day i remember the exact moment that i came to the realization that i had no place on this earth. there were college kids conducting the retreat and they were going on about what love and how if we wanted happiness in life all we had to do was ask god into our hearts and we would know a love like no other. that the despair and sense of being lost would go and we would be filled with a sense of purpose. i thought could it really be that way and so i took it to heart i told god i couldnt be who i was anymore and that i needed to know in a very tangible way taht he was there and cared about me just the way i was and if i didnt get that "sign" from him then there was nothing worth living anymore. that "sign" never came, i drove home from the retreat, went up stairs to my bedroom without speaking to anyone took out a bottle of muscle relaxors i had stolen from my mother and took the entire bottle. my mother found me lying on the bed incoherent and my father rushed me to emergency room. i spent the next 2 months in an adolescent psych hosiptal. all i wanted was out of there. i didnt belong in there i wasnt like the others so i did what the wanted i gave them the answers i knew they were looking for and i progressed through the program and was discharged. i learned then taht life was about wearing masks. be whatever it was that the present company wanted you to be and you'd be fine. i finished HS and went on to college like a good daughter.

the partying continued... it was the only place i could feel comfortable... my freshman year my roommate and i were drinking in our room and watching movies. it was a quiet night. there was a knock on the door and 2 of our friends were there. they wanted to know if they could "hang" they were nice guys, fun to hang around with. my roommate and one of the guys went out the store for more beer and Dre and i stayed behind talkin and smoking and watching movies. they were gone only a little while when it happened... it started off with him trying to kiss me. i had never been kissed before, i was really nervous and unsure of what was happening... then his hand was down my pants... i was really uncomfortable with what was happening i was scared... it almost was like it had happened before but i had never been with a guy before. he shoved me onto the bottom bunkbed and i couldnt breathe he was laying on top of me, his fingers inside me his tongue in my thoat he grabbed at my wrist and forced my hand into his pants. everything went black. when i woke up my shirt and panties were torn and bloodied. my breasts were bruised. i wrapped up in my robe and went to the showers and stayed there for hours... i never told anyone what had happened. soon after i started to have nightmares about being trapped under beds. about the pain searing between my legs... i was embarrassed and ashamed and couldnt tell anyone because i didnt know what had happened or what was happening to me.

i tried to push it down to forget it happened but it ate at me killing me slowly. i put on more masks, hid harder from people, was whatever they wanted me to be. i went on to finish college, i joined a mission group thinking maybe i could find myself in god after all. it worked for a while but only a while. i came home from missions to be a part of my brothers wedding. i was only going to be home for 6 months. my escort in the bridal party was my cousin... when he took my arm to walk down the aisle a flood of sensory memories came flooding in. i couldnt breath i couuld feel the searing pain when we had to dance at the reception and he pressed close to me the vivid memories came like a tidal wave. i almost passed out... everyone thought i had just had too much to drink... but all the sudden i was 9yrs old again.

it was 3 weeks til my tenth birthday. we were playing hide and seek, i was wearing a lime green terry cloth halter and shorts set. i ran down the stairs to the bedroom off the recroom and slid in underneath the bed. it was a great spot... a couple seconds later he slid under the bed too. it was cramped and he was lying right next to me. he said he wanted to give me an early birthday present. a second later his hand was up the back of my shorts. he was rubbing my buttocks. i could feel his breath on my neck... i was paralyzed... "do you like that?" u do don't you... his hand slid around the front... "ssshhhh".... enjoy it"... "i cant believe ur letting me do this... no one will ever touch u like this again cuz u let me do it... ur dirty.... little slut...no one will believe u...you'll get in trouble for being dirty"....

i ran to the bathroom at the reception hall i couldn't breathe i sat on the floor and cried. no one noticed i was gone... i tried to clean myself up and was there to wave off my brother on his honeymoon. the next morning i got on a plane and headed back to my mission group... the people there realized i was very different and tried to help but i couldn't let them in. i started cutting my arms i started experiencing gaps in time by the end of the year i was nothing more than a walking corpse.

i came home and moved from place to place running from the past but could never get away i slipped into a deep hole and could not get myself out. i didnt know how to cope and i didnt want to live anymore... i couldnt sleep i couldnt eat i was sick all the time. i tried once again to take my life but was unsuccessful yet again. it was then that a PDoc said taht i was bipolar ... i started seeing a Therapist and slowly starting admit to bits and pieces of my life. after 3 months the therapist said to me one day that he didnt feel like he could help me anymore that i needed to just move on with my life and stop focusing on the past.

i did what i needed to survive... i cut or burned when i needed to be numb sought out risky situations when i needed to feel alive. within a yr i was back at the risky behaviour... flirting in bars, i met someone that i thought really cared about me.. at least in the beginning... he didnt care where i come from what had happened... just that i was with him... had to be with him all the time.. he would get jealous and possessive if he didnt know where i was all the time... he would want me all the time... sometimes it would hurt so much... everytime would be more and more violent. eventually he tired of it and i was able to get free...

a year later i met my husband. i met him in a chat room he said i was the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen... (NO ONE had ever said that before) that he wanted to know me more... wanted to take care of me wanted to be my prince, my knight in shining armor... or so i thought... he encouraged me to heal, loved me through the bad times, and i grew as a person... but the stronger i got, then more strained our relationship has gotten. he has never hit me, yet i am terrified of him. he says things that hurt so much and follows them wiht i love u and dont want to loose you.. i know in my head i dont deserve to be treated the way he treats me but i am afraid of what i will be without him...

im sorry this is so long, ...this is my story... the truth of who i am...

bryn,
I am so sorry for what you went through. I am glad that you were able to post it here. You have great courage. I am proud of you because I know that was not easy for you.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

((((((((Bryn))))))))

Thanks for trusting us with your story. You have been through a lot... but you made it through. Keep reminding yourself of that - you are a STRONG woman!!!!!

Blessings,
Jen

(((((Bryn))))))

Thanks for sharing....you are very strong.....and getting stronger

I'm sorry about the troubles with your husband. It's not unusual that as one partner gets stronger, healthier, (you) the other can't handle it. NO ONE should ever live in fear though. If you are afraid if him it's a serious problem, and can escalate.

Please talk to your T or to a women's crisis center or abuse center about what's going on with your husband. They can help you sort out if he is showing characteristics of an abusive man. Maybe couples counseling if you want to work on things, or maybe, sadly, it's time to move on. And, yes, I'm a cradle to grave Catholic myself....but I have no problems telling you that a marriage based on fear is not a legitimate marriage and not one that God expects a person to stay in.

You've overcome a lot in your life...congratulations...you can do ANYTHING!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bryn)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
That must have been hard to write. Thank you for trusting us enough to share it wth us.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bryn)))))))))))))))))))))))

Its takes a lot of guts to share what you did. Thanks for letting us have a glimpse into your life and trusting us enough to share it.

You are a brave woman and I know the only direction you willgo from here is up.

(((((((((((((Bryn)))))))))))))))))) Im so sorry for all you have been through. I hope u can move on now and have a happy life

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((bry))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I do apologize for taking so long to write this. I wanted to be able to have the time to read it without getting interrupted by anyone at work or at home. It's not the kind of post that you just want to whip through. First of all, you took a big leap of faith by posting what you did and I'm proud of you for that. I know you're having a tough time right now, very tough, but like we've talked about, you will get through all of this. Please know that all I have to say here are my own thoughts and opinions and none of it is intended to sound harsh. But when you post a thread like this one, I think it should have a detailed response, not just to let you know I read it, but to know I'm trying to understand you.

Remember that I am going into this with an open mind.....



This alone confused me some. I guess what I am getting at is sure we have role models, but when it comes down to it, you are the one that strives to achieve that self esteem and the feeling of self worth. I don't think you should try to achieve those things for anyone but you. And to be quite frank, we have all of that already planted within ourselves, it just takes work to find it sometimes. And perhaps too, it does take that certain someone to be a "mentor" or model for you to try and reach that goal of feeling good about yourself and understanding that you are worth it. But all in all, it is you and only you who will become what and who you wish to be. We are unique individuals. There is only one Bryn and only one Aisha -- and although we have much in common, we are both very different. Does that change our self worth? No. You are who you are, and whether others accept that or not is of no consequence.



I suppose this type of mentality goes deep down inside. Going along with your feelings of self worth and self esteem, to please your father. And I'm not saying you are wrong in anything I pick out here, you were young. Being so young, that's the way our minds do think. Now things are different. Your mother accepted you for who you were. I think in most cases, it is our mother who understands us the most. But no where in life should you have to prove your love for someone, especially by achieving material items, such as the trophies and awards. They are just that . . . Material. So if you won a trophy and lost it, does that change the way he would think about you, or if you didn't display it, would it hurt his feelings. It shouldn't. Truth being, your parents should love you for who you are, and not for what you can or cannot accomplish.



Here is part of a key to what depression does. It makes us disappear. It makes us feel like we don't belong. No self-esteem, no self worth. I think we have all felt that in one way or another. Some more than others. It happens unfortunately. The sad part is sometimes we do feel we have no control over it. That is when meds and therapy or self help comes into the picture. Your depression started early. Mine started more in high school. We had school counselors. I also was brought up Catholic and went through grammer school and high school in a private school. Pretty much everyone knew everyone. There were the cliques and the groups of people where you feel you just don't belong. And pretending to be something you are not, doesn’t really do much good when you are depressed. I think in the long run it only makes you feel worse.



It's funny you mentioned a retreat. We too had our Senior Retreat -- called "Kairos" It was a week long retreat that we went up to some hideaway up in the hills where everything was so peaceful and the talks and sessions we had were just so heartfelt from those who spoke. I remember many tears during this time. And I wasn't the only one. That is where I saw just how depression took its place with everyone. I know the most common thing is "give me a sign." But sometimes they are signs we cannot see. Sometimes it's later down the line when we find out…."hey… now I know why this or that happened." That is when you tend to grow more as a person. Still though, being so young, we hope for something that is almost impossible. A "sign." Why? Because we are told God can do anything and if he can show us a sign, we will know everything will be okay. Have you ever read the "Footprints" poem? I don't know if it's really a poem, but it talks about this person going through such hard times and he questioned God saying all through his life he saw two sets of footprints, but through the roughest parts of his life, he saw only one. God's answer was those were the times I carried you.



I can only imagine what you had been going through by now. A two month stay is a long time. But the truth is, did it make you better? Perhaps not. But did it make you better being out when you weren't well yet? Probably not. I know when things are happening to the person, we don't see things like outside folks can. And even then, sometimes outside folks can't see it either. I guess this is really the time you want to be asking yourself, what is best for me? You wanting to push things aside to forget what happened is only natural. We've all done it. Denial. Sometimes masks seem to be the best way to deal with life. But things that you hide away will always come back to haunt you, be it a trigger, a smell, a glance, a taste, a noise, a word. The more we open up, the more we admit something happened, the more able you will become to accept it and do something about it. Masks are no different than facades -- "false fronts." They look great on the outside, but the inside is empty, cold and lonely.



Please know which I'm sure you do, that triggers are triggers. The hardest part is dealing with the triggers, because as you said. You freeze. You are back in time of when things happened. I have so many friends that go through the same thing. 'Friends who have been abused or molested as a child. Even now, while they are older, they still have those night terrors and triggers that make them freeze and feel helpless because at that very moment, they are that child. They are scared and alone and feel as they have no where to run or no where to hide. You will get that time and time again. Even writing about it, can bring out that fear. I know when I write a post, or journal, or a reply, I end up triggering myself. I'm back in the moment. Back in time when I was hurting. But even though it hurts, I continue to write, continue to journal when I can, and reply when I can. It might be something helpful to you. It may not seem like it now, but it will benefit you in the long run.



Ummmmm, time to get a new therapist. I can understand if a therapist tells you they cannot help you and refer you to someone that deals with cases more often like yours, but telling you to just move on with your life and stop focusing on the past is just plain crap. You should have reported that idiot and filed a complaint. I had a therapist who told me they didn't know enough about my son's condition and he needed to see a psychiatrist or psychologist who deals more with his disorder and I admire that. Knowing to tell you when they can't help you anymore because it has gone past their expertise. But what he said….ughhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!



You were right to the fact you got into a risky relationship. Most abusers are exactly how you just mentioned. I am glad you got out of that relationship. It is something you need to use to learn from. Something to realize how much you don't need that in your life.



You and I have gone into detail about your husband. I am glad you have confided in me the times you have. This part of your story I connect with the most. You mention he has never hit you, yet you are terrified. There is always a first. To live in a relationship that you are terrified of is something you really need to think deeply on. You said it yourself Bryn, you KNOW in your head you don't deserve to be treated that way. The fact that he tells you he loves you after he treats you like crap has no bearing on anything. The point is, he said what he said, he degrades you and puts you down. He makes you feel afraid. He makes you feel like you are nothing. And now, he is making you feel guilty because you have told him enough! Now he is saying he's sorry and he is trying to turn himself into the victim. As some would say, it is so "textbook." I went through the same kind of garbage and I can relate so much to what is going on with you now. The sad truth though is that I or anyone else here can't tell you what to do. We can give our opinion, but until you are ready to leave, no one can stop you from staying. I knew so many times I wanted out. But I was afraid. I was scared of being alone. I had the children. I had to stay married for the children. But do you really want your son to grow up seeing how his daddy treats you? That alone will be the onset of his learning that the way his daddy treats you is the way he needs to treat the women in his life. That is something I was told a long time ago. My older son is much like his father. He was old enough to see and understand things a little more than my younger son. When you make decisions in your life, try looking at it through your son's eyes and what is really better for him.

I'm sorry I got carried away here. But to me this is something that is such an important matter. You are handling it well just by posting. No one here is going to come down on you for staying or leaving your marriage. No matter what you decide, I will be here to support your choice. It is all about you Bryn. And if now is not the time for you, then so be it. Just please stay safe. Know you are cared about, and know you have someone's shoulder to lean on when you need it.

You deserve respect and you deserve to feel good about yourself. Hang in there sweetie,



Aisha

Thank you so much everyone for you're words of encouragement. Know that i am taking it all to heart and am glad i took the step post my story. I still have made a decision on what to do about my marriage and I appreciate the reassurance Aisha that no matter what I decide i can trust in the knowledge that i'll still have friends here that will support and encourage me.
thank u everyone

It took me a few days to get to this because I wanted time to read it all.
I am also a "survivor" of sexual abuse. I don't like that term but its generally accepted so I will in this case. I know what its like to feel like nothing, because nothing is what they treated you like. To feel weak because that was what they made you feel. To be trapped in your own head because there is just no where else to go.
Rape and sexual abuse are not about sex, they are about about power. Its the oldest most primitive and most twisted way to get it. But people still do it and always will I am afraid. THEY DID NOT TAKE YOU FROM YOU!! You have to remember this. You have to repeat this to yourself every second of every day until you believe it. They might have taken a lot of things from you, but they didn't take you. You are still there. You are alive. Even if you wish you weren't sometimes you have made it through this by just living. And every day that you live through it you are living past it, even if you don't feel like it. They will keep taking from you what you let them, don't let them take anymore. Not all of it is that easy, thing will sneak up on you, but its a start.
Faith is a tought thing, no matter what Divine you believe in. It is tempting to ask for a sign, to want something tangible and visible to prove that you are worth something. But like someone said, sometimes the sign was there all a long and it just takes time to see it. Faith is believing in what you can't see. And there is a peace in that. But once again, I have been where you are. I felt forsaken just as you did. I suppose now, looking back, it wasn't the divine that had forsaken me, I had forsaken myself.
I am glad you felt you could post this with us. That took a lot of courage.
Blessed Be
BA