Ok... I'm 24. Twenty fuckin four years old. Most of the people I started college with are graduated. My best friend is out of grad school and looking at a master's degree. I'm still an undergraduate. Why? I keep asking myself that same exact question. As far back as I can remember... I've gone through life starting things and not being able to finish them. For one reason or another. I would get angry, frustrated, depressed, feeling like I wasn't going to accomplish my goal. This continues. I go to college determined that I will finally finish something... make something of myself. Everyone had high hopes for me. I had more than enough money to finish college, grad school, and pursue a PHD if I wanted. The world was my oyster.
My mom and dad seperated when I was younger, leaving me to look after my little sister. I get to college thinking that my mom and dad are back together and on the day of my 18th birthday, I get a call from my sister saying they're getting a divorce. I fall into a huge depression. My grades are suffering and I develop an addiction to certain drugs. I'm a Christian, but my faith was gone. I didn't pray. I didn't think about God. I was snapping at my friends, my professors. I blew up at my advisor and he sent me to student counseling, which I completely took as a fucking joke. My church... the place I had grown up in, my main social setting throughout highschool had completely abandoned me. Outta sight, outta mind kind of thing. It was then that I started cutting myself. The pain felt good. I don't know how or why exactly. I've read a couple of explanations on it and maybe they're true... but I kept all my feelings bottled up inside. I figured... hey... my parents were getting divorced... I have no friends here... I can't make up my mind about what I wanna do with my life. I'd already switched majors a couple of times. Still... my life isn't nearly as bad as some peoples'. I couldn't figure out why I was feeling this way. Sometimes I was so depressed I couldn't move, and other times I was completely ok... better than ok. I was high on life. Then other times I was moody and paranoid and just plain mean. I couldn't concentrate on my homework or study, I was ignoring my family and I stopped going to group things. I didn't know what was happening to me.
Then there was my salvation... that one ray of light. Her name was Beth. Redheaded, smart, porceline skin... and an unbeleivable smart-ass. I fell in love immediately. She was a year older than me and we met in a history class and we hit it off briliantly. She had a batman comic book and we immediately clicked, argueing over who the best batman villan was (Scarecrow all the way). Anyway... she was a former heroin addict and could tell that I had a little problem of my own. To make a long story short, we had a thing... a really great thing. She was even helping me try to break free of my addictions including the cutting. We were nearly inseprable and I kept our relationship quiet because she wasn't a Christian and I didn't want my family to know about it. One evening though, I was in a horrible state of depression and had just had a fight with my mom on the phone. She was trying to comfort me and I wouldn't have any of it. All I could think about is how I wanted to be left alone. She kept bothering me to open up to her and tell her what was going on. I shouted at her to just leave, so she did. Before she did though, she told me that she loved me. I didn't say anything in response. That was the last time I ever saw her again. She got into a car wreck on the way back to her dorm room and died. That was 5 years ago and I still blame myself for it. She didn't deserve to be treated like that. I was so wrapped up in myself that I pushed her away and right into a wreck that cost her life.
I slipped into major depression after that. Tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions. Had the barrel of a gun in my mouth so many times... but I couldn't bring myself to pull the trigger. not because I didn't want to die. I just didn't have the fucking guts to put that bullet in my brain.
blah blah blah... 5 years later and I'm still in college, on my 6th major of choice, and I still have no fucking clue what I want to do. My passion is writing, but to be honest... I'm not sure I have it in me to write. I love it, but I've dropped so many things in my life. I don't know if I have the energy to do it.
All this time... I kept my mouth shut. The divorce, my family, my lack of direction, the mood swings, the paranoia and the hallucinations, Beth... all of it. I didn't tell anyone. I was of the mindset that you deal with your own shit. But I finally have to admit... something is wrong in my head. I have so many hopes and dreams... I have such a creative mind... something HAD to be wrong up there. But I was afraid to find out.
I mean... how do you fight something that's in your head!?
So, I went to the doctor. I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder and the years of suppressing and ignoring it have caused me to develop mild schizophrenia and psychotic episodes (the doctor's words... not mine). So I'm currently trying to take meds and go to therapy.
Now... here comes the rant. I don't rant. What I'm saying I've only said maybe once ever. I don't even like to think this way... but I need to put it out there.
It's not fair. It's not fair that this is happening. I want to be able to think clearly. I want to be able to trust myself. It's not fair that I just keep this pinned up for years without telling anyone, and when it finally comes out, I get accused of using bipolar as an 'excuse' for my bad attitude. I've helped so many people in the past. Been there for so many people financially, physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and every other way... and now that this is happening... almost no one is around. I feel like I'm fucking alone.
And you wanna know something? I wonder if I should be alone. I want to be able to hold someone's hand and walk through a park with them. I want to do fun things, romantic things. But there are so many times that when the opportunities arise, I don't want to, or don't feel like it. I get paranoid that I'm being used for my money, or that I'm just someone being used until something better comes along. Hell... a lot of times, I just get in that state where I wanna be left alone. And it's NOT FUCKING FAIR!!! I don't want to be alone, but I almost feel like that's the best way to be alone.
I started to take up some of those old drugs again after Beth died, but I wanted some part of what she did in my life to remain, so I haven't touched any of that stuff since.
My brain is all over the place right now. I fucking hate this. I can't even organize my thoughts to put them in a clear rant and I just want to throw my laptop across the room. Like I said, I'm a Christain, and I've spent a lot of time in prayer and reading the bible. But to be completely honest. There are times where I just want to throw that book across the room and curse God with everything in me. I feel like I have nothing. I'm currently not in school, though I want to go back. I'm out of meds, but trying to resolve that problem, and am trying to get my shit together to leave the country. I'm hoping the answer can be found with the girl I think I'm meant to be with. She says she'll be with me no matter what, and I want to beleive her... but I get so scared of being with her. What if she can't take it? I don't think I can have something so beautiful and just lose it... not again. What if I can't take it... that would be the only thing worse... me hurting her... and I don't trust myself.
I feel like a fucking pussy for writing this. like a little kid crying that life isn't fair. Life ISN'T fair! Get over it, dipshit!
I scream that at myself constantly. Whoever reads this... you might think I'm being a whiny little bitch. I don't blame you. I think I am, but I just needed to say that. Tomorrow, I'll just go back to stonewalling everything, but tonight, I think I'll let myself cry like a little kid.
I'm just so tired of it all. The agitation and the paranoia. the depression and mood swings and insecurity. I don't want it anymore and I'm almost to the point of giving up.