I know that bullying between siblings is a normal thing. Many end up closer when they get older and more of a rival relationship when they are younger. I do understand that. What’s bothering me, is my mom overheard my older son tell my younger one, that “if you don’t do what I say, I’m gonna hurt you!” Before my mom got a chance to call him on it, my little one told her what he said, and my older one said “Yah, and I will too!” Of course my mother told him she never wanted to hear that kind of talk again and why it was so wrong. He’s been doing really well lately and maybe since this is his third week off school from being sick, everything is starting to get to him.

The other day I heard him talking to his father on the phone. I heard him say, “it’s because you and mom fought all the time!” “You always say mom talks yucky.” He also brought up the time when his father threw a glass of water at me. A glass of water that he brought to his dad. My ex threw it at me, right in front of him. I was told my son is bipolar, has ADHD, Depression, and apparently PTSD. He remembers what he saw. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard him bring up that damn glass of water.

On another occasion, I was told that Daddy said I was the one that signed the papers to divorce him. Why in the hell would he do something like that. I believe when things go sour in a marriage, you never dog the other in front of your children. I never have. I’ve told my children, that we fought way too much. And put it in a way that you can’t really place blame anywhere except on BOTH of us. After everything my ex has done, I still do not bad mouth him in front of the children. The fact that my son threatens to physically hurt his brother bugs the shit out of me. Would he? He saw things when we were married. Does he believe it’s okay? I don’t know. How far would he go? I know I’ve seen him intentionally trip my younger one. But “I am going to hurt you,” while in a rage makes you kind of wonder. Well they were separated at that point and an apology came afterwards. But still???? He’s changed so much in three years. The violence he used to demonstrate is almost nil. He’s gone from broken beds, kicking and hitting, and receiving bruises…. To shouting, threats and shut downs. When we first separated, he ran away twice. He was found the second time on a freeway running to find his dad. Thank God a driver called 911 and the police picked him up. There has been no more of that since. He has changed. But will what he saw make him grow up believing he can treat women or anyone else badly?

The other night he was angry while he was talking to his father. He said he couldn’t wait to get out of here, so he could have his own family. He’s been talking a lot about me having another baby (NOT), and how I’m supposed to have three children due to what the markings on my hand say. I think his outlook of his future with Troy and us together is looking more appealing to him. But that still doesn’t answer my question.

I mean what are the statistics that the children of abusers, turn out to be abusers themselves because that is what they know. The possibility is there. I can only hope with the right atmosphere, he will continue to change for the better. He still sees his Psychiatrist every other week and his school Psychologist once a week, so he is getting “help.” At least as much as he lets them help him.

I just worry. Abuse is something I know oh so well. And to be very honest, I am afraid of what I will see when he’s 16 or so. I can’t control him sometimes as it is. But when he is older and bigger and stronger, with his rages of anger – will he still be only threatening, or will he carry his threats out…. Or maybe, just maybe, those rages won’t exist anymore by then. I guess only time will tell.

(((((Aisha)))))

I'm sure it's true......people who have been abused often become abusive, children who witness abuse (which of course makes them abused too) are likely to abuse. Likely does not mean absolutely will

But......and this is the key.....the cycle can be broken. It's not the example his Dad set, it's his response to it in lhis own life. And you are breaking the cycle....by your example and Troy's but most importantly by the professional help and evaluation he is getting. that's the most important thing you can do for him....and you are doing it and doing it well!

Siblings fight....but knowing his past your fear is real. You could discuss this with his psychiatrist...but maybe just keeping an eye on things is enought for now.

You're breaking the cycle (((((AishA)))))) GOOD FOR YOU!

((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))

Beagle beat me to the punch and pretty much summed up what I was thinking when I read your post.

You are such a concerned Mom. You want what's best for your kids and you work your hardest to make it happen. Your son has shown drastic improvement in the past three years - that is HUGE! He was using actions/violence to communicate how he was feeling. Now he's using his words and that's key! You don't like the words - they are scary, for sure. But it IS progress. As you know all too well, this is a process, a slow one... but he is working through it.

Going from actions to words seems to me to be the biggest step. Now it's helping him (and the professionals helping him) learn to use the right words to let others know when he's feeling angry or upset or however he's feeling. Threatening and shouting aren't fun...and eventually will not be acceptable. But he's travelling down a path of healing now and he's taking steps every day.

I can imagine the fear you have - the fear that he may act out on his threats. He does have that violent history, so your fear is rational. But he does have the support of you, the professionals, and the medications. This combination will be vital in his recovery, his return to health.

Like the pup said, because he saw your ex abuse you doesn't automatically mean he will be an abuser. I think all the work you are doing with him now - teaching him that words to communicate feelings is better and works better than using violence - will have a huge payoff in the long run. That combined with the healthy relationship you and Troy will model to him will be invaluable. You are working to save his life right now, Aisha and you are doing a great job! His future wife (if that is what his future holds) may never know how much you've done for her

(((((((((((Aisha)))))))))))) Keep strong in your fight, but keep venting here...we are here for you and we care about you!!

Blessings,
Jen

((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))))) the others have it well covered but i want you to know i am thinking of you hun

((((((((((((((((((Aisha)))))))))))))))))
I worry about that cycle too. I hope my daughter doesn't fall into it. However, I think I am setting a good (or at least a better) example because I left my ex, and I am a single mom who doesn't take crap off anyone anymore lol. That's what you are doing too. You broke the cycle, and are moving on with your life. You are not letting it destroy you. You are a lot stronger then you think hun.

Your son sounds like he has come a long way. Remember too, kids often lash out in anger or frustration. Just because he does it now does not mean he won't learn a better way to handle those emotions.