Interesting idea for a forum. What have I always wanted to say. Could be negative or positive. Both. Start with the positive may be easier. Thank you Laura. You talked to the crazy boy in the back of the store. I guess it takes one to know one. Sorry, I couldn't support you better. I've always longed to thank you, but don't have the guts to look you up and do it. I figure you probably long ago forgot about me, but in a very dark period of my life you were the only one that saw me. And yes, I was quite crazy, but you were the only one who knew what was going on in my head and wanted to help even though you had your own problems. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't met you. As it was I still tried to end it, but atleast afterwards I gave in and knew I needed help like you kept telling me. Everytime I hear "So Alive" I think of you.
Who else to thank. Not a whole lot of people. There were 3 nice ladies at the last hospital I was at. They weren't condescending like everybody else. They tried to help, didn't take things personal, and could laugh along with me at my warped view of the world.
Thank you Teej for your inspirational story on the old About site, and for all time you have given to that site and this. While I'm mainly a lurker, the site has helped me on some rough nites knowing that there are others out there in the world.
The negative I guess there would be plenty. There is a very dark corner in me that wishes I could hunt down the kids who tormented me when I was younger and do something to hurt them or destroy there lives. Yeah, I'm the sicko that sees a school shooting on TV and I know it's sad and terrible, but there's part of me that knows how the shooter felt. And no, I don't think about this often, I've moved on, but when I'm introspective and wonder why I ended up the way I am, I know that part of it falls on the environment that I grew up in.
Which of course brings me to family. I love my family. But...
And this is the hard thing how can you love people, but also have negative thoughts too. I know I am the freak in the family. The one every one thinks is odd, and watch what you say around him, and all that. The blacksheep suicidal, drug addict, nut, loser. Yeah, I know what you think of me. And nobody has ever stopped to think that I haven't enjoyed any of this. I know I have earned my role as blacksheep. But not one of you has ever had the slightest bit of empathy for me or what I go through. I just want attention, I'm just acting stupid, there's no reason for me to act like that. Well, there is a reason and you try to live with what goes on in my head and see how long you would've survived or how you would've ended up. I won't apologize to anyone. I've done the best I can, so fuck you if you can't accept that.
And for my parents where were you? I don't blame you for my problems. I believe I was born defective. But maybe if I'd been born in a supportive environment, perhaps I'd turned out better. But instead I get a dad who doesn't want to be a dad and doesn't want to be around his family. Parents who just want the kids to be quiet and behave. I used to lay for hours with headphones on and a pillow over my head to not hear you fighting and i wanted to just disappear.I wanted to be numb. This was my goal in life. I've tried hard to achieve it.