It's 10:00 a.m., and I haven't taken my meds yet -- I will shortly, I need them. I've been taking too much klonopin, these days. Partly holiday related, partly life related. Yesterday I just wanted to numb myself. Forget about the fucking world. Trigger after trigger after trigger. I haven't taken 10 mgs of klonopin in a long time. I did yesterday. Truth is I want to take more today. I know it will make me tired and I'm at work, so I don't know what I'm going to do. I just feel alone and not really scared, but depressed and disappointed and I'm feeling like a failure. I know you will tell me and maybe I even know it too, that I'm not a failure, but it doesn't take that feeling away. I was on edge all day yesterday. Talking to him so many times. Hearing those women at CCD -- about divorce and abused women and children, what they said was true. So true. It left me wishing that I didn't even go. It got off topic which is why that happened. It wasn't expected and the fact that he called during that conversation was eery. It just threw off my whole day. He must have called at least 5 or 6 times that day and the last one ended in sort of an argument if you want to call it that. I was angry. Telling him that the conversation was over. "Get the kids out of the room, I want to talk to you!" No, no, noooo. "Are you listening to yourself, why are you talking to me this way?" "What the hell Wen" After all this time, it still bothers me. Still gets to me. Still fucks me up. Did it fuck me up this much while I was married. Probably, but I had it in me to "deal" with it and just believe I deserved it. Sometimes I knew I didn't. But it didn't matter. What he says goes. That's the way it was and sometimes, it's the way he still thinks it should be. He wanted me to go shopping with him last week. I said no. He's calling so much lately. It's because he IS alone. He sounds needy and depressed all the time, but yesterday it was more demanding. Something I don't need to hear. I hate that it still gets to me still after three years. Ironic how sometimes I could miss him to where it hurts and a day later I can hate him until it hurts too. My head is screwing with me and making me second guess everything. The saddest part is that its making me hate myself just like I used to. I know the best thing to do is shut off the phone but sometimes he calls for the kids. I suppose I should just let them answer the phone. But most times he calls my cell It's almost like I'm looking for trouble. I know better. I just am not following through with what I know is right for me. Control. It's all about fucking control. And I always lose where that's concern. Even with my son. Where is my control. But that's a whole different story.

(((((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))))) hang on there honey and be careful not to take to many of the meds if your not meant to. Maybe talk to your gp?

(((((((((((Aisha)))))))))) I agree with Sami about the meds, of course. But, I also wanted to mention about when he calls that you don't have to pick up your cell. Does your cell have caller ID? I think most cell phones do...so just don't pick it up, especially when you're having a rough time, like now. You don't need him to be screwing with your mind ever, but when you're struggling it has to be worse!

That lonely feeling you have right now, I think so many of us can relate to it. Not to say that we understand exactly what you're going through, but the basic feeling of being alone and in the world without a soul...I think that's something we can relate to...I know I can. It's okay to feel scared, too - I think that goes with being alone. I think there is some comfort in feeling like you have ppl in your life who care. Well, remember that we DO care about you, and while that's not the same as friends who can give you real hugs, we do the best we can and we are always here for you.

Keep writing here and going to chat, if you'd like. And PM anyone you trust...me, if you want (!) if you need a one-on-one. There's always someone who can be with you. Keep reminding yourself that there is a whole community of ppl here who care about you, ok?

Blessings,
Jen

I know how you feel Aisha. I get those same feelings when i have to deal with mine too, which is far too often. For some reason the control is still there, even though i don't want it to be. Don't let him cause you to feel bad about yourself. You are a great person and strong. Take control over the situation. He can make arrangements to talk with the kids without you having to be in the center of it. I know, easy to say, hard to do. I am thinking about you hun. Take care.