Ok so my husband made a smart ass comment and got me all analytical about my bipolar. He says use my bipolar for everything. Do I? I can honestly say no. Now I do bring it up alot. Why? Well that is good question! Let me tell you...

My whole I life I was the weird one. I was the one that people rolled thier eyes and said "Oh that is just Jill. She is like that." Do you have any idea how much I hated that? How much I hated being weird, being out of control, crying all the time. You want an example? Once in high school I freaked out and demanded to be let into the chapel next door. Right then. And I sat there crying on the front pew. Memories like that mak me a little mad. I mean could no one tell I was CRAZY? Then again I guess they did. But what do you do with an over emotional suicidal freaked out teenager? Tell her its a phase that is what they do. You will be okay, you will outgrow it, it just takes some growing up. And I suppose for a lot of people that is true. Except for me it really wasn't. It just got worse. And being trapped in your head is no picnic people. Manic one day, crashing the next and having no idea why. You try SO hard to be "normal" and for some reasoon you just can't get seem to get a grip on yourself! You can't focus. It was so easy to wait tables and just party my ass off. No one could tell I was crazy there LOL Manic? Can't sleep? No problem, hit an all night bar! Easy solution right? Ahahaha no. Worst thing ever for a bipolar. Looking back I did some dumb ass shit. I just didn't care. And of course this is all topped by my show stopper performance. I finally did it, I tried to kill myself. So now you are thinking Ok Jill that doesn't explain why you bring it up to people.

Because it feels SO good to have a reason for being the weird chick, the crazy girl, "just Jill". I joke about it, laugh about it "Don't worry I took my meds. You are good" with a big fat smile on my face. But then days like today, I hate it. I hate being crazy. I hate being weird, I hate having to take a fucking pill everyday to be under control, to not freak out over the carppet not being perfect (OCD) to sleep like a normal person (BP) I have so many damn letter attached to my name that I feel like the alphabet. You think I want attention for that? Ha! And they call ME crazy. That isn't it, I suppose I just feel like I have to explain myself. Like "Ok just in case I do something REALLY REALLY stupid like I did for YEARS this is why? Ok? Thanks?" and sit there and expect the run screaming into the sunset, because let face it, the word Bipolar is pretty scary to a lot of people, thank you Hollywood for making yet ANOTHER aspect of my life a living hell. You have no idea how many times while I was pregnant I heard the phrase, "Oh my God, you are preg and off your meds? I saw this movie...." I know the movie I have seen it. Yeah there are some people that are that bad, no I am not one of them. I am high functioing meaning I can be off meds...I am just not pleasant to be around and little self destructive. Ok a lot self destructive. But still, not hearing voiced and burning down houses thanks! But I do take my meds and I am pretty normal now, even moods, I can focus, I do't go into rages and have the overwhelming urge to break my windows out with a baseball bat....well not too often I DO have three kids. I suppose....I just want people to get it. To accept me for what I am, no surprises. Just get it all out in the open before I have a chance to think you are my friend, just to find out your can't handle the darker side of me. I hate rejection, just had it to much in my life. I can handle loosing someone I don't know, I hate loosing someone I do. And with my mania and in my life, that was a lot of people. I am a hard person to understand, and a lot of people just couldn't. I don't blame them, I am not angry. I threw a lot at them, and that is a lot of responsibily that isn't fair to give a person. I was always in one scrape or another, disappearing for days, staying awake for days, screwing up school umpteen million times because my manis alway loved to hit between the midterms and finals. And thinking WHY can't I control this? Am I weak? What the fuck is my problem. So guess what world????? Bipolar is my problem, obessive compulsive disorder is whats wrong with me. Yes I am open about it because I don't want to loose people and also so that if I meet someone who has this they don't feels as alone as I did, as sometimes I do. And believe it or not I have met ALOT of people who have something or another and are relived to the point of tears that they met me for no other reason then they aren't alone anymore and that I am so willing to talk to them, to help them find help, to give them hope that "Hey she is ok. Maybe I can be too!". So before anyone judges me and thinks I do this for "attention" or to be "special" know I wouldn't wish being like this on anyone in the world, no even that bitch who slept with my boyfriend and pretended to my friend...actually there where two of those in my life now that I think about but I mean the last one. And I really really hate her. Nope not why I do it. I do it to protect myself. And to help people. So take me as I am world! Or just kiss my ass because either way, I am ok with it.

Hear Hear!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((BA)))))))))))))))))))
Amen sista. You wrote what I feel a lot.

((((((BA))))) couldnt have said a single word better

xxx Lisa xxx

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BlueAngel -

Way to go!!!!! It will be nice when some day no one has to hide the fact that they suffer from a mental illness!!.

kika