Today marks 3 years since I walked out the door of my marriage. I know it shouldn't bother me, but it does. Inside, I really do miss him and honestly, I do still love him. But I know in my heart and my mind that I could never go back. To me, there was too much damage done and even though I know he will never lay a hand on me again, I know the arguments will still be there because occassionally, they are still there when we talk in person or on the phone. He is needy, but I guess that is the way he is. He wanted me to carry his check books, why? Because he doesn't know how to fill them out. And he wants to make it easier for him to be able to give me money. I kept a tally and so far, I believe he's given me $1,600. A far cry from $10,000. I am scared. I am scared to change my life so drastically in June. I am scared to move 3000 miles away from my family and from him, still feeling the guilt of taking his children away. I am scared that my children won't understand and will ask me every weekend or everyday maybe, when are we gonna see daddy? What do I say? I don't know? I told them during holiday breaks -- or summertime, but whose to say I'll be able to take that time off and be able to fly them home. My son told me mom, its too expensive and too much money to fly them back to California. I told him it was my choice to make and I won't keep them from their father. They are scared to leave. I know they are. Sometimes they look excited, sometimes they look like they want to cry. At least my older one does. My little one doesn't say much about it. I'm not sure he really understands. I feel selfish. I feel guilty. I feel scared. I feel alone in this. I know there is a future in front of me. A future I truly want. And I feel selfish because I'm leaving everyone without a choice. I know I asked their father to think of moving. He's always wanted to live on the East Coast anyway. Whether or not he will is up to him. But that's a lot to ask someone to move 3000 miles away. In many respects, I think they'll be better off without him. But they adore him. I still wonder how much they remember about how things were when me and their dad were married. Do they remember what he did to me, even though they were in the other room? Will they remember when they saw anything? Will they remember all the yelling and name calling that went on? Will they remember me sitting in the kitchen on the floor in the corner crying? The used to sit and wipe my tears and then after they still would, but they would say, what did you do this time mommy? Will my son remember when he brought his dad a glass of water during an argument with me and he was still standing by us and his dad threw the glass and the water at me and my son blamed himself? What will they remember and how much?

My life is going to change. In one aspect, the time is going by so fast when I look back at what has passed already. In another aspect, time is going by so slow. As if June will never get here. I question myself constantly, is this what I want. I always hesitate and sometimes I feel like I want to say no. It's a fear. What if... what if.... what if.... I'm afraid of being alone. What if things don't work.... I will be alone with my children and have no where to go. A major phobia of mine is being alone. Having my children doesn't fall into this phobia. My children will always be with me -- it's the thought of being in a relationship and being turned away in time. I know this isn't going to happen, I know in my heart it won't. But my mind is telling me it might. I am constantly being told that "You're stuck with me," or "no matter how hard I push, it won't be hard enough," or "you've been saying this now for three years and it hasn't changed a thing between us." I've seen my boyfriend with my children and I've seen what it was like to be a family. I've seen it. My children think he's great. But they are afraid of the consequences which are me marrying him. My son told me he'd rather see me divorced than marry again. What my children think means a great deal to me. And that too scares me.

I will have a life. I will have a life without abuse. But it is in me to think that will change. To think in some ways all men are the same. I know that isn't fair to any other man, but when you have spent 14 years of your life with abuse, you realize that there are so many couples who "pretend" when they are in public to be that wonderful couple and then they go home and the abuse is there. It's a fear I have. I believe deep down, that my life will be safe and my children will be safe with our new life but that doesn't make the fear go away.

I am in love with someone who is going to love me, and respect me, and treat me like I should be treated. I will do the same in return because that is where my heart is.

But..... I'm still scared.

((((((((aisha))))))))

No matter how much we try, we can't escape anniversary memories can we?
Please try to think of this date as a GOOD anniversary.....the day you had the courage to protect yourself and your sons by leaving a very very bad situation.

Of course it's scary to move! And start a whole new life.....anyone would be scared....omg good wonderful lifestyle changes are a major stressor.

one thing I need to keep saying ((((Aisha)))) is to not dwell on the issue of your sons being away from their Dad. Many, many children face this and handle it well. Your ex can find a way to see his sons. There is email, phone calls, instant messenger, webcams. This modern age keeps us all connected.

You ask will they remember....especially the bad times.....Oh yes, sadly, they may remember those images of you being hurt and crying. That is imprinted on them. Are you sure they "adore" their father? After seeing that? Or do they fear him too?

Right now what is good for you is good for them. Scary isn't necessarily a bad thing. Please keep that in mind

You've made some good choices on this date...especially the one 3 years ago. And look what it's leading to.....a whole new life! Celebrate Dec. 5!

Love

Beagle

((((Aisha))))))

I understand a little of what today makes you feel. I have been divorced for 3 years and each anniversary - the one when he told me he was leaving, the one when we told the kids, the day he moved out, the day we sold our house, the day i moved into my house with the kids and the breakdown that followed, the first wedding anniversary we were apart, and so on - each one holds memories for me that i cant imagine letting go.

I looked at my ex husband tonight as he sat at my kitchen table eating the stew i had made (weird i know) and i marvelled how i could know for certain that we are better apart and yet still be sad that things didnt work out, still be wistful about things we will never share again, still miss our life together. I will always love him, especially because of our children, but i am not 'in love' with him and so many parts of our marriage were bad and i will never forget those....in so many ways, almost unexplainable to most, i still feel married and believe i always will.

I dont think every couple who break up feel like this, but i think some do and you and i are obviously like that. I dont think its anything to be afraid about, or worried about, i just think we have to accept it. We can still move on with our lives.

I dont think it is at all unusual for your boys to be scared of the move...After all you are, and i think anyone would be. Fear of the unknown is perfectly natural. But like anything, time will help with that one. There will be a settling in period for everyone and maybe times when everything seems so hard or complicated. It will be an easy tool to beat you with for your sons....when angry kids will pick what they know hurts most or where you will wobble.....for you it might be 'i want to live with dad, you took me away, i hate you', for another kid it may be another weapon of words. It is just something to hit out with and they will learn...sometimes the only answer is 'well i did what i always try to do, the best for you'.
Sadly i expect they do remember what went on when you and their dad were married.....and maybe that is what the experience of marriage is to them and thats why they dont want you to get married again.....with time they will learn it is not always like that. Good life experiences will help them and when they are adults they may decided to have their own counselling to do with issues from that time.

Its good that you value what your children think and that its important to you, but remember there is a lot of emotion behind how children form opinions and everything is black and white to them. As they grow and mature they will develop more informed opinions and not everything will be borne out of reaction. Its great they can articulate their fears to you...at least they dont have to pretend.

We all feel our way through this parenting lark lol....instinct is responsible for soooo much as there sure isnt a manual to tell us the way to go! Its ok to be scared...it really is ok

(((((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))) My five year anniversary would be on new years eve and i will be with her my ex and my new gf! Dreading it....you dont loose the feelings for your ex just cause you dont see them

((((Aisha)))). What the others have said is about all there is to say. I agree with Beagle on the way to look at things in a positive light. Think of the anniversary date as the day of new beginnings. Of new life, not endings. You will have much greater happiness in the future. Your children will always love there father, but now there will be a positive male roll model in there lives. What a great thing for them. Wishing you all the best as you begin this new journey of life. You have chosen the right path.