To be involved in the life of a Borderline *trigger. Emotional n' cursing*
To anyone and everyone who has been in my life. (the names of those involved have been changed for thier protection. ^.^)
I love you, and I hate you. I'm so screwed up in the head and only in the last few years have really undertood that my thinking and my behavior was not only unhealthy for me, but detramental to those in my life. I want to get out some things towards the key people in my life both good and bad. (this may be pretty lengthy.)
Dad~
You were not the only person parenting our family, but I still hold SO much resentment for everything you put us through, and dragged us into. You should not have been a parent. Simply aiding in fertilization does not mean you are capable nor even intitled to raise children. I forgive you, but I honestly put most of the responsibility for the causes for my disorder on you. Most children have difficulty dealing with their parants splitting up. I was OVERJOYED! Still, when you showed up at our door years later with a new pack of lies and a new plan to con your way back into our lives, all I fucking wanted was for you to ask me how I was, ask what I was doing in my life. I just wanted my Daddy as much as I can't fucking stand the thought of you. For my entire life, you have been in and out of prison and whenever you came back, things always went back to living hell. The worst part of that is that is that whenever we tried to escape you, you would always only be interested in mom. We, your own CHILDREN where nothing more than barganing chips for you. We were leverage. We were property. All you ever tried to do was convince mom to allow you to manipulate her further, and untill my mid teens, you always managed to slither on your belly back into her pity or her fear and inject your venom into our lives.
I resent you for the constant lies. I resent you for your drug problem. I resent you for your miraculous prison rehabilitations that always ended up to be empty promises. I resent you for dragging us from one dingy hotel to another. I resent you for the constant fear of where we were going to sleep or what we were going to eat. I resent you for our poverty. I resent you for the damage done to my psyche from being in homeless shelters, only being able to eat when some church in the vast network of charity mooching you abused took pity on us. I resent you for being ashamed at how dirty and squalid my clothes were and the abuse it brought from the other children. I resent you for that starting the whole snowball of my insecurities rolling. I resent you for only having presents that strangers put in a charity bin on christmas. I resent you for the abuse. I resent you for emotionally battering me and laughing at me when I tried to be the strong one for the other kids. I resent you for how cruel you were to them. I resent you for the manipulation. I resent the memory of you consoling my sweet little sister about "Daddy having to kill himself because Mommy didn't love him anymore." I resent you for taking me aside, offering me candy telling me not to tell the other kids and whatever happened after that, that I still can't remember but I feel to this day. I resent you for doctor shopping. I resent you for the constant visits from the police. I resent you for us being put in foster care and splitting us up because you stole money and blamed it on mom only to play martyr with a fucking plea bargain. I resent you kidnapping me when mom tried to leave in fresno. I resent having to learn how to avoid stalkers because of you constantly stalking the family when we were away from you. I resent you from keeping us out of school for such large amounts of time. I resent you for always throwing what meagre possesions we had promissing us replacement, and never following through. I resent you for me having to always be the "new girl" and never having ANY stability or validation with which to form a healthy and stable personality. I resent you for the fact that CPS didn't take us away from that horrific situation because you taught your little girl how to lie. I resent you for accusing me of having sex with any boy I talked to even when I was 7 years old! I resent you for all the remaining issues I have in love because of how fucked up my relationship with you was. I resent you for that ONE night we spent at a highly ranked hotel with the money that the pastor gave us so we would have some place to live for a whole week. I resent you for the hours spent in the car while mom screamed for you to let her out when you picked her up from work with NOTHING packed and drove all the way to San Diego. I resent you for the self richeousness in your so called "Christianity" that you beat over our heads, turning a beautiful faith into a weapon against small children. I resent you for instilling paranioa in me by putting mattresses over mirrors in hotels among many other off the fucking wall behaviors that fucked my head up. I resent you for the violent fights with mom in front of us and the way you tried to make us take sides. I resent you telling us all that it was anyones fault but yours. I resent you for the junkies you hung out with and especially the one you pissed off so badly that it caused your children to be subjected to watching a gun being pointed at our fathers head. I resent you for never taking any responsibility for your actions or over the wellbeing of your flesh and blood. I resent you for your constant critisism and complete lack of support. I resent you for making mom so preoccupied with survival and dealing with you, that she could not offer much better to us. I resent you for never bothering to help us through things, explain things, or instill any kind of system of family, values, or coping. I resent you for mom crying when I cried my eyes out because I hadn't eaten for three days and I didn't understand why she wouldn't feed me. I resent you for taking me away from the first place I ever felt as home, a place we had actually lived for TWO WHOLE YEARS where I made my first actual friends with only five minutes of notice. I resent the hospital bills we still got from your drug hunts years after you were gone. I resent you for all the countless other traumas that happened EVERY DAY FOR 14 FUCKING YEARS OF MY LIFE that I am far too exausted to list or far too repressed to remember completely yet.
Mostly, I resent you for the fact that I am so much your daughter. I resent that I followed in your footsteps as far as the drugs and mental issues so much that it makes me sick. I resent that there will always be a distinct piece of you looking back at me whenever I look in the mirror, no matter where I go.
I only forgive you because I can't bare to hold the wieght of everything you did to me on my shoulders. I hope that you are happy now that the whole family is or has moved far enough away to where you can't (I pray to god) track and follow us anymore. Know that all I wanted was to be your little girl and for you to love me and not to hurt me every day. I was your first born, and I just wanted to make you love me and be proud of me. I wanted my siblings to feel loved and not be tortured and humiliated so that I wouldn't have to be the strong one all the time when inside I was dying. All I ever wanted was your love and I hope that now that you are an old man, without a home, alone, without a family, or one to harrass and persue, that you'll realize what you've done for once in your life. I love you Daddy, and I will never see or talk to you ever again. I hope you make peace with yourself and that you don't die alone. Goodbye.
Mom~
I understand what you went through. I'm sorry. I was angry at you for not taking us out of that situation. I know how lost you've been. I hope you find your peace. I worry about your health, mommy. Please take care of yourself. Thank you for being there for me recently. I've needed you all along.
To my siblings~
Now that I've been so far away from you guys, I miss the times when we were best friends. All we've ever had in the world was each other and we've made it guys. We made it out alive. I hope we can repair things to a time when we are close.
Irene~
Girl, you mean the world to me. I don't know what I would be today if it wern't for you. You have loved me through so many years of transitions, facades, fits, and confusion and I have always had you to turn to, even after I would ignore you for such long times. The only fucking fight we've gotten in was over a misunderstanding over a name, and I can't believe it. I can't believe that I've actually met the person who i can get along with being myself for so many years. What the hell is wrong with you? I love you more than anyone I've ever known. You're my best friend. I never knew what that meant before I got close to you. You've got a friend here for the rest of your life. You so don't suck. ^.^
Daniel~
I'm really sorry that I misplaced my love for you. You have been there for me after I put you through some really creapy and difficult shit. You're a really great friend. I never thought I could get over you, but I did. Still, you mean the world to me and always will. Thanks for still being my friend when I finally got there. There will always be a special place in my heart for you and if it wern't for you, I wouldn't have ever realized that I had a problem. I love you deeply.
Ryan~
I don't know. It hurts so badly, and I don't know how to express it to you. I'm sorry that I have so many issues. Im so sorry. I want to be with you forever. I don't know how to handle it. I just want you and I want it to be better. I don't want to leave you, but it hurts so badly. Every fiber of my being is telling me to run away before you hurt me more. I can't help it. I've fucked things up so badly and I feel like everyone knows how fucked up I am. I just want to be loved and I don't know how. If nothing else, please know I love you. Please, please know that I love you and I'm so sorry. You deserve better and I just want you to still want me. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and hurt. I'm sorry.
There's no way to tell you how angry I am but how sad I am all the time. I don't want to leave but I don't feel I have a choice. There's nothing after you.