There is so much to say, and yet I don't know what i can actully get down. Things have been crashing down around me since last Nov. What happened was the catalyst for all childhood memories to be releadse and manifest themselves with great force. Some of you may know a little of my background, but as of yet I have not been brave enough to share with anyone. I read your pain and wish I could take it all away from everyone. Then only one would suffer.

My parents split when I was 5. My dad ran off with the woman that would become my stepmother. My grandmother took us from my mom and ran with us to where my dad moved. She left us there. We spent the next year running. My step-mother filled our minds with untrue things about our mother. We began to fear her. With my step-mother came an Acoholic grandmother and abusive uncle. The molestations began when I was 6. The first rape (I have never been able to call it that before) Occured when I was 12. I will spare the details as I am sure no one really cares about them anyway. i will only say that there was much violence involved with it. I am lucky (or maybe not) to have survived. They continued on until his death when I was 16. He convinced me early that I could never tell anyone what was going on. I began to dissociate quite often, not really knowing anymore, afraid of feeling. I began cutting as well. I learned how to cover and make everyone think things were great. I am not so sure I didn't begin to believe it myself, except I always knew something was wrong. So many things happened during this time. I am sorry that I am unable to verbalize them, but.... well I just can't.

I went from my uncle to what I thought was a wonderful young man. I actually met him before my uncle died. I was 15. The beginnings were good. Then at 16, things changed. I could not get away and ended up married at 18. The control started before we were even married. After the years with my uncle, I fell right into this abusive relationship. I stayed there for 22 years. I have started therapy and my therapist has told me the things my ex has done/is doing are sadistic. The rapes continue even after being divorced for 2 years. Too much here as well. I don't want to cause any triggers for anyone, so I will spare those details as well. All I positively know is that I cannot continue on. The pain is too great.

(((((kitten)))))


You are a very strong person to have survived all of that. And you did survive.

Therapy is hard work.......you will survive this, and the results of surviving this difficult work will be that you feel BETTER. You can be better and you are entitled to be better.

When you said you "can't go on" I'm taking that to mean that you can't post anymore, aren't ready to talk yet. .take all the time you need.

But, yes you can go on........you have come so far, now is not the time to let the evil in your past drag you down and win. You're almost there hun......you have lots of good life and times ahead of you....keep believing that.

Take care....thanks for sharing with us

Beagle

(((((((((((((((Kitten)))))))))))))

Forgive me for replying late,,,,

I looked at the subject line....What Did I Do?

Good Lord...nothing! You arent responsible for the outright wrong behavior on the parts of others. Its all to easy to fall into the trap of 'control' and its hard as heck to escape. i'm glad to hear that you are in therapy.
Please dont blame yourself. Nothing you did deserves what happened to you. No no no no.

We are here for You!


SillyBoyTroy

KittenLyn, thank you so much for sharing with us. I am glad that you have finally felt comfortable to get things off your chest.

Troy is right, you didnt do anything, you are the victim and it is not your fault.

You have been living a hard hard life and you must be an amazing person to be getting therapy and help and doing what you can to get a life going that can make you happy. It is beyond me to express how amazing you truely are.

Please feel free to share as much as you want or need to. That is the advantage of this forum, you can say what you need to say without worrying about triggering people, because they know that if they are triggered easily that they shouldnt read it. So please feel free to vent and rant and get things out in the open if it is helpful for you. We are here to listen.

(((((((((((KittenLyn)))))))))))))))))))




Ly