Over the last week – Last Saturday was the worst, I found myself getting so anxious and almost paranoid. The sensation was OMG I left my husband. I was driving alone, going shopping and it hit me. I was alone. I got scared. I have a phobia of being alone, even though I like to be alone most of the time. It’s more like as long as I know someone is in the house, its okay. I used to cry when my ex said he was leaving and wasn’t going to put up with this shit anymore. I used to hide his wallet and keys. I’d go stand in front of the doors so he couldn’t get passed me. Stupid. But it’s who I was. It didn’t matter if I was going to “get in trouble” for it, I still did it because of that fear. The fear of him not coming back. I think inside I knew he would come back, but my brain was telling me, he’s leaving and you’re going to be alone forever. Strange I thought it was longer, but in December it will have been 3 years since we separated. When I finally said “ok, go.” I think I left him with his jaw on the floor.
But driving that day, it seemed like only yesterday when we had separated and I was scared to death thinking not only that “I did it!” But also, “now I am alone.” Or maybe even still, “I’m free now.” I had no friends, I wasn’t allowed. “You marry your best friend and don’t need any others,” is what he always told me. Going online was taboo for him. Always had to know exactly what sites I was going to. He would change my yahoo IM settings so it would save conversations. He would check the history. Of course, I learned very quickly not only to change my yahoo ID, but to erase the history each time I was on the computer. God forbid I talk to a guy online. It didn’t matter if they were in another country, state or whatever.
But that feeling I got that day was so real. So scary. I told my b/f the other day that now I seem to be feeling awkward around my ex. I guess since my trip to see my b/f. Guilt? That is what my b/f said. And maybe he was right. My ex told me after he dropped off the kids last week, which I was completely quiet not knowing what to say “awww purdy girl is trying to think of something to get mad at me for,” and then laughed. I said well you just gave me a reason and I turned around and walked in.
Guilt…Is it because I recently came back from vacation and was with someone that wasn’t my ex? It’s been almost three years. I couldn’t look at him in the eye, my eyes were on the ground most of the time like I did something wrong. It was like I had to lie and make up some story of what I was doing or where I was going. I used to get in trouble, bad trouble if I was FIVE minutes late. “Why didn’t you call you @%$@$” That’s how I’ve been feeling around him. Guilty, awkward, cautious, afraid, just plain old sick. It just has been taking me back to a place I don’t want to be. Why now? Is it because I just spent two weeks with another man and inside I feel like I cheated on my ex? WHY?????????????????????
Full Version: Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf
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Are you safe around him? If he knew you were seeing a man, even tho it's been years, would you be physically safe? Maybe your gut is telling you to lie for a reason.
Are you safe around him? If he knew you were seeing a man, even tho it's been years, would you be physically safe? Maybe your gut is telling you to lie for a reason.
If your husband was abusive how is he seeing the kids? Its hard to get out the mentality of being abused. Jsut remember. You are no longer the victim. He can no longer control you. Its hard but eventually you start to believe it.
QUOTE
If your husband was abusive how is he seeing the kids?
Mine was abusive, and we had stacks and stacks of police reports to prove it. He still was able to get visiting rights. However, I bartered with the judge, and the ex isn't allowed to come to my house for any reason.
How is it that he is able to see the kids..... You know how many times I've been asked that? Or if he was abusive to me, I shouldn't let him near the kids...
My children heard a lot over the years I was married. My older son more. There is one report I made against my ex for Suspicion of Child Abuse. This was on my older son. The social workers became involved, talked to my son and me and to my ex as well. He will never hurt my children. Why do I let them see him? Because no matter what, they adore him. He would never hurt them intentionally, and that is something I do believe. I made the report because I mentioned it to my doctor. It was a matter that either I call or the doctor's office does. So I did. I have pictures that I have hidden away in case I ever need them. He will never hurt them again. Now you can all slam me for my choices of my children seeing their father, or you can try to understand. I made a promise to him a long time ago. A promise that I would never take his children from him should we ever separate. I have sole and legal custody of them and can stop his visitation any time I feel like it. But I made a promise which I intend to keep. Just because he broke his promises to me, doesn't mean I have to stoop to his level and break mine. He knows that next June I will be moving to Massachussetts. He told me to go if that's what I thought was best. I even asked him to think about moving. You may all think I'm crazy, but to me, that is something that fulfilled my promise. I told him and gave him the opportunity to move closer to them. You may all think I'm a piece of shit for allowing someone who hurt my son to be able to see my children, but it was my decision. He wasn't the same with them as he was with me.
In June I will be 3000 miles from here. Whether he comes it doesn't matter to me anymore. I did my part. I kept my promise. I am moving to begin a new life with a man who cares for my children as much as he cares for his own daughter. He proved that to me during my vacation. We will have something that I never really had with my ex. We will have a family.
As for my being safe around him. He'll never hurt me again. I know that inside. Ever since I left I promised myself I would let no one walk over me. And I haven't. I speak my peace to people whether it is ugly or not. It is as ugly as they make it out to be. I am not afraid to talk back to my ex, nor put him in his place by what I say. He may not like it, but that's how it is. Most of our deeper "not good" conversations now, when they happen are on the phone where I have the opportunity to hang up. And believe it or not, sometimes I have been able to hang up on him. But sometimes when there are arguments on the phone I worry about what could happen. He has tried to kill himself on a few occassions and that alone scares me too.
Why I've been feeling this way is beyond me. It's like right now, it's 2pm my time. He hasn't called yet about the kids. I've had my cell with me all day, he knows both my mother's number and my work number too. Instinct for me tells me to call... but I haven't yet. He hasn't worked in over a year now. Last week he asked for "help" with money. He said he needed it for food for the kids and such. So like an idiot I gave him 200 bucks. Then he said, oh good, I can buy a few new clothes???? I know the answers are stay away. Don't call. Leave well enough alone, but its hard when your children are asking when is daddy coming. I haven't heard I wish we were all together as a family for a while. But I have been asked to go places together, of which mostly I decline. I don't want to confuse my children by letting them think we will get back together. It's just a sense of awkwardness. I don't know if you understand where I'm coming from or not. I probably shouldn't even be writing this. But it is in me to feel like I have to find an explanation of what I do. I'm afraid of being slammed by you guys because of my choices and that bothers me too. I guess I'm just screwed.
My children heard a lot over the years I was married. My older son more. There is one report I made against my ex for Suspicion of Child Abuse. This was on my older son. The social workers became involved, talked to my son and me and to my ex as well. He will never hurt my children. Why do I let them see him? Because no matter what, they adore him. He would never hurt them intentionally, and that is something I do believe. I made the report because I mentioned it to my doctor. It was a matter that either I call or the doctor's office does. So I did. I have pictures that I have hidden away in case I ever need them. He will never hurt them again. Now you can all slam me for my choices of my children seeing their father, or you can try to understand. I made a promise to him a long time ago. A promise that I would never take his children from him should we ever separate. I have sole and legal custody of them and can stop his visitation any time I feel like it. But I made a promise which I intend to keep. Just because he broke his promises to me, doesn't mean I have to stoop to his level and break mine. He knows that next June I will be moving to Massachussetts. He told me to go if that's what I thought was best. I even asked him to think about moving. You may all think I'm crazy, but to me, that is something that fulfilled my promise. I told him and gave him the opportunity to move closer to them. You may all think I'm a piece of shit for allowing someone who hurt my son to be able to see my children, but it was my decision. He wasn't the same with them as he was with me.
In June I will be 3000 miles from here. Whether he comes it doesn't matter to me anymore. I did my part. I kept my promise. I am moving to begin a new life with a man who cares for my children as much as he cares for his own daughter. He proved that to me during my vacation. We will have something that I never really had with my ex. We will have a family.
As for my being safe around him. He'll never hurt me again. I know that inside. Ever since I left I promised myself I would let no one walk over me. And I haven't. I speak my peace to people whether it is ugly or not. It is as ugly as they make it out to be. I am not afraid to talk back to my ex, nor put him in his place by what I say. He may not like it, but that's how it is. Most of our deeper "not good" conversations now, when they happen are on the phone where I have the opportunity to hang up. And believe it or not, sometimes I have been able to hang up on him. But sometimes when there are arguments on the phone I worry about what could happen. He has tried to kill himself on a few occassions and that alone scares me too.
Why I've been feeling this way is beyond me. It's like right now, it's 2pm my time. He hasn't called yet about the kids. I've had my cell with me all day, he knows both my mother's number and my work number too. Instinct for me tells me to call... but I haven't yet. He hasn't worked in over a year now. Last week he asked for "help" with money. He said he needed it for food for the kids and such. So like an idiot I gave him 200 bucks. Then he said, oh good, I can buy a few new clothes???? I know the answers are stay away. Don't call. Leave well enough alone, but its hard when your children are asking when is daddy coming. I haven't heard I wish we were all together as a family for a while. But I have been asked to go places together, of which mostly I decline. I don't want to confuse my children by letting them think we will get back together. It's just a sense of awkwardness. I don't know if you understand where I'm coming from or not. I probably shouldn't even be writing this. But it is in me to feel like I have to find an explanation of what I do. I'm afraid of being slammed by you guys because of my choices and that bothers me too. I guess I'm just screwed.
I do understand where you are coming from. He is the father of your children and nothing will change that. You feel that you won't sink to his level by breaking a promise. And this will come across as slamming even though I don't mean it to and I ams orry inadvance.
When he hit you he broke that trust. When he made you promise not to take the kids away, it was a way to control you. Asking for money he even used the children against you to get what he wanted. If he EVER hurt your son, he lost that right. While I know you believe he would never intentinally hurt your son, there is that change that he will unintentionally.He still tries to make you fear him to regain some kind of control over you and unfortunatly as long as you let him remain in your life, he always will. Abusers do not change what they are, they simply change how they do it. They are adaptable. And they do so. Do the benifits of your kids seeing your husband out weigh the risk that he will fall into his old behavior? Yes you have pictures if you ever need them, but IF he does, the damage will be done. Him not having a job and attempting suicide are niether your fault or your responsibilty, no matter how much it hurts. You gained that right by reclaiming your life. You no longer have to be manipulated by him dragging promises from you and using things, like your love and concern for children, against you, and what I fear for you is that is exactly what he is doing.
This isn't meant to slam you, and perhaps my own experience freom abuse colors my anger, but I have no pity for abusers. They are angry, spiteful people who have a hole in their heart that will never be filled. Anyone who needs to hit to feel in power is pathetic. They loose the rights they had, they loose their choices. You are lucky that you got out, so many women don't You were strong to do that! Don't sell yourself short! And these ARE your decisions to make. You still just seem so afraid of him, and we don't want that for you.
Wishing you the best
BA
When he hit you he broke that trust. When he made you promise not to take the kids away, it was a way to control you. Asking for money he even used the children against you to get what he wanted. If he EVER hurt your son, he lost that right. While I know you believe he would never intentinally hurt your son, there is that change that he will unintentionally.He still tries to make you fear him to regain some kind of control over you and unfortunatly as long as you let him remain in your life, he always will. Abusers do not change what they are, they simply change how they do it. They are adaptable. And they do so. Do the benifits of your kids seeing your husband out weigh the risk that he will fall into his old behavior? Yes you have pictures if you ever need them, but IF he does, the damage will be done. Him not having a job and attempting suicide are niether your fault or your responsibilty, no matter how much it hurts. You gained that right by reclaiming your life. You no longer have to be manipulated by him dragging promises from you and using things, like your love and concern for children, against you, and what I fear for you is that is exactly what he is doing.
This isn't meant to slam you, and perhaps my own experience freom abuse colors my anger, but I have no pity for abusers. They are angry, spiteful people who have a hole in their heart that will never be filled. Anyone who needs to hit to feel in power is pathetic. They loose the rights they had, they loose their choices. You are lucky that you got out, so many women don't You were strong to do that! Don't sell yourself short! And these ARE your decisions to make. You still just seem so afraid of him, and we don't want that for you.
Wishing you the best
BA
(((((((Aisha)))))))
No one is going to slam you or judge you here! Your story hits home in one way or another for probably everyone here. I feel for you....you're between a rock and a hard place.
But we are an outspoken bunch! LOL So you may get some advice, but it's given with love and not judging.
We give advice, too from our own experiences....you know the old saying do what I say not what I do.
I know people tell me I'm doing too much, or not enough, and sometimes it pricks a bit......because there is a germ of truth in it.
But at the end of the day you have to do what you have to do! I think you've done great to get away, to keep your kids safe. And you know I think I understand that he is different with his kids than with you. Your promise to let him keep his kids doesn't mean you can't move away.....it means you will let him COME to them if needed
And, it goes without saying, that if the situation changes, if your boys are in danger from him than that promise is totally and completely voided.......because HE voided the agreement.
Anyway.....we send you lots of hugs.........lots of advice........and lots of luck. Thanks for sharing with us.
Love ya,
Beagle
No one is going to slam you or judge you here! Your story hits home in one way or another for probably everyone here. I feel for you....you're between a rock and a hard place.
But we are an outspoken bunch! LOL So you may get some advice, but it's given with love and not judging.
We give advice, too from our own experiences....you know the old saying do what I say not what I do.
I know people tell me I'm doing too much, or not enough, and sometimes it pricks a bit......because there is a germ of truth in it.
But at the end of the day you have to do what you have to do! I think you've done great to get away, to keep your kids safe. And you know I think I understand that he is different with his kids than with you. Your promise to let him keep his kids doesn't mean you can't move away.....it means you will let him COME to them if needed
And, it goes without saying, that if the situation changes, if your boys are in danger from him than that promise is totally and completely voided.......because HE voided the agreement.
Anyway.....we send you lots of hugs.........lots of advice........and lots of luck. Thanks for sharing with us.
Love ya,
Beagle
((((((((((((everyone)))))))))))))))
Thank you for your replies. I guess I went into this knowing pretty much what the responses would be. It was a matter of getting it off of my chest. I needed to talk about it. The fact that I made a promise is something that ME and only ME made. After we separated, he never nagged me on seeing the kids. He never "forced" me .... "what about your promise?" He never did that. It was something I did for my children. You all make good points, but I guess it's hard to judge a book by its cover. To be one way with me, yet different with my children. I know in my heart, and that, I do not believe as being gullable, that he will never hurt me or my children again. He will never lay a hand on me or them. I have come a long way to know that. And he has changed. In the past I've thought, as many of us do, about going back to him, because he did seek help. Anger management, anxiety, depression classes and he was put on meds. He spent time in neuropsych. He knew what he had done. Only now, its something that he believes I should be over. Truth is, it never goes away. It gets easier. But there are still those triggers, flashbacks, nightmares.... He doesn't see them, but I do. I think its the same with a lot of us who have been through abuse. Does he still play head games with me? Yes. But it takes a bit longer for them to work on me.
Yesterday I spent part of my day going back to the storage unit I opened up so he could finish moving out earlier this year. I have a key and so does he. I told him just get the stuff out and I would pay for the space. So I went and brought a few things home. Talk about a rush of memories. Both good and bad. I've told myself that each weekend I will go and remove more from that unit because I simply cannot afford to keep paying for it. It hurt opening that door to the unit. Seeing my children's crib there. Tiny baby clothes they wore -- a top hat that was made for me at my baby shower. The bow of every gift I received was stapled onto the hat. It was silly. Anyhow, it's in the past.
I have to say though out of all of this, I AM lucky. Next June there will be no more of the everyday crisis' because in all honesty, I don't see him being able to leave with us. He did have an interview and they want to hire him, (as I have been told before), only he needs all his insurance information updated for his truck. I'm waiting for that phone call -- can you help me out? Well, this time I have no choice but to say no. After going to the storage unit, I went to walmart and spent the rest of my checking account balance there. I have about 50 dollars until Friday and I have a doctor's with my son's surgeon tomorrow. It should be fun. For his sake, I hope he can get his ass in gear and start working again so he can start feeling independent and feel he is not just a moocher. A term I used to use to describe his brothers. I think if he can just keep busy, a lot will change. But like I said, I still don't see him moving next June. I am. With my boys. I did my part holding up my end of my promise. As far as I'm concerned, I've kept my promise and I owe him nothing more. I am content with that. I guess the saddest part though is I still care about him. And I don't think that will ever change. 14 years was a long time to be with him. It wasn't all bad.
Now, I have a lifetime ahead with my b/f. One that over the course of 3 years has become stronger by the day. Being 3000 miles apart makes it hard, but it sure makes the time we have together in person priceless. The bond between me and my b/f is one that I do believe in. I've seen him with my children. The respect him. The like him. They say he acts like my brother who is a complete nut, but a cool guy.
Why the awkward feelings..... I don't know. I feel better today. And no BA, I didn't take it as a slam. I suppose I shouldn't have said that in my previous post. I know all of you care. I know all of you have been through a lot. But we are all different and so were our situations. I welcome your advice, your comments, questions, words of support or confusion even. I appreciate them and I thank you.
Aisha
Thank you for your replies. I guess I went into this knowing pretty much what the responses would be. It was a matter of getting it off of my chest. I needed to talk about it. The fact that I made a promise is something that ME and only ME made. After we separated, he never nagged me on seeing the kids. He never "forced" me .... "what about your promise?" He never did that. It was something I did for my children. You all make good points, but I guess it's hard to judge a book by its cover. To be one way with me, yet different with my children. I know in my heart, and that, I do not believe as being gullable, that he will never hurt me or my children again. He will never lay a hand on me or them. I have come a long way to know that. And he has changed. In the past I've thought, as many of us do, about going back to him, because he did seek help. Anger management, anxiety, depression classes and he was put on meds. He spent time in neuropsych. He knew what he had done. Only now, its something that he believes I should be over. Truth is, it never goes away. It gets easier. But there are still those triggers, flashbacks, nightmares.... He doesn't see them, but I do. I think its the same with a lot of us who have been through abuse. Does he still play head games with me? Yes. But it takes a bit longer for them to work on me.
Yesterday I spent part of my day going back to the storage unit I opened up so he could finish moving out earlier this year. I have a key and so does he. I told him just get the stuff out and I would pay for the space. So I went and brought a few things home. Talk about a rush of memories. Both good and bad. I've told myself that each weekend I will go and remove more from that unit because I simply cannot afford to keep paying for it. It hurt opening that door to the unit. Seeing my children's crib there. Tiny baby clothes they wore -- a top hat that was made for me at my baby shower. The bow of every gift I received was stapled onto the hat. It was silly. Anyhow, it's in the past.
I have to say though out of all of this, I AM lucky. Next June there will be no more of the everyday crisis' because in all honesty, I don't see him being able to leave with us. He did have an interview and they want to hire him, (as I have been told before), only he needs all his insurance information updated for his truck. I'm waiting for that phone call -- can you help me out? Well, this time I have no choice but to say no. After going to the storage unit, I went to walmart and spent the rest of my checking account balance there. I have about 50 dollars until Friday and I have a doctor's with my son's surgeon tomorrow. It should be fun. For his sake, I hope he can get his ass in gear and start working again so he can start feeling independent and feel he is not just a moocher. A term I used to use to describe his brothers. I think if he can just keep busy, a lot will change. But like I said, I still don't see him moving next June. I am. With my boys. I did my part holding up my end of my promise. As far as I'm concerned, I've kept my promise and I owe him nothing more. I am content with that. I guess the saddest part though is I still care about him. And I don't think that will ever change. 14 years was a long time to be with him. It wasn't all bad.
Now, I have a lifetime ahead with my b/f. One that over the course of 3 years has become stronger by the day. Being 3000 miles apart makes it hard, but it sure makes the time we have together in person priceless. The bond between me and my b/f is one that I do believe in. I've seen him with my children. The respect him. The like him. They say he acts like my brother who is a complete nut, but a cool guy.
Why the awkward feelings..... I don't know. I feel better today. And no BA, I didn't take it as a slam. I suppose I shouldn't have said that in my previous post. I know all of you care. I know all of you have been through a lot. But we are all different and so were our situations. I welcome your advice, your comments, questions, words of support or confusion even. I appreciate them and I thank you.
Aisha
(((((((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))))
Hun, I have walked in similar shoes to yours. My ex was abusive too, and nutty as a fruitcake.
Don't think it is sad that a part of you still cares about him. You were together a long time. He is the father of your children. It is only natural to still feel something.
Also, don't let the bad memories totally wipe out the good. You did have good times together, or you wouldn't have married him right? Cherish those good memories. Don't forget the bad, but remember the good. You spent a lot of time together. Yes, the bad eventually outweighed the good. Just don't cheat yourself, and your kids, out of the good memories. They may enjoy hearing about them too.
Hun, I have walked in similar shoes to yours. My ex was abusive too, and nutty as a fruitcake.
Don't think it is sad that a part of you still cares about him. You were together a long time. He is the father of your children. It is only natural to still feel something.
Also, don't let the bad memories totally wipe out the good. You did have good times together, or you wouldn't have married him right? Cherish those good memories. Don't forget the bad, but remember the good. You spent a lot of time together. Yes, the bad eventually outweighed the good. Just don't cheat yourself, and your kids, out of the good memories. They may enjoy hearing about them too.
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