Seriously: I have no idea what just happened. I just got back from therapy. Were we concluded that I was sexually abused as a child.

I told her that I've always had this feeling that something is there. Something happened to me. I just don't know what. She asked if I had any memories and I said no. All the while in her office I keep seeing this one image of him touching me. I've had that image for a while now, a year or so but I don’t know exactly when or why it started, or if it is even real. Did I make it up? My T says that I didn't make it up.

But, It doesn’t feel real. Nothing feels real. I didn't cry I just stared and shook my head to try and get the picture to go away. I don't want to see it. I don't want this to happen to me. It can't. I must be lying. I made this up, it didn't happen, I'm playing tricks on myself. I feel like this happened to someone else, not me. I guess this is what denial REALLY is.

But, HOW CAN THIS HAPPEN? I can’t do anything about it either. How will I tell my Dad that his twin brother abused me sexually? I will either kill my entire extended family. Or they won’t believe me. Both will hurt too much.

I have done alot of things to myself to get peoples attention or help. I've let things happen to me and been a rediculous baby and played the victim for support. This is one thing I didn't ask for. I don't want this to happen....

I feel better that T knows. But I feel like it isn’t the truth. I don’t feel like I lied either. Its the truth to me but I feel like it can’t be because no one else knows or will believe me.

I feel sick. My head feels weird and my stomach is in knots.

How did this happen....I was okay....how did this happen to me?

((((((((((((((((((((((((alli)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I know exactly what you are going through right now. The most important thing is to take care of yourself while you are going through this.

I won't go rambling on, but please take care of yourself.

Nobby

(((((((((((((((((((((Alli))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((alli))))))))))))))))))))

i need a hug. but i can't tell anyone, no one will believe me. i have no idea what will happen if i tell my parents. they have no idea. they'll kill me. they'll want to ask him and i never want to see him again. ever. i dont even want to try talking to my friends. i know that the compettitive one is going to give me attitude that i certainly do not need. as for my extended family, tell one tell all. so, not happening. the only other person i talk to is 3000 miles away and won't be back for 3 weeks. i miss her. and my therapist, i mean, theres not much she can do over the phone...

ugh,

((((((Alli))))))

lots of hugs for you......the one thing you need to remember is that this can be a BIG step in understanding why you have the problems......and the step in the right direction to feel better.

Now, one step at a time. I don't think there is any reason you need to tell anyone yet. Not to hide it or to protect him or anything like that, but for Alli's sake! Yes, this will upset your parents, and they probably will need to know in good time.....but work with your therapist as to how and when to do this.

It happened a long time ago.....and you are still feeling the effect.......but a few more days or weeks or month of YOUR privacy may be the best thing for YOU.

Notice in all of this I'm thinking about YOU and your safety and your feelings.

So keep talking to us, confide in a friend or family member if it seems right, but don't feel you HAVE to tell anyone yet.....you have a lot to do just to absorb it.

And....you did not ASK for it....of that be very sure. You are a victim and the most important thing now is getting you healthy.

Like ((((Nobby))))) says....take good care of yourself. Call your therapist if you need too.....she can do a LOT over the phone to help you through this

and one more

(((((beagle pengi TH nobby)))))

thanks.

((((Alli)))))

you might find "The Courage to Heal" by Ellen Davis and Laura Bass helpful, its for survivors of sexual abuse, but I find many of the things it says relevant for the effects of past abuse in general, abuse of all kinds...its also comforting to read...

((safe hug))

((sorrel)) thank you.

(((((((((((sorrell))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this. But think of it, once you've come to terms with it (not that you will ever get over it), that healing process will be behind you. And, it sounds to me like things can only get better from here...at least in the grand scheme of things. The following is a book, with Christian themes running through it, about healing from the atrocities. "On the Threshold of Hope: Opening the Door to Hope and Healing for Survivors of Sexual Abuse" by Diane Mandt Langberg, PhD. May you heal from your hurt.

Blessings,
Jen

(((((((((((((((((( alli )))))))))))))))))))))))



You must be feeling pretty darned confused. Life sure throws plenty at us sometimes. The hardest things thrown at us are of course the hardest ones to deal with. I think Beagle has some very important points. There is no need to talk to anyone about what happened "now." I do think the time will come when it will need to come out. But right now, you need to comprehend what is going on within you. As Beagle said, keep your T close by. Put her phone number on your cell if you have one, or her card in your purse. That is what they are there for.

There is nothing I can do or say to make things right for you. This is a journey that you must go through. But the one thing going for you is the support you have with all of us here and your friend when she comes home, along with your T. You are safe here. There is no one on this site who will judge you or tell you things were your fault. Almost all of us here have been through some type of abuse in one way, shape or form. You have us all by your side Alli.

Please take care of yourself and feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Any of us would be more than happy to be with you. There are times when none of us want to be alone or feel alone. You aren't. You have us.



Aisha

Wow. Thanks everyone.

I am so happy that I know such wonderful people. Thank you

thanks x 10000000000000000

alli