Yesterday my son, who is 7 years old, slipped on a rock at the beach. Thre was blood everywhere. I was lucky enough to have Troy with me about 50 feet away. He rushed to my side and his shirt was instinctively taken off and put on my son holding his mouth. My hands full of blood, my sons too .... I quickly rinsed my hands in the water, washing off something that was scaring the hell out of my son. At first, I thought he broke a tooth. But then there was nothing moving, no loose teeth. So I figured it was his gums. Still again I wasn't sure. The blood finally slowed enough and I was able to tell my son, that it was going to be okay, it was stopping. He started calming down. Because there was less flow now, I could look more closely. What I saw was that my son's tooth almost went through his lip.

Flashback

This one incident took me back years. Just about 7 if I am right. Funny, the accident with my one son today, is 7 years old, but the memory is of my older son who is now 11, which was something that happened about 7 years ago. I think he was near 4. My ex husband at the time was angry with me. I can't even remember why. He was always mad at me for one thing or another. Well this particular day, my son got in the way. As I am writing now, I am thinking -- he was probably in trouble for something and I stood in the way. Trying to get my ex to leave him alone. After hitting my son with the shoe (my shoe), I told him to leave him be again. So he picked him up and threw him into his bed. My son had one of those VW bed frames for children. Very hard plastic for the frame. He started screaming and screaming and screaming. My ex just kept telling him "you better knock it off boy!" When I went in there, my son's mouth was full of blood. Again, maybe a tooth got knocked out, wasn't sure. He had hit his mouth on the back end of his bed, the hard plastic part. His tooth went through his lip. You could see a tiny line on the outside of his lip where the tooth was ready to puncture through. I tried cleaning him up a bit, then took my son to the ER because I thought he needed stitches. He must have been about 4 because my ex had to stay home with my baby. A sick thought of leaving him with him after that. So I took my son, and an even sicker thought was trying to talk my son into believing as story about how he hit his lip. I didn't want him believing that it was daddy that threw him, but simply because he lost his balance in his bed and hit the bed -- but the truth was daddy hit him, daddy threw him and daddy hurt him. As it turned out, he said he hit his mouth on his bed when we were with the nurse. And she said there would be no point in stitches because the cut did not go through completely to the other side of the lip so there was really nothing to sew as far as stitches go. When I left I was in tears, knowing I had to come home to that fucker.

One of the hardest part for those who are abused is to leave the situation. We go alone abusing ourselves in some sense believing everything was our fault. Was it my fault that my son hit his bed? I thought so. My son was in trouble, I interfered, so his punishment was worse. If I shut up, it wouldn't have happened. But if I wasn't so scared during my marriage, I would have left a long time ago. But it isn't that easy for victims of abuse. I feel like shit for what happened throughout my entire marriage. For what happened to me and for what happened to my children.

Sorry, I'm stopping here -- getting a rush of thoughts .... bad thoughts ....

Aisha

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((aisha)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thought you could use a hug

vicki

((((((((Aisha)))))))))
You did what you needed to do at the time. You got your son to the ER. And you did your best to save the marriage, to work things out. And then you did the most important thing.....you got you and your boys out of there. And you are still working on doing what is best for your sons, and for you too.

Try and let these flashbacks be something positive......a reinforcement that you did the right thing by leaving, that you may need to fight harder to separate the boys from an abusive father.

You know, the memories are there for your son, too, even if he was little. I'm so glad you realize that and he is seeing a pdoc and getting himself through this. And we WILL get through this!!!

extra hugs

Love,
Beagle

*hugs sweet pea*...i glad you felt you could share this story with us. my heart goes out to you and your children. please dont let things get to you too much. dwelling on the past will only make you feel worse. im here if you need to talk.
sniffles