There was a post here called the Glass Slipper. It was about one person trying to learn as much as he can about abuse to better understand me or any of us who have been abused. When I first read that post, it made me cry. He talks about how he would walk a mile in those shoes no matter how many time they are crushed and broken to keep learning and understanding. Because every wrong move, every wrong word, every trigger, be it from him or someone else, that glass slipper breaks into thousands of tiny shards.
Brings to mind:
"humpty dumpty sat on a wall, humpty dumpty had a great fall.... all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty together again."
My question I suppose, is how many times does the shoe have to shatter before the glue holds it together? There are days I am fine. Not great, not terrific, but okay. Nights still remain a problem. But there are times, even now, hearing things which are unintentiionally said to hurt me, like "good girl" which always meant to me, "You're gonna be a good girl now right?" I hate the fact that I let other stand in my way of doing what I want to do. I mentioned something to a friend of mine about somewhere I wanted to go, and a comment had then been made been made. I know there was no intention of harm, or distrust, I honestly know that, but I can't go anymore. I can't go because of this feeling inside. I can't go because its learned behavior. Yes, I need to allow myself to un-do this behavior -- hell its been three years in December since I separated from my ex. But even after three years, I still hold these thoughts in my head. Is it wrong of me not to go? Probably, I would have a good time. But I can't. I just can't.
The slipper shattered twice yesterday. By two different people. Right now, the anxiety and depression both are fighting back and forth. I have a trip for two weeks this Saturday to go on. I know everything in me is going to try and stop me from going. Why? Because its a step forward in my life that will not only change my life but my childrens. I am scared I know we'll be fine, we will be in good hands. But it is a fear so big in me to even try changing my life the way I intend to.
I feel foolish saying I am not going today to visit with some friends. So I guess I'll make it more into, I have a lot to do (which I do) before my trip. I have a four day weekend to finish everything I need to finish, one day already gone. So I will make my exuse and tell myself it is a good reason and perhaps that glass slipper will rebuild itself one more time.
I feel like an idiot. I feel like a child who let's others control her. And it's true. My one friend would say go... and did say GO and have fun. But when I heard the comment that was made last night by someone .... well, so much for that.... Home I will stay and I will regret it.
But life isn't full of have to's, it's about choices. And my choice is not to go and my choice it to try and find away to fix that shattered slipper, if I can.
Hugs,
Aisha