There are many types of abuse. One thing to me that they all have in common is the emotional shreading they inflict.



I grew up in a home of 2 parents and 5 kids. A typical home setting. Back in the day, it was acceptable to get a slap or get yelled at by mom or dad for doing something we weren't suppossed to do. I grew up respecting my Dad, as I do to this day. Did I deserve that whack on the ass for screwing around? Yup. Thats the way things were back then. A whack, not 47, not pummled. I'd get the "you'll little son of a bitch" from Mom. Ironic, I could never point out I was the "son" in that !

Being raised for what I consider "normal" back in the 70's ( I'm 38) I entered the world of adulthood. I went through different jobs like anyone. My last being one of 14+ years. I worked for a man that could not be satasfied. I worked hard and was a go to guy, yet still I was treated like crap. No matter my effort, it wasn't good enough. Arguements were something the owner thrived on. Name calling? Sure, that was there too. I was tiold I was useless, lazy, unreliable, didn't fix something fast enough, I got blammed for money lost because a machine broke through no fault of mine. Blame. Guilt.

Its a job I loved. The challenges were there. My creativity had a home. I was friends with the owner. He wasn't always a jerk. I know his kids, his mom and dad etc. His mood swings got worse over the years. Greed drove his mind. Asking for a 25 cent raise was like asking for a kidney from him. I'm a grown man, I don't need to be called an asshole. I didn't need to be told that unless I amount to something in life, I'll never meet a nice girl. I didn't need him using my anxiety againts me. "so, still on tranq's?" Ya know what? F**k you! He had a wonderful way of knowing peoples weaknesses and shoving them in thier faces.
Just before I divorced in 1997, I quit drinking beer. I had my share and had my fun. I quit because I wanted to. I stopped so I wouldn't drown in my sorrows. I was proud of myself. I used to drink a couple cases of beer a week. Self medicating. My mistake. So, in the owners eyes....I'm an alcoholic? Nice, he gave me another lable. I'd go to do electrical work at his house, or go to a gathering...."Hey Troy, We got beer in the fridge...Non alkie! " Ummm, no thanks. Sorry, I just enjoyed partying a whole bunch, now I don't anymore. A couple years ago, I re-wired a huge section of his million dollar home. Oh boy! A wet bar! Keg included. Of course I hooked it all up and poured myself a frosty cold beer. Ohh, the look was priceless from him! "Troy you really shouldn't". I told him, Ya know, you know nothing about me. I choose what I want. You assume that I'm doing something wrong. I'm tired of the condesending remarks, I'm tired of you holding shit over my head! I'm not your son, I'm far from stupid.
He was at a loss. I bitched him out in his own home.

For years I put up with his crap. 14 years of crap. Why didn't I leave? Why did I stay?

Anxiety and depression destroyed my self confidence. I filled my self with doubt. Anxiety was like an anchor.
Anxiety had me thriving on that 'excessive need of approval" and "perfectionisimn". My boss found every flaw, or changed things so it wasn't good enough or needed correction. I came home everynight fustrated.
It was a paycheck. It was permenet. So stay and put up with a moron?

I left on a sour note. I quit. I talked to everyone there before I left. Told them why I'm quitting. Basically fed up, thats all. I was close to a foreman there, Joe. I told Joe, I'm not going to say anything bad, nor do I care to. He was like a father figure to me. A good , honest, hard working man. He was fustrated just like me. I walked in the front office to say good bye to the secretarys I'd know for so long. Jaws dropped, one cried. I was the happy go lucky have fun kinda guy. A co-worker, another silly joker quit a month before me. Now, the silliness is gone. I walked out the door with a smile. Happy with my decision.

Its been over a year since that day, and still deep inside, I see the man I learned to hate. I took with me the knowledge that I learned there. Something He'll never have. I knew the factory better than anyone. The owner saw my Ex a few weeks ago and said he missed me and thinks about me all the time. First thought was...what a load of shit!. Never will I be dominated again. 2 weeks ago, I saw his wife. She told me i looked great. She told me she was glad that I moved on into something that would challenge my abilities.
She was right. The Challenge of the factory got boring. I fixed things with ease where others struggled. I did't flaunt that. I just did my job. What lacked was one of the most needed human emotions. APPRECIATION. Instead, names and critisimn. I wasn't singled out. It was company wide. I plan on going back this Summer to say hello. Why? Just to say, ya know what? I did it!

I have my own electrical business. I'm making good money. I have a wonderful girl friend. I'm doing things I never did before. My efforts pay off, not only in money, but in happiness. I feel good about me.

Emotional scars are still there. They will be for many years to come.

All I can say to him is "don't know what you've got until its gone"

He knows that now. Sucks to be him.

Never amount to anything , huh?
Never find a wonderful woman, huh?

I've found both of those things, and one he'll never have....true happiness.


I'm glad I waved goodbye to him!


I feel like I wasted so much of my life. Never again.

SillyBoyTroy, Sounds like things worked out for you in the end. I only wish you wouldn't have had to go through the emotional pain that you did. Good luck in the future.

Thanks!

I'm curious if anyone else out there gets stuck in a miserable job like I did. feeling trapped because of anxiety, depression etc.

((((((Troy)))))))

Good for you for taking steps to get out of an unhealthy job.

Some things to consider though.....which came first......the anxiety or the job? (to paraphrase a trite saying)

Lots and lots of us have had jobs we didn't like......I job hunted for two years before I found where I am now. It's the practical and wise thing to do to keep re evaluating where we work, who we work with etc. And when things in the workplace change we re-evaluate and sometimes the once perfect job is unbearable. I think about that every day in my situation. I work for a nonprofit where my "boss" is a volunteer board of directors.....new boss every year, some of whom are very difficult to work with and could probably fire me in a minute. How much do I want to put up with? And would quitting accomplish anything, or just set me up for financial ruin?

Your work situation sounds way past normal stress though. Your boss was downright nasty to you. But I understand that we don't always have the option to just quit! We sometimes make the choice to "live with it" or awhile, and that's not always a bad thing. You said it started out as the job you loved. Then it was HIS mood swings that got worse.

I guess what I'm trying to say, (((((Troy))))) it is seems to me that a lot of your anxiety may have been caused by the job. And while your anxiety may have been part of what kept you from quitting, It sounds like it was only a small part.

When we work in a place for a long time, when we have connections with the boss and other employees, when we like the work, when we put our hopes in the future in this "dream" job it's very hard to accept that it isn't going to work out. When there are bills to pay, children to support, we don't have the option of just "quitting" until there is at least some backup plan. That's just normal feelings, and responsibile actions.

Changing jobs is scary, risky. Maybe staying where you at least knew the job helped keep your anxiety under control while you learned the tools you need to cope with it. In other words, maybe the stability of the job (even one with a manipulative boss) is what you needed during those years.....to learn and perfect your trade, your skills, and to deal with your anxiety and depression. To just plain grow up, too! So maybe those years weren't wasted. You probably wouldn't have had the maturity and skills to have your own business 14 years ago.

That job accomplished a lot for you! Talk about the "School of Hard Knocks!" And now you took the good from it and built on it and have accomplished a lot for your self. Good job!

But (((((Troy))))) remember......you accomplished all those things for your OWN satisfaction and your family's needs......what the evil boss thinks is his problem......not yours!

Love,


Beagle

(((((((((((Beagle)))))))))))))) Thanks

I started the jon in 1991, and anxiety started in 1993. I had my first panic attack there. Joy. I couldn't aways get to 40 hours each week, some were horrible, others seemed ok. The first few years there I was titled stupendious man by co-workers for doing so much with so little, doing what others couldn't. I pushed wayyyy too hard for too long an burned out. Was I trapped there? In a way, by my choice, yes. Who would want someone who had trouble getting to work some days? Some days I would have a full blown attack trying to drive to work and stumble back home. A new employer would toss me quickly.I taught myself a ton of skills and applied them to my life. I decided to stay and face the stress, because no matter where i went, there would be stress there too. I learned to take the anxiety and use the energy as motivation. Adreniline to go faster....lol (quicker to crash and burn too...lol ) I took my time making my decision to leave. It was well thought out. I started my own thing with ONE job that has kept me busy for just about a year now, and should last another 6 months. A safety net. I can make my own hours too. That all but wipes out anxiety for me. The job I had before created ALOT of anxiety, and because of it, I learned to cope much more effectivly. I rebuilt self confidence and self esteem over a period of time. I spent the last year there waiting for the right time to come along for me to say good bye. Landing the job wiring 12 condos, and a house to wire as another job was the opening I was waiting for. It was in the workings, it was just a matter of time. I wouldn't quit out of anger. I was upset when I left, don't get me wrong, but i had a place to move on to and it improved my finacial situation greatly. Nothing but positives. I struggled through the 90's , working and also going to night school to bolster my career. It was a difficult thing to do, but I'm glad I did it. Its all been a part of me transforming into an improved person. One step at a time , one day at a time. I'm still learning until this day, and will be for years to come.

Can a boss destroy a good job?

Can a job create anxiety and depression?

Can a job cause phobias?

It did for me. Anyone else?


Thanks Beagle! take care

SBT

Emotional abuse........due to work..... This is a series of emails I wrote to the office manager which led to a major flip out because of things that went on during a course of about a week.

Mind you this all began with a schedule change because I needed to leave early once a week to take my son to the pdoc....




Her response:




Getting frustrated because I don't want her talking to them and creating problems......




MONDAY -- D-DAY -- This was after a confrontation in the office and I was continuously being shhhhh'd to lower my voice. I'd had it. I told my office manager everything ... what you are reading is a mild version.




Her response.....



This entire last month, I have done nothing but hate what I do. I have always loved my job. Trouble is, now nothing ever seems to be appreciated. Sure the office manager will acknowledge my work, but to the attorneys, to the associates -- we are nothing more than staff. Each Friday is "Happy Hour" so to speak in the main conference room -- for the ATTORNEYS. Not the staff, not the file clerks. We sit there like idiots, working while they go eat pizza, and drink beer because their day is done. Nothing but segregation to me. If I had could make it to next summer without working, I'd quit today. The saddest part is I love what I do. I love being a legal secretary or administrative assistant or whatever you want to call it. It's when you stop being acknowledged and appreciated and treated like a pee - on, that makes the difference. I told my boss on Tuesday -- I reemed him. Told him everything that bothered me. He told me, well, in a year, you'll be able to be in Massachussetts and you'll be very happy, because I just want the best for you. I told him, you know what sad -- is if I could leave now, I would. I dread work every day. I have headaches and migraines almost daily. It just isn't where I want to be. I've never had a job before, that made me dislike it because they make me feel inadequate and incapable and just plain old unappreciated.

Sad.



Oh, and by the way -- we got the call today -- the trial was declared a MIS-TRIAL.........

Sucks to be them.

Emotional abuse is often overlooked. I suffer from it but i try and deny it for a quiet life........but i know deep down that doesnt work either it just makes me more miserable. I tell the person how she makes me feel and she laughs at me. That says it all really.