Dear Father,
There's so much I need to know as a soon to be 19 year old girl would want, from her life absent father. I had always swore that if you showed up in my life, that id hit you and walk away. But recently, Im not so sure. I cant say that ill never forgive you for leaving me and my mom when i wasnt even fully created yet. Mom fails to give me the full story, I only know your name by fault of my own. I am a curious girl. and I must get that from you, as I know that it is not from her.its quite warm outside, In this smal town near where you and my mom first met. well, I assum so anyways. Maybe one day ill get all the answers from her that im looking for. and thats all I can get, because I see no future fortelling that youll come back, you probably have a full family of your own, and I dont want to ruin your life.

All I do know is that I want to know that you know you have a 19 year old daughter in this world. Who can smile when her boyfriend hugs her and says he loves her, who has a mom who occasionally tells her she would never make it, and brothers who take her things from time to time.
She has friends who are hardly there. with exception to the distant ones. who are there whenever she needs them. A girl who has many pipe dreams as well as hopes and dreams, of getting married, having kids, and making you a grandfather, without your knowledge.

I think its all to safe to tell you, that your daughter never had to sneak out of the house to hang out with her boyfriend, or to go to parties, or to go smoke weeds and do other irresponsible teenage things. I was never normal to them. I grew up in the projects, learnt that santa wasnt real at 9 (therefore leading to my knowledhge that the easter bunny was fake aswell), Ive been emotionally, mentally, and physically abused. I was called names, picked on, and beaten up for who I am. and with it camed a sence of not belonging.
I wore black, had a mohawk and listened to marilyn manson. but only after I sexually assulted by a immigrant when I was 15. It happened on canada day, July 1st, which is why csometimes, when I say I hate this country, that is part of my reason.

I straightned out after a while, shaved my mohawk off, kept my piercings to a minumim level, and joined cadets. I was a leader for younger kids. I fell in love, fell out of love, I was heartbroken,went through the relationship abuse, and fell in love agian, with a girl. only to fall out of love, and give up.

Thats when Syed came around (know as Deth to everyone). He taped up my heart, and holds it in his hand. He lives here ya know, with mom and me, and my two half brothers. he is a great person, and I hope that the past 6 months, will turn into the past 60 years. we already picked out names. 2 boys, 2 girls. Emily and Alexander is what we have so far.

I met Syed online. Met him in person when I went on a 3 month vacation from life in Quebec, learnt to speak french fluently, and then came home, after being home sick for so long. and I met him agian. I fell in crush with him the first time, and the second i knew I wanted to be beside him. I never told him that until feburary.

I work now, I got a job after graduating high school. (which I skipped btw). and Ive been there for 6 months.
time has seemed so short this past year, its amazing, my 19th birthday is in 5 months, but ive already drank beer, gotten drunk off vodka, and passed out because of unknown medical reasons.
ive seen my sister die, my best friend and boyfriend drink and smoke his life away, get arrested, go insane, have bouts of severe depression, and break my heart, twice.

where were you when I needed you to tell me about boys? When I needed you to be my dad, and beat up that guy for sexually assulting a CHILD, when he was 24 years old? where were you to force me to go to graduation? to see my first A+ on my report card? to see my kindergarden graduation?
to see my 8th grade graduation?

where were you to tell me that everything would be okay when mom got sick?
where were you, when I decided I never wanted to have kids, beacuse I didnt want them to grow up fatherless like me?

where are you now? who are you? are you married? do you have kids? do I have brothers and sisters I dont know about?

where will you be when I get married? when I have kids? when I buy my first house? when my kids first learn to walk?

I realise that this is just words on a site that you wont read. You were long gone after you found out my mom was pregnant. I ask you, if you didnt want me, Then why did you bother not keeping your pants on.
If you two didnt want me, then why do i still exist?

Out of all the things youve missed, and didst show up for, didnt bother hanging around for, and never taugh me about life. I still love you. Im still not sure why, but your my dad. Weither you wanted to be or not. Because in a lot of ways. Im like you.

Love always,
Your Daughter.

Im glad you got that out ((((((((((((((butterfly))))))))))))))))) i hope one day your dad hiomself can answer your questions.

I am sorry you had to live with that. I am glad you were able to write it out. Somday your dad will have to answer for not being there for you. Sad thing is , you may never get to hear it. Take care hun and I hope things work out for you.

(((((((((((((((butterfly))))))))))))))) Such a lot of pain you've had to go through hun I too hope that writing all this down you may find some peace, its his loss not being there for you and your mom. You write really well,

love,

flossy