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I'm sorry I made a bad decision 15 years ago
I'm sorry I slapped you in the face out of fear because of the threats you made to me
I'm sorry I married you when I wasn't ready because I was afraid to be alone
I'm sorry I coudln't be who you wanted me to be
I'm sorry I disrespected you
I'm sorry I talked back to you
I'm sorry I wanted friends other than you
I'm sorry I kept friends even when you said you marry your best friend, you don't need anymore
I'm sorry I went to lunch with co-workers when you said I can't
I'm sorry I went to lunch even with the co-workers we went out together with
I'm sorry I didn't call you every single day when I left work
I'm sorry I was five minutes late at times
I'm sorry I didn't manage the children the way you thought I should
I'm sorry I didn't shut up when you told me to
I'm sorry I didn't have the courage to walk away after you hit me
I'm sorry I let the neighbor leave without calling the police that day because she heard you yelling
I'm sorry I had to lie to the people in ER about cutting my hand
I'm sorry I didn't catch the tray you threw from the oven because I didn't appreciate it
I'm sorry I have a burn mark on my wrist from trying to catch that tray at all
I'm sorry I let my children see me cry on the corner of the floor in the kitchen
I'm sorry I fell asleep before you did
I'm sorry I didn't want to "do my duty" as a wife
I'm sorry I didn't know how to answer you when you asked me a question
I'm sorry I got angry when I disagreed
I'm sorry I made you call me those names
I'm sorry I tried to fight back
I'm sorry I tried to be like you and show you how it felt to talk how you did
I'm sorry I cry every time I hear the word cunt or slit or whore
I'm sorry I couldn't make you believe the real reason I lost my job
I'm sorry you thought I slept around during our marriage
I"m sorry you thought I flirted by just looking out a window or looking at a waiter to order
I'm sorry you thought I was a dumbass fucking bitch
I'm sorry you believed everyone but me
I'm sorry you got mad when I went to see a psychiatrist after you told me I should
I'm sorry you made me hate living with you
I'm sorry I couldn't smile and mean it
I'm sorry I had to take my son to emergency one time because he hit his lip on his bed
I'm sorry that everytime you were angry and told me you were leaving, I left work to come home
I'm sorry for getting mad because when I got home you were laughing
I'm sorry I couldn't make myself stop being afraid
I'm sorry when you got angry I ran from you
I'm sorry that I asked you to get it over with and just hit me
I'm sorry I didn't want to wonder when I would get hit
I'm sorry I felt I deserved to be kicked out of my bed because I fell asleep
I'm sorry I let you kick me in the stomach when I was 6 months pregnant
I'm sorry I let you throw my son at me because you "needed" to leave
I'm sorry I let you hurt my son
I'm sorry I ever let you spank him
I'm sorry I didn't call the police the first time
I'm sorry I was scared to death of you
I'm sorry when you said if you say one more thing I'll sock you, and you did
I'm sorry I told the doctor that day why I cried all the time
I'm sorry when I finally told you I was done you took every pill in the house to punish me
I'm sorry my son walked in on you when you did that
I'm sorry that the police were called to find you
I'm sorry you made so many more attempts on your life after I left with the children
I'm sorry you blame me for everything
I'm sorry you could look me in the eye and tell me get over it
I'm sorry I have to be the one to make excuses for you to the kids when you are in the hospital
I'm sorry that because of you I blame myself for being fucked up like I am
I'm sorry that because of you I blame myself for my son's memories
I'm sorry that because of you my son hates me
I'm sorry that because of you my son doesn't respect women because you didn't
I'm sorry that because of you my son thought it was okay to hit me
I'm sorry that becasue of you my son ran away from me twice
I'm sorry that because of you my son was found on the freeway trying to find you
I'm sorry that because of you my son needs to see a psychiatrist because he hurts inside
I'm sorry that because of you my children will never forget
I'm sorry that because of you they blame me for leaving
I'm sorry that I still keep you in my life
I'm sorry that I still let you trigger me
I'm sorry that I let you still see them on the weekends because of a promise and because they adore you
I'm sorry that I'm fucked up enough to allow that
I'm sorry that words, letters, phrases, songs, smells, looks can trigger me
I'm sorry that I still cry at night because of you
I'm sorry that you just don't get it
I'm sorry everyone here will probably think I'm an ass and possibly rip me up for letting you near me or my children
I"m sorry I let you in my life

But....because of you, I have two beautiful boys who will one day forgive me, who will one day heal and understand the why's and how comes and the "Thank God you left him" and that will be when it will be their turn to say Mommy we're sorry we didn't know. And I will look at them and tell them, I love them and tell them I did all I knew how and that now we are loved unconditionally by a man and his daughter who will never judge and never treat me or them the way we were treated by you.

(((((((Aisha))))))

I'm sorry that you went through all that!

I'm thrilled and proud that you were able to write that.....think of the people in a similar situation who will read it, and be inspired to do what you did.....to leave and take your life back!

Regrets.....ok, I'll let you have some regrets ((((Aisha))))) Hindsight is 20/20 and it's easy now to see things and say maybe I should have done it differently.....a little regret is ok.

But guilt no way.......there is NEVER NEVER NEVER and excuse to be treated with the violence you describe.

There is an ad campaign going on on in my city...on the back of the buses are pictures of young, strong, good looking men. And the slogan is "our strength is not for hurting" That's the way a MAN acts.

Thanks for sharing Aisha, and thanks for taking care of yourself and your children and breaking free...I admire your courage.



Beagle

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Aisha, the things you have listed, so many sorries. What you have gone through tears me apart. There is no excuse for abuse. none. I wish you never had to endure any of the things that you mention. Its effects still haunt you to this day. I'm glad I can be there for you to lend an ear on the phone. I read through your post and it seems endless in the ways how much abuse can affect you so much. I know all to well you could have written for days. Since I've met you i have learned so much. I see a woman of great courage and you are a person the never gives up. Your ex husband tried his best to control and destroy you. He failed. You are a person whom I admire and love. I won't use the words that he used. He is a classic abuser. Someday, I hope that he finds the help he needs.

On a different note, He is losing His Children. He may be seeing them now when his mind is "up to it" . Hes ablivious to the time with his kids. In my mind, hes a pile of shit for that. I once read an artical of how when abuse stops..... the abuser takes the role of playing the abused. He will lay blame on how you hurt him, how you took everything away. He will tell you that he still loves you. Who in thier right mind will say they love someone, yet hit them, call them a dumb ass bitch and show ZERO trust? Is that what a relationship is based upon? He wasn't happy unless he had total domination.

I'm proud of you leaving him. He will try and fill you with the guilt of taking his kids away, and just like the attempts on his life. More empty threats. He always want a reaction.

You are going to move 3000 miles away. Its up to him if he chooses to follow so He can see his kids. I don't agree with him seeing them, but its not my place to make that decision. It is yours and yours alone. I can only support you in that.

You have no reason to be sorry for anything. NOTHING. You could have done this or that? How can you when you are scared? You built up the courage, and you started on a new path to freedom. I'm proud of You!

((((((((((((Beagle))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((Troy))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Aisha)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((((((Aisha)))))))))))))))))
I went thru the same thing pretty much. I have all those 'sorrys' too. Neither one of us have anything to be sorry about. It wasn't your fault.

Im sorry that your feel you have to say sorry for anything. The wrong person is saying sorry. Nothing was your fault ((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))))

Aisha, I cried when I read this. I have so many of the same sorries, only have never put it into words. It was like reading about myself. Thank you for doing what I am unable to do. I applaud your courage.

((((((((((((((aisha))))))))))) As always i was truely moved by your post. I'M sorry you had to go through all of that ....noone should ever have to. and I am very proud of you,

love,

flossy

*trigger maybe*

((Aisha))))

When I read this I thought about my mom and what she went through with my father. It hasnt been till this last month that I actually opened my eyes to what she went through when she was still with my father and I blamed her a lot the last 2 years for leaving him. He did a lot of the same things that you wrote about.

If your kids need to talk--Just send me an IM and i will more than happy to talk with them.

Hope you are doing okay.

Amanda

((((((((((((Thank you all))))))))))))))

Your words mean a lot to me. It's hard not to really think about things. As much as we move on in our lives, there are always reminders, triggers, scents, looks, language .. . . it doesn't really ever go away.

Amanda, as far as my children go -- one is 7 and the other is 11. My 11 year old is going through a lot. They may not understand it now and may be confused, but in that respect they are in no way ready to even comprehend what has happened in my life with their Dad. They are too young to go into detail about the why's I left their Dad other than Daddy and I just had problems and sometimes its better that we stay apart -- it doesn't change the love we have for them.

One day they will read the things I wrote. When they are old enough. That day will come. And I will cry and they probably will too.

But thank you for the offer and thank you all for your support as well as everyone elses.

((((((((((()))))))))))))))))

Aisha