Note: Ficticious names or initials have been used to protect the innocent and not-so innocent.






















Earlier, I told some of you that I've been very stressed lately. Here are just a few of the things that have been running through my mind and memory.

I've done my damnedest to block as many of the details as I could; otherwise, I couldn't function at all. The time has come for me to admit and deal with the issues related to the things that happened with and because of "B." Most importantly, the time has come for me to vent and grieve.

GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!! How could I have been so gullible?! Why did I keep making excuses for the sorry bastard and keep going back to him time after time?

"B" used and abused me in every way I can think of. He stole money, slapped me across the face hard enough to leaving a handprint 3 hours later, lied, literally drug me around by my hair, raped me, exposed me to what I now know was crack, threatened to hurt my parents, hijacked my car, took me to places where my life was in danger, and the list goes on.

I stayed with this asshole off and on for 12 years!! I lost 12 valuable years 'cause I didn't learn my lessons fast enough. What was wrong with me that I refused to see things and people for what they were?!! I put everyone I loved in danger all because I didn't want to believe what people were saying about him!! God, how stupid of me!!!!!!!

He had no right to take advantage of me or the situations!!! He had no right to make me feel guilty when I didn't do what he wanted! He had no right to force me!

My thinking was soooo warped! I remember him driving my car and wondering just how much it would hurt to jump out of a car going down the road at 60 mph. I wanted to get away. I felt like a caged animal. I was too scared to stay in the car and too scared to jump! Was getting away from him at that particular moment worth dying for? I decided not to jump and just try to make it home alive. In the end...I made it home but with more emotional scars than I can count.

Ok, this is getting a little too deep and I'm starting to have flashbacks. I'll try to vent more at another time.


L

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Lace))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Lace))))))))))))))))

(((((((((Nobby TH))))))))))))))) Thanks guys.

L

(((Lace)))

Just wanted to let yo know that I am thinking about you and hope you are doing better now this is out of your system or at least some of it is.

Amanda

(((((((Sunny)))))))))) ty so much for the hug and kind words.

L

((((Lace))))

((((((((((((((lace)))))))))))))) I'm so sorry that you were subjected to all that hun. You did NOTHING wrong!!! And more important, you survived and look at you now. You are an amazingly caring, loving and supportive woman, one that i admire greatly. Be proud of yourself lace, you sure deserve to be.

love and good thoughts,

flossy

Lace, I'm sorry you have had to go throught things like this. You are not stupid nor are you gullible. NOBODY should ever have to deal with anything like that. My heart goes out to you. I send to you a zillion hugs!

Hmm. a little late for this post, by maybe a month, but oh well.

Anyways.... For starters you aint guillible, maybe a little bit needy, but gullible hell no. Sexond. This guy. "B" isnt an asshole. He is a full out fucked up dick. Who needs to be castrated, hung and left for the vultures in a desert. I hate People like this. They think they can take advantage of a beautiful person, but they are eventually gonna get themselves fucked.

But I agree with flossy, despite the stuff you have went through with this dick. You have turned out to be a great person. You love, and you help.

And I'm glad you didnt decide to jump outta that car. I woulda never gotten to know you well. Or at all. Depends on the timeline. ^.^"

Btw. I'm an asshole. That dick doesnt deserve the title!! Dennis Leary!!

Lace

We don't always see it right away - but the strength in us is in the surviving! It takes an extremely strong person to survive the horrible things that you went thru and still come out as the caring, nurturing person that you have become.

Don't sell yourself short on your qualities hun - you have walked a long and arduous road but you have reached the pavement part of it and are out the dirt. I'm not saying life is an easy road to live - but pavement is easier than a dirtroad.

Hold your head high - you have reason to Lace

kika

((((((((((((((((((Lace)))))))))))))))))))) You are right on one thing you DIDNT deserve any of it. But you are wrong thinking you stayed with him 12 years cause you didnt learn your lesson quick enough because im sure when it was right and safe to do so you got out of that situation and for that you should be proud

Lace,I'm going to guess that the reason you stayed with him for so long was because you had very low self-esteem.You probably blamed yourself for the way he treated you lots of times.He probably made you feel worthless and made you feel you deserved the way he treated you.He was a controlling,manipulative man.When you don't feel good about yourself,leaving is a scary thing.Financially,you may not have been able to support yourself.You probably figured you didn't deserve anything better.Don't be so hard on yourself.If you were a strong and self-confident woaman at the time,you never would have tolerated how he treated you.Men prey on helpless,dependent,and guilt ridden women.

(((((Cappy)))))))

Actually you're half right. I kept seeing him in the beginning because he wanted to change. I was the innocent little girl next door. I was never in trouble, didn't know anything about alcohol or drugs until I met him. In short, I was very very sheltered and didn't really understand what just how the drugs could change a person. My self esteem was ok enough to know that I was better off than he was.

Although we were never married/lived together, I just couldn't give up on him. So many others had and I wanted to help him and encourage him to get a different group of friends.

He didn't think I deserved the way he treated me. His thought process never went that far. All he could think about was getting what he wanted/needed. After years of being in the "relationship", my self esteem did drop...way down. At first, I didn't really see things as abuse. It wasn't until I had been away from him for a couple of years that I began to see things for what they really were.

What is odd is that about 3 years after I put an end to the relationship, I found out that he had a break down. I can understand now how the drugs and stuff played a part in what was going on in his life and our relationship.

It may sound odd but that whole experience with him was the beginning of me learning about my depression and what I could possibly be up against in my own bout with depression. As hard as it was to go through all of that, it prepared me for what was to come.

I guess the reality of it all is that NEITHER of us was what we should/could have been. We each contributed to the way things went in the relationship and when one of us (me) got strong enough to "do the right thing", each of us were given a brand new opportunity to start over with someone else.

Huggles,
Lace

((((((((((((((Lace)))))))))))))))

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

((((((((DW)))))))))))))) Thanks sweetie. I need all the help I can get. You are in mine as well.


Huggles,
Lace

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Lace,

I am so sorry I didn't see this post sooner. You and I talked once on the phone. You are far from stupid and in your voice I know you have dealt with things I am also familiar with.

You said you stayed with him in the beginning because he wanted to change. Bullshit. Hun, they all say that. I believed it too. They make you think they want to fix things, to make things right, only to build up your confidence and self esteem up "just enough" so they can pull that rug out from under your feet. In this case knock you on your ass.

You say he says he doesn't believe you deserved it? Then WHY? Because he only wanted what he needed -- so he didn't care about what he did. Did you deserve it, NO, but to him, if it got him what he wanted then hell yes, that is what he wanted you to believe and your self esteem, you soul, and your life were traumatized over and over and over again.

Do you know how many times I thought about jumping out of the car? God how many times that thought ran through my head. And you know what is ironic. He was so angry with me one day (with the children in the car) -- he yanked the steering wheel on the freeway to get to the shoulder. He did this many times with me, yanking the steering wheel. He didn't care if the kids were with us or not. I knew when he was going to do it to, so I gripped that wheel as tight as I could knowing it was coming. But one day he got out. Jumped out of the car. My oldest son, who was then maybe 6 crying and crying. All I could say was its okay. Daddy's coming back, he's just upset and he's not leaving us. What the fuck do you say to a little child when he sees that. And I went after him. Found him and finally got him back in the car. God how I wish I would have drove away. For myself and for the sake of my children. There were times I wish I just never came back home. Just drove and drove and drove. No destination in sight. I didn't care. I just wanted to get away.

My ex is the reason for my anxiety, depression, ptsd. He is much of the reason for my son's depression. And you know what Lace. He had a breakdown too. He attempted to take his life, not just once, but at least 3 or 4 times with I don't know how many visits in between. Once he was actually treated by pumping his stomach -- and it kills me everytime I think of it. The guilt, the blame I feel. But its all head games. "I'm depressed and down and just need someone to talk to," he'll tell me -- well ya know what -- what the fuck do you think I needed all those years.

You are right in the respect that neither of us were what we should or could have been. But it happened all the same. The hardest part for me is I still try to help him, because he is the father of my children and they adore him. I hate it. I hate that they care so much for him and I always tend to be the bad guy.

But Lace -- you NEVER EVER were stupid. There is blindness in love, if that is what it was. Hence the term, "love is blind." We don't see things until we are out of the situations we were put through. But I believe, as awful as it sounds, everything happens for a reason. Maybe to make us find our way to independence, to confidence, to self esteem, to freedom. Maybe to teach us that we are worth it. That we deserve to be treated like human beings, not animals. What is their reason? Maybe to realize what they lost by what they have done to the person they said they loved or cared for. Maybe to learn that there is such a word as equality. Maybe to learn that they were just fucking wrong.

Lace, you are a compassionate, wonderful person. I could tell by listening to you on the phone that night. How many people for a first meeting talk on the phone for about 4 hours????????

Don't ever think you deserved that treatment and don't ever think you are stupid. The trick now is to learn to move on and let go of the past. No, you won't forget -- but each day it will get easier for you, for me, for anyone out there who has been through an inkling of what you have been through. To find freedom.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))



Aisha

You still have my number if you ever need to talk -- you know me and my sleep patterns And if you don't remember, my IM is always on. I'm here if you want to talk Lace. I care and you are in my prayers.

(((((lace))))

Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you today. Hope things are going well.

Amanda