I wrote this after a series of events with my son. After this happened, I filed a report for suspicion of child abuse. The rest is all from memories, and simple daily routines, It is days like this that all I feel for me is disgust....

Please God Don’t Tell Me...
Written by Aisha

I lie here on a bed, it is not even mine,
It belongs to my son, where I hope to feel fine.
There are days that I lie here,
Day in and day out,
Finding it near impossible not to scream or to shout.

The life I was used to haunts me even still,
Wishing it was only me that could feel its chill.
For fourteen years I let it go,
Blinding myself I did not even know.

Believing change would happen just once, maybe more,
Believing my husband could be one I adore.
I cried and I hurt, the pain only grew,
For hitting and pushing were all that I knew.

As time went on, and life became worse,
Making stories up to protect my curse.
The bruise on my eye must have been from a bat,
playing with my kids, would people believe that?

The bruised or cracked ribs, what could I say?
I fell down the steps from the rain’s slippery way.

A sprained ankle once or twice, as I sat their with ice,
How clumsy could I be, I would make it sound nice.

How many times I feared my nose was broke?
I called in sick, the swelling no joke.
“I don’t feel well, I am sure it’s the flu,”
Did they believe me then that my story was true?

The strength and courage finally came,
to say goodbye, to end this game.
Yet what I have found, is this game I played,
Without my consent even when I prayed –
Continues to hurt, and to haunt me still,
Where is the will to allow me to heal?

All of these thoughts have now changed their tune,
It is not me I worry of, it all happened too soon.
Perhaps I am wrong and I just didn’t see,
How my marriage would effect more than just me.

He bragged of his love and respect for his sons,
But if that was the case, there would be no re-runs.

I picture my life and I know what I felt,
but now I see something else, could it have been a belt?

My son and I had a fight that day,
Because on the weekend his father did say,
that he was stupid, for this, or stupid for that,
taking it out on me, trying to knock me flat.

So instead of a fight, I called his dad,
Wishing to God that I never had.
I told him to come and take his son,
To fix the damage that he had done.

When they returned, my son’s dad said I know,
How strong my son is because he put on a show.
He fought his dad with all of his might,
Something he had never done up until that night.

When his dad told me this, part of me was glad,
That he finally realized how he was to me, when he’s mad.

But then came the talk of a spanking he got,
As I shook my head feeling my body got hot.
For it wasn’t with a hand, but instead with a shoe,
and no part of my son’s butt was NOT black and blue.

I called him back when I saw what was done,
Asking him while he did it, did he think it was fun?
My mind keeps on wondering how many times was he hit,
Did he cry, did he wince, he could not even sit.

I took pictures of my boy to send to his dad,
Explaining to him no more chances he had.
He cried and he wept, not believing what he did,
Wanting to be free of the guilt that he hid.

My son ran away just the other day,
He was found jogging on the freeway by an officer that day.
He wanted to find his dad, he missed him so.
So without me or anyone, he decided to go.


Dad still being the hero, I cannot understand,
My son thinks he deserved, the beating at hand.
His dad said no more would he hit with a shoe,
But seemed to believe this was nothing new.
He said if my son did something wrong, once again,
He would still use his hands to spank him again.

I don’t understand, how he thinks he is right,
And because of this, I could have lost my son to the night.

My concern for ME now seems far away.
The eyes of my son will open I pray.
To know what is right and know what is wrong,
I pray to the Lord it will not take so long.

For fourteen years, I still hurt when I think,
Please God don’t tell me, nine years must he wait.

(((((((Aisha)))

The subtle manipulation and control of an abusive husband is vicious. I'm seeing it in so many people I know here and IRL, and have over the past many years. He is still using you----making you guilty, hurting your son to get to you.

But it takes a STRONG and intellegent woman to leave........and YOU did that and should be proud. Now keep moving on, keep with the authorities, do whatever you have to do not just to protect your son, but to help him heal. You know in your heart that it is the only thing you can do.

My thoughts are with you ((((((Aisha)))))). Life just isn't fair sometimes

But you are doing the right wonderful strong hard thing........you WILL get past this!

Take care,

Love,
Beagle

wow (((((((((((((Aisha))))))))))))))))) That was really powerful i hope the new life your planning works out well for you in happiness for you and your son

oh (((((((aisha))))) my heart hurts for you and your son. I see you as a very strong woman who loves her kids with a fierce and protective heart, and i will keep on saying it ........ i admire the heck out of you for leaving him and being an amazing, supportive and understanding mom.

love,

flossy

Please God don't tell Her:

With a wisper through the trees , making leaves dance about
Revelation of serenity shall be cast about
For the wind holds a message for Aishas ear
She will be set free, her path made clear
Control will cease to remain in her way
As the sun rises on this God blessed day
Perched on a rock, her lover by her side
Wiping away all of the tears that shes cried
The oceans surf crashing over the rocks with a twist
Seagulls floating by in the maritime mist
Questions will be answered, happiness will be there
A hand to hold by a man who truely does care
Watching the beach as troubles go out with the tide
A sense of relief is now filling her inside
The sun rises over the ocean, instead of decending as before
3000 miles away is where all the promises are stored
Sitting upon granite, weathered and smoothed
Guilt and control will finially be removed
I'll be the rock for which you can cling
Happiness returning, your heart will sing
On the beach there is something I treasure, 2 little boys
As they run around silly making too much noise
They'll be part of my family, package deal you see
Escaping the 'hero' that couldn't let things be
Ruling with a fist, a so called man in his own mind
I'd look him in the eyes, walk away , leaving him behind
Never shall I lower myself to his ways of control and fear
For my heart belongs to you Darling, my dear
Hands are for holding, not for hitting out of rage
Life is about to change, together we will write a new page
Each day will be new, another page added to our life
The headline reading "happiness of being troys wife"
Freedom is granted, love too shall flow
No longer filled with fustration and woe
Simplistic are my ways, as you know oh so well
I think of your past as my eyes begin to swell
Too many tears have traveled down across your cheek
So many memories, to many of which to speak
My way is to not bury the past
But to create a future, forever it'll last
So as I reach for your hand, hold it so we never do part
Holding my hand is you touching my heart
I don't expect perfection, for my head is honest and clear
Working together, each day our hearts will grow near
Becoming one, beating together intertwined
I will be your husband, and a role model for two
Helping them through life is something I'll do
I'm not out to play Dad, for I don't want that at all
I just want to be me, and catch them if they fall
Loving them as my own, just I love you as well
Walk the beaches with me, looking for that big shell
Feel the wind in your hair, smell the ocean breeze
The short trip home enjoy the green of the trees
You have left a house of hatread, one soon far behind
Entering a HOME is what I have in my mind
One of forgivness and understanding, hugs and lots of love
The words of the the wind, blowing through the trees above
Fragile minds, and broken souls, will start over new
Yesterday will become history as I begin my day with you.
Fly to the east, an oasis to find much needed rest
Snuggle up close an place your mind upon my chest
Security replacing second guessing, confidence we'll construct
Casting away guilt, into comfort you'll be tucked
No longer feeling shame or mistrust, no more being alone
As you hear the door open.....Honey I'm home


Life will always hold hope, and the future is still to be written. One step at a time, one day at a time. Together we will face the adversities that may try to burden our dreams. But both of us are stronger than we think..... We will overcome anything, everything. Even if everything we have is taken away one thing will always remain......
LOVE

(((((((((Aisha)))))))))))))

Forever yours, SBT


1 corinthians 13: 1-13


If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

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((((((((((((((((((((((beagle)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((((((((sami)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((flossy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((troy))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you so much for your support. Things have been tearing up my thoughts lately. The poem I wrote was because of something that happened not quite a year and a half ago, but it is how I was feeling when I posted it a few days ago. Everything just flooded back in because of a conversation on the phone with him. I was angry and he just kept going. Telling me how I should be and what I should do with the kids and how they don't do these things when they are with him. I was angry. I told him I didn't want to talk -- I had to go study, I was exhausted, in a foul mood and that if he wanted, he could go sulk, cry, be upset, angry, happy, I could give a shit, but I need to do what I need to do. At that point he hung up. I wish I had been the one to hang up first. The worst part is later that night, I text messaged him and said "I do not want to talk. Sorry about the phone call." Why in the hell do I keep it up. I feel bad, I feel guilty, I feel like I was wrong when I know inside I wasn't. In some stupid way, I just didn't want him to feel like I always did. The fact was my son was acting up. Badly ... he was mad and angry and taking it out on everyone and he refused to talk to his dad. I told my ex, that I'm not gonna hang around holding a phone to someone's ear when all that will happen is my hand will be pushed away and he will try to hang up. I was upset, on edge, so extremely frustrated with my son, and then for my ex to tell me how I should be acting and how I need to calm down and BREATHE. I told him don't talk to me like I'm fucking five. Things just escalated and I felt the need to defend myself. Things weren't just physical, they were verbal and emotional. Head games. Always head games. I let him. I let him because of the guilt I still feel. December 5, 2003 is when I left. My divorce was final August 18, 2004. I filed everything. I am a legal secretary so I did it all. I hatd myself for doing it. I cried every time I signed something. I cried when I filed, I cried when I packed my stuff up, I cried when I left.... and I still cry. I still remember. My mother told me last night I should have hung up a long time ago. I told her I was going to. She said I let him do this to me all the time. I said, it is who I am. I try to fix things. So I don't feel the guilt. I told her you don't get it. You think after 14 years of learning wrong things, it's supposed to be fixed right after I leave. She said you want to get into it? I said think about it -- 14 fucking years, she actually said I've come a long way. Then I said look at whta it has done to my son and look at what he's been through and what he is going through. He feels guilt too. He gave a glass of water to daddy and while he was standing there with me, his daddy threw it at me. He brings that up sometimes. "If I hadn't given Daddy the glass, Mommy would still be there." He's said it many times. And I still have those pictures. Still to this day I have them. I have them hidden so far in a stack of things because all I can do is cry when I see them. And yet, I allow them to see him? And I feel guilty for wanting to move away with them? And I know I will hate myself and that they will hate me as well when I do move. They still adore their dad. I asked my older son, would he want to move to Massachussetts one day, he said -- hmmm, yah, I guess. We talked a bit about it, and then he said, "but what about Daddy?" All I could say was there is always summer vacation or easter vacation or christmas vacation. He said but that is a lot of money. I told him it was my choice to save the money so they can visit their father. I promised their dad long ago that I would NEVER take his children from him. Over and over I hear those words in my head. And everything in me feels that guilt for wanting to leave here with my children. I told my ex a while after we separated that I will eventually be moving to MA. He said if that is a place where they will learn and be the best they can be, then go. I don't know what he would say now. Everytime something goes wrong, he is in the hospital again. Depressed or wanting to kill himself..... another headgame???? To make me feel guiltier than shit because of what I want to do to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be respected and I deserve a life without fear. I don't have that hear. And as long as I stay here I never will. I have sole and legal custody of my children. If I want to leave I can do as I please. If he tried to fight me on it, he would not win. All the hospital stays, all the attempts, he hasn't worked for almost a year. Yet still.....STILL.... the guilt lies with me. I've always tried to be the better person. The forgiving one, the caring one. I have teenagers that still IM me telling me they wish they had a parent like me who cared and understood them like I do. I have friends that tell me, they are lucky to have me in their life and that I deserve the best. I am constantly being reinforced about everything good, yet I still feel everything bad. There are days when I feel good. And sometimes, I hate myself so much for caring and helping this person who hurt me. My other friend called it co-dependence. I hate that term. I hate it so much. But is it not true? I am always bailing him out. Always. I give him money when he has the kids just so he can take them out to eat or go somewhere with them. I have paid his phone bill so he can call them when he wants. And to be very honest, it is so hard right now, not to call him. It's been about 2-1/2 years almost since I left. And will be two years in August since our divorce is final. I am sick of this. I am tired of the guilt, but I don't know how to make it go away. I am back to a place where I am afraid to go to sleep at night again. When I fell asleep first, he would get angry, if he was upset and I fell asleep, he would kick me off the bed and tell me to get the fuck out of the room. Or he'd throw something at me and tell me go to fucking sleep then you stupid ass fucking bitch. It made me afraid to sleep. To fall asleep first.

Now I have someone special. I tell him everything I feel. He tries so hard to understand me. He knows when to back away. He knows when I tell him I dont' want to talk anymore, that I mean it and he says okay and that he loves me. Every night we talk on the phone. He'll say let's cuddle even though we're 3000 miles apart. I have my head phones on and listen to him sleep. I rarely fall asleep before him at night. Habit. Fear. He knows that when he tells me come snuggle and I say I don't want to be touched (seems strange from so far away, but sometimes it feels like we are together) he'll say can I sit by you then. He has been my rock. He says that this fortress I've built, sometimes there are bricks that come down, that I let down or that he has taken. He says no. I have handed them to him. His daughter gave me a locket for christmas. On the front it said "Mom" Even she loves me. I have so much waiting for me. And it hurts to know I can't be there yet. I have my reasons and they are understood. My children and I will be going to visit for two weeks in July. It has been long awaited. It scares me some because the last time at the end of August when I went, I crashed. And I crashed hard. The separation anxiety, the depression, was so unreal. Was so traumatic for me. I spent more time on that trip worried about how many days I had left with him, than how many days I have had with him. It will be hard again. Harder than before. Every time the goodbyes are worse. The feelings for each other are stronger.

I have a life ahead. One I want. One I need and one that my children need, even if they don't see it now. One day I'll know when the day will be when I will finally go. And I will learn what it is like to be somebody again.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

One day I will believe that.

((((((((((((Troy))))))))))))

Thank you all for your support of me. Thank you for listening to me. And thank you for being you.

Aisha

((((((((((((((((((((((Aisha)))))))))))))))))))))))))

You can do this...

You have the strength in you to get through it, even if it may seem hopeless at times.

Aisha

There isn't much more I can say than what has already been said. Even though these events happened awhile back, doesn't mean they aren't still part of you and your sons' lives today. You are healing now, and have the strength to get yourself healed - and help your boys to heal from not just the pain, but the confusion that goes along with having an abusive parent that says he loves you.

Take care of yourselves and your boys, you can all make it out of this confusion.

kika

Lots of hugs hun. Stay strong. You can do this. My prayers are with you.

You know I've spent almost an hour reading through this thread. My son has been having a very hard time lately. He's seeing a psychiatrist once a week now. We've had so many bad days. I was browsing the forum and came across this poem I wrote. All I could do was cry.

Talk about a rush of emotions I wish to God that my son could just let go of the rage inside him. At times he is okay. Other times there is so much anger. Violence has been a problem at school with him lately. A bully. My son He's hit other children, punched them, kicked them. Not hard from what I hear from the teachers and school psychologist and principal, but enough to matter.

How do you get a child who has seen so much and heard so much to understand what he is doing now is so wrong? He talks to my mother and me with such disrespect and to be honest, there are times I am afraid to say anything because all it does is make things worse. There are times when I am that adult and try to be that authority to discuss or ground or explain WHY..... most times it goes unheard. A barrier is put up. He can't hear me. He brings up things of the past or he brings up things I do, not what the discussion is about. I try so hard to keep bringing him back to the issue. But there are so many times that I am just simply afraid. I don't think he's at a point anymore where he would try to hit me, but he is at a stage where he can be very destructive and he could very easily take out his anger on his younger brother. A few weeks ago, I took my younger son out of the room to sleep in my bed because I was afraid my son might try to hurt him. I left him under his bed as he kicked the wooden planks underneath his bed. I just said I'm done for the night, you don't want to listen, and I need to get some sleep too. I walked out with my younger son and went to my room. My mother told me about an hour later that the minute I left, he got out of under his bed and lied down. He was out in mere minutes. So much exhaustion from his behavior. I finally did take my other son back to his room.

How sad is it to be afraid of your own child? I have done all I know how. Even his pdoc tells me that. "You are doing everything you should. Some parents don't even care." Well it doesn't take the fear away. It doesn't take the hurt away that I can't help my son. And it doesn't take the fear away that he is going to turn into his father. I am moving in a year. He will have a new father figure in his life. A good role model. Even the pdoc says it is something he needs. But I am still scared. I love my son and I hate that he is living his life so confused and angry. He learned so many wrong things from his father. So many things I fear that cannot be salvaged. I love my son. I love both of my sons. I just want them to be happy. Is that too much to ask?


Aisha

(((((((Aisha)))))))

QUOTE

I have done all I know how. Even his pdoc tells me that. "You are doing everything you should. Some parents don't even care."

Hold on to that thought....hold it very very tight! It will help your brain realize you are doing the right thing.

now......that doesn't take away the fear completely. Our hearts aren't always connected to our brains! But it should help ease the fear because there is hope for him....because you are doing the right things, and are getting him professional help, he WILL improve. Unfortunately doing the right thing doesn't have immediate results....but long term....you are saving him.

Even so-called "normal" kids (especially pre teens and teens) don't listen to what their parents say, especially about right and wrong. At least not at the minute we talk to them. But they do HEAR us, and they learn from example. So again...you are doing the right things. I think on one level your son understands what you tell him, knows how he behaves is wrong. He just doesn't have the control yet to keep his anger in check

He has a lot a lot of issues to deal with. And he is at a rough age to begin with!

Keep doing what you are doing! Keep working with his doc to get advice on how to handle him (I know you are doing that....just a reinforcement) If something isn't working get back to the doc, re-think the plan if needed.

and lots of hugs ((((((((((Aisha))))))))) It's hard to watch our kids hurt so much. Can I say it one more time.....you are doing the right thing!

Keep us posted!

Love ya,

Beagle