Speaking as someone who was molested as a child, in a horribly abusive relationship for 4yrs (physical, sexual and mental) and raped as a teen, I often find myself wondering..how do these experiences affect me now? Has all of these things become a part of me? How do I let them go?
Somedays, its as if none of these has ever happened to me. I have many joyful times. I also have many unhappy times. Is my depression and anxiety caused by these events? Am I traumatized to some extent? Maybe, maybe not. I do know that I am not a very trusting person. I let ppl only so close to me then I either back off or make them back off by subconciously playing games with them. The crazy thing is, I seem to let bad ppl closer to me. Hmmm..is it because I don't feel I deserve to be around or with good ppl? Perhaps. I really have no concrete answers to my questions nor do I really expect any.
So here comes the question...what ways can we find to end the pain? Sure, we can go to therapy and/or take meds, but what other ways? What about just letting go? People say to forgive their attacker/attackers and that way you can let it go. I figure forgiveness is divine and divine is God. I am not God so I'll give it to Him to forgive then I can move on. We do not deserve to let abuse/rape ruin our lives. Our attacker/attackers do not deserve to have a hold on us forever. We are human beings who deserve a decent chance at life. Good times and bad times, not clouded with all this muck. I for one am ready to move on, to set my mind and heart free of blackness. I don't need it anymore and neither do you!
Why am i rambling on about this? I don't know..just doing some thinking today. I guess I want ppl to know that there is hope, there is a time to let go and there is a time for life.
Full Version: Moving on from the pain
(((((Jayme))))))
good thinking hun
I know you arent really looking for answers to any of those thoughts her, but i just had one thing i wanted to comment on.....you wonder whether you let bad people closer to you becasue you feel you are not worthy of good people........well im not sure it actually comes down to that. I feel it is more likely that you just know what behaviour to expect from bad people, you are familiar with it and can 'deal' with it because you have had to before. Good people being nice to you is still an unknown and you are suspicious of something you dont know well...you are always worrying that the shoe will drop from the other foot, so to speak. Its hard to trust that good people have good intentions and that they will last. Its much easier to recognise the bad eggs and their patterns of behaviour if you have experienced it all before.
Its true what they say...women who have been dominated/abused/battered by their fathers are much more likely to find themselves with a husband or partner in the same mold, though of course not by choice.
Brit xxx
good thinking hun
I know you arent really looking for answers to any of those thoughts her, but i just had one thing i wanted to comment on.....you wonder whether you let bad people closer to you becasue you feel you are not worthy of good people........well im not sure it actually comes down to that. I feel it is more likely that you just know what behaviour to expect from bad people, you are familiar with it and can 'deal' with it because you have had to before. Good people being nice to you is still an unknown and you are suspicious of something you dont know well...you are always worrying that the shoe will drop from the other foot, so to speak. Its hard to trust that good people have good intentions and that they will last. Its much easier to recognise the bad eggs and their patterns of behaviour if you have experienced it all before.
Its true what they say...women who have been dominated/abused/battered by their fathers are much more likely to find themselves with a husband or partner in the same mold, though of course not by choice.
Brit xxx
((((((((((((((jayme))))))))))))))))))
I admire all of what you said. I have been having a hell of a time lately. I always told myself I can forgive my ex husband, but I will never forget. But is this true? I don't know that anymore. I see myself now, lost, triggered, scared. I was doing okay -- but go through spells of just bad thinking. When I look for answers, they all go back to him. My parents never abused me, and why I let someone else do it I don't know. Brit is right. Although I haven't had a relatiionship with anyone since my marriage except for Troy who is so far away, I can understand why we would look for someone with the same characteristics as our abusers. It's what we are used to, not that we are not good enough to be around good people. The mystery behind someone who treats us well is scary as hell. It took me a long time to let Troy in. And even now, I still try to push him away because I get scared. I get scared that he will change or he will get tired of me. He always reassures me.
To err is human, to forgive is divine. To err in a way that is abusive in the way you have just described is not human. To forgive is divine? I have known many people forgive their abusers saying that perhaps they have problems too that they cannot help -- disorders of their own sort and that too need help. But I guess being able to forgive is up to you, and only you. For you to say to forgive is divine and divine is God so let him forgive them and let you move on..... I have never quite heard it put that way before. It does make sense to me.
I feel sometimes I am the one at fault if I do not forgive him, but I see myself now as someone that is not me. Do I forgive him..... I don't think so anymore.
I am glad you are able to move on and I am glad you posted this. Keep believing in the hope you have. It will bring you life.
Aisha
I admire all of what you said. I have been having a hell of a time lately. I always told myself I can forgive my ex husband, but I will never forget. But is this true? I don't know that anymore. I see myself now, lost, triggered, scared. I was doing okay -- but go through spells of just bad thinking. When I look for answers, they all go back to him. My parents never abused me, and why I let someone else do it I don't know. Brit is right. Although I haven't had a relatiionship with anyone since my marriage except for Troy who is so far away, I can understand why we would look for someone with the same characteristics as our abusers. It's what we are used to, not that we are not good enough to be around good people. The mystery behind someone who treats us well is scary as hell. It took me a long time to let Troy in. And even now, I still try to push him away because I get scared. I get scared that he will change or he will get tired of me. He always reassures me.
To err is human, to forgive is divine. To err in a way that is abusive in the way you have just described is not human. To forgive is divine? I have known many people forgive their abusers saying that perhaps they have problems too that they cannot help -- disorders of their own sort and that too need help. But I guess being able to forgive is up to you, and only you. For you to say to forgive is divine and divine is God so let him forgive them and let you move on..... I have never quite heard it put that way before. It does make sense to me.
I feel sometimes I am the one at fault if I do not forgive him, but I see myself now as someone that is not me. Do I forgive him..... I don't think so anymore.
I am glad you are able to move on and I am glad you posted this. Keep believing in the hope you have. It will bring you life.
Aisha
(((((((((((((((((((Jayme))))))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((((All)))))))))))))))))))))
I, too, was in abusive relationships most of my life. In one form or another, I was mistreated. Now that I am older, I refuse to tolerate it, period. Actually I refuse to tolerate it so much that it is carried to an extreme. One hint of conflict and my bags are packed and I am gone.
Sometimes I feel as if I can forgive. The rest of the time I was to shake someone til their teeth fall out. I was barely more than a baby when my abuse began. It stayed that way thru multiple abusers.
The old saying "forgive and forget" may be a good one. I try to forgive, but I won't ever forget. After all, those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, right?
(((((((((((((((((((((All)))))))))))))))))))))
I, too, was in abusive relationships most of my life. In one form or another, I was mistreated. Now that I am older, I refuse to tolerate it, period. Actually I refuse to tolerate it so much that it is carried to an extreme. One hint of conflict and my bags are packed and I am gone.
Sometimes I feel as if I can forgive. The rest of the time I was to shake someone til their teeth fall out. I was barely more than a baby when my abuse began. It stayed that way thru multiple abusers.
The old saying "forgive and forget" may be a good one. I try to forgive, but I won't ever forget. After all, those who fail to learn from the past are doomed to repeat it, right?
(((((((((TH, Jayme, Aisha))))))))
Terrible things you have gone through---and come out stronger!
My thoughts on forgiveness......that means to get past it, not dwell on the past and get on with things for your sake, don't let the abuser keep hurting you.
It does NOT mean excusing the actions, saying it was OK, or blaming yourself for his deeds. The act of forgiveness (which is terribly hard to do) frees YOU to move on. It doesn't mean putting you must put yourself back in danger.
There are cases where people forgive mistakes and rekindle the romance or friendship. Every situation is different. But it is not a requirement to forgive to pretend that nothing ever happened. We have the intelligence to take steps to protect ourselves. Good for you for doing that!
Take care and thanks for posting and sharing!
Beagle
Terrible things you have gone through---and come out stronger!
My thoughts on forgiveness......that means to get past it, not dwell on the past and get on with things for your sake, don't let the abuser keep hurting you.
It does NOT mean excusing the actions, saying it was OK, or blaming yourself for his deeds. The act of forgiveness (which is terribly hard to do) frees YOU to move on. It doesn't mean putting you must put yourself back in danger.
There are cases where people forgive mistakes and rekindle the romance or friendship. Every situation is different. But it is not a requirement to forgive to pretend that nothing ever happened. We have the intelligence to take steps to protect ourselves. Good for you for doing that!
Take care and thanks for posting and sharing!
Beagle
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((everyone))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
this is why i am afraid of life
good luck to everyone
and again lots of hugs...
this is why i am afraid of life
good luck to everyone
and again lots of hugs...
((((((((((((((((Amizon)))))))))))))))
Oh hun, don't let this make you afraid of living! Yes, sometimes bad things happen, but this is not the norm.
Oh hun, don't let this make you afraid of living! Yes, sometimes bad things happen, but this is not the norm.
One thing that has helped me on this journey to reclaim the lost parts of myself....those that were lost through sexual abuse and physical trauma...is the idea that if you were to look over your life and really make a timeline you might see that those traumatic events were only a very small part of your overall existance.
And even if you spent a big part of your life in abusive situations there were many more moments that we tend to put in the background; a smile from someone you didn't know, taking a walk and finding a treasure, smelling flowers, reading a good book (or post), finding a website that allows you to express your pain in a supportive environment, a hug from a friend, eating a good meal, a good nap, a long cry, snuggling up with a pet, stuffed animal, lover, friend etc. etc. etc.
Sometimes our trauma seems overwhleming, like its the only thing that we have ever experienced, or that it is the only constant thing in our lives...but in reality we are so much more than that. When we can really truly look back and find those precious moments that we forgot about we can shift the power of our own thoughts from those of our trauma to those of our belssings.
It is said that trauma creates an actual groove in the brain, and that positive experiences create a myleination that covers up the groove - like a bandaid-. Go out and find those positive moments, don't worry if they are big or small. Smiling at a sunset and truly taking in the experience is just as meaningful as doing a good deed, or finding a loving relationship. When we can learn to slow down and replace our trauma driven anxiety with peaceful moments and reflections we can literally change the structure of our brains which can allow us to let in new positive experiences.
We deserve our peace! We deserve to let those good experiences and people into our lives. It is difficult to change our perceptions of ourselves and our trauma....but it is possible and this community of people are amazing in their strength, empathy, compassion and support.
Keep posting hon. Keep reaching out. Keep reconnecting to the beauty of your life and rather than seeing the process as a letting go....see it as a building up. The trauma will always be there, but we can cover it up with new experiences...
This may be a morbid way to put it...but I always imagine the trauma buried in a grave, covered by life giving earth and flowers that those who care about me plant into the soil. The gravestone is a record of my trauma, a memorial to what I have gone through, but also a statement about my life; my courage, my relationships; my willingness to move through and beyond...what people see are the beautiful flowers, the gifts of those who have loved me. The trauma will remain below, but the flowers and those who visit to show me their love will change over the years. Soon the trauma will decay. It will become a part of the life giving earth and will transform into life, love and energy.
I haven't posted in a long time, but I just wanted to respond in my own way to your post.
Loving thoughts and support!
psyche
And even if you spent a big part of your life in abusive situations there were many more moments that we tend to put in the background; a smile from someone you didn't know, taking a walk and finding a treasure, smelling flowers, reading a good book (or post), finding a website that allows you to express your pain in a supportive environment, a hug from a friend, eating a good meal, a good nap, a long cry, snuggling up with a pet, stuffed animal, lover, friend etc. etc. etc.
Sometimes our trauma seems overwhleming, like its the only thing that we have ever experienced, or that it is the only constant thing in our lives...but in reality we are so much more than that. When we can really truly look back and find those precious moments that we forgot about we can shift the power of our own thoughts from those of our trauma to those of our belssings.
It is said that trauma creates an actual groove in the brain, and that positive experiences create a myleination that covers up the groove - like a bandaid-. Go out and find those positive moments, don't worry if they are big or small. Smiling at a sunset and truly taking in the experience is just as meaningful as doing a good deed, or finding a loving relationship. When we can learn to slow down and replace our trauma driven anxiety with peaceful moments and reflections we can literally change the structure of our brains which can allow us to let in new positive experiences.
We deserve our peace! We deserve to let those good experiences and people into our lives. It is difficult to change our perceptions of ourselves and our trauma....but it is possible and this community of people are amazing in their strength, empathy, compassion and support.
Keep posting hon. Keep reaching out. Keep reconnecting to the beauty of your life and rather than seeing the process as a letting go....see it as a building up. The trauma will always be there, but we can cover it up with new experiences...
This may be a morbid way to put it...but I always imagine the trauma buried in a grave, covered by life giving earth and flowers that those who care about me plant into the soil. The gravestone is a record of my trauma, a memorial to what I have gone through, but also a statement about my life; my courage, my relationships; my willingness to move through and beyond...what people see are the beautiful flowers, the gifts of those who have loved me. The trauma will remain below, but the flowers and those who visit to show me their love will change over the years. Soon the trauma will decay. It will become a part of the life giving earth and will transform into life, love and energy.
I haven't posted in a long time, but I just wanted to respond in my own way to your post.
Loving thoughts and support!
psyche
((((((Psyche)))))
Thank you for a beautiful post. What a good way of looking at things. I particularly like the grave analogy (no, I don't find it morbid at all) New and good things coming up for you, while the bad decays.
That's wonderful. And the way I do believe things happen, even if we can't always see it right away.
I hope we see more post from you.
Thanks for a dose of hope! I needed that.
Love,
Beagle
Thank you for a beautiful post. What a good way of looking at things. I particularly like the grave analogy (no, I don't find it morbid at all) New and good things coming up for you, while the bad decays.
That's wonderful. And the way I do believe things happen, even if we can't always see it right away.I hope we see more post from you.
Thanks for a dose of hope! I needed that. Love,
Beagle
I just finished reading a book on forgiveness. it made me realize that it is not just my abusers that I am angry with. I know I have much work to do. It also mentioned that forgiveness is not always totally possible. We may be able to forgive parts but not the whole. Forgiveness does not mean acceptance of what was done. It does not make it okay. Some day I hope we are all able to move on.
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