[JenB]

Yes, it's a done deal. Kilter is not coming home. The trainer decided that he cannot, in good conscious, have Kilter be a service dog. The 19 months I put into him and LOVED him has now turned out to just break my heart. I probably won't even get to see him again.

I can't even put into words how heartbroken I am right now... more than heartbroken. Add to it intense pain from recently diagnosed arthritis in my spine and my bpII (add in a couple of personality things) and life pretty much sucks right now (and that's putting it lightly). I am not putting this on FB because my trainer and I also friends and if he knows how hard I am taking this, it may affect him getting me a new dog, fearing that I am too weak to handle it. Please don't mention it there. Thanks.

The trainer is recovering from serious back surgery on 1/11 and a pulmonary embolism last week. He said that he will find me another dog - it's just so hard after falling so much in love with Kilter (not to mention the fact that I will have to start over from square one with the training and bonding with a new dog). I have no idea when the trainer may be able to find a dog (it took from Sept/Oct 2007 to Aug 2008 for Kilter), but there is the issue of when the trainer will be healthy enough to begin the training.

I am simply destroyed.

I also have TONS of crap going on with my father. Mr. B and I hardly talk and when I try, he pretty much gets annoyed. He has no interest in what I have to say, yet if he says something, I had best be paying total attention!

With all that is going on and my lack of relationships IRL I am totally alone. Pathetically, the only relationship where I can be real is with my T and that's not a daily thing, nor is it "real" per se. It's one hour a week and that just doesn't cut it. I do NOT have any idea how to dael with this. I have cut for the first time in years and frankly it felt good. I so very much want to die. I'm so exhausted and so tired of the roller coaster.

I said to my T last session "you know that cliff that I feel I'm hanging over the edge of? Well, the cliff has gotten about 1000 ft higher." I'm overloaded and so, so tired. The aloneness I feel is more overwhelming that I can begin to explain. When things are so terrible, I have nobody to call... nobody to come over, nobody to give me a simple hug, nobody to just sit and be with me. Nobody.

My T keeps telling me that it always gets better... but then it always gets bad, bad, bad again. I simply don't know how much more bouncing I can take. I just don't know what to say. I'm just tired of it all and tired that this keeps happening.

Thanks guys,
Jen

[TexanHoney]

(((((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))))

[Yeti]

(*~(*~(*~(*~(*~(*~(*~(*~(*~(*~JenB~*)*~)~*)~*)~*)~*)~*)~*)~*)~*)


I know how much Kilter means to you. I also know you worked very hard at it. I hope that things will work out for you. I will pray for you.

Yeti

[Beagle]

((((((Jen)))))

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. To bond with Kilter like that, expecting it to last must be so, so hard. Most other types of service dogs are fostered for the first year before they go to their person, and many dont make it! And now I see why the system works that way.

Hang on tight...you aren't as alone as you feel right now....you've spoken of family, friends IRL. Maybe they aren't with you at this minute, but they are a phone call away. Phone calls are pretty IRL!

And you, of course, have us! Not quite IRL in person, but still folks who love and support you.

Please stay safe, take care of yourself, and make it one minute at a time!

Love you,

[jane_l]

Oh Jen - I'm really sorry to hear that!!!

I feel the same way about my T.

Hang in there -and we are here!!

xo-JL

[iam_i_said]

It's tough to lose such a close buddy like kilter. Hopefully a new dog will sort of fill that emptyness inside your heart. I wish you well and hope that cliff gets shorter and shorter so you can feel the sand below your feet.

[sprout]

(((((((Jen)))))))
I know how attatched I get to my pets, and I'm sure you get even more attatched to Kilter with him being a service dog. I've felt the overwhelming loneliness. All I can say is to try and find someone to talk to. I know it's hard. I have no one to talk to. Sorry you're having such a rough time. (((((((((Jen)))))))))

[JenB]

Thanks for your support, my BF family.

The trainer did say that he will keep a new dog at his home for longer (Kilter had too many visits here starting very early on, so missed out on the consistency with the very basics). One of the things I really love about this trainer is that the bond is important to him. Many trainers simply choose dogs, train them and then "assign" them to a person in need. My trainer will choose a dog he believes will meet MY needs. I will begin to bond with him from the beginning and will be involved in the training and get to see him at class weekly.

In my opinion, that bond, especially with a psychiatric service dog, is vital! I need to learn his alerts and he needs to understand what his job is. For other needs, it may be possible for a dog to be thrown into a situation, but I am still a believer that this bond is vital to a successful psych service dog.

Also, I will learn as s/he learns. We will learn the commands and hand commands together so s/he's not in a position ready to work while I'm learning.

Also, the "pre-trained" dogs can cost up to $30,000 (that's the highest I've seen). That is a dog just handed over to me, a dog I don't know, a dog who's raring to go and I'm dumbfounded as I get a crash course in working with a service dog. With my trainer's method, I can call him anytime during training and afterwards. He believes that even after dogs are certified that just like people, dogs can continue to learn.

I simply agree with his methods. He focuses on positive methods. Hands bring positive things like food and affection, not hitting.

Anyway, with the trainer laid up in bed, he's bored out of his mind and can't help but think about all of the dogs and thinking about what breed of dog might work for me... he has his "feelers" out. It's hard to think about and I'm still in the early stages of mourning Kilter. I know that he is not giving up on me.

Enough of another one of my long and rambling posts. Thank you.

Blessings,
Jen

[Sami]

((((((((((((Jen)))))))))))))) I read this when you first posted it. I didnt want to just reply i wanted to think about it. However i cant really come up with anything to say. I know how you felt about Kilter and nothing i can say will make it any easier for you. I want you to know you can talk to me anytime. I am really sorry for your loss. Play with the kitties. I hope you will in time get a new dog.

[Elsbeth]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


Oh Sweetie,
I can just feel your pain coming through your words. I wish I could take just one thing away so maybe it would be tolerable but such is not possible.

I think the word "mourning" is a very good one. Although Kilter is alive, he isn't with you. That's a loss and we mourn our furry ones so deeply. I wont say MORE then a family member or friend, I will say DIFFERENTLY. And it's a terrible pain. Anything you can do to make iot better, imo, go for it. Healthy ways of course, but I consider going to bed with Ben and Jerry healthy! So, healthy is a relative thing. Remember the steps of grieving and remember how there is no set length of time for each step. Eventually, and maybe sooner then you think, you may get to the point where you can gain some pleasure through the fond memories of Kilter. But if that's too much for now, its OK.

Hold your kitties, if one or the other will stop moving long enough to let you and get some comfort from them. Or get out a lazor pointer and get a good belly laugh. Somehow something furry looking up at me with those irresistable eyes has always done wonders for me with any type of grief!

As for the rest, and i know there is alot of it, baby steps. It feels like you can't but have faith in you that you can! One day, one hour, one minute at a time.

I know it's hard when we have a setback in something like SI, but it happens. Now the important thing is to be sure to keep everything clean and make sure you dont get it infected and don't allow yourself to pick at it as it heals, almost a form of SI too for me in the past.

I know, all things you know. But I'm doing for you what helps me; To have someone who has been there remind me of what i already know. Somehow, reading it just helps me remind myself. Just trying to reassuring you that I know you know this and let you know why Im telling you stuff i know you know.

If there is anything I can do, you know how to find me. And don't hesitate to find me if you need anything!

Luv ya babes,

[JenB]

(((((((((((Sami and Els)))))))))))))

Thank you for your kind words. The kindness and gentleness you all have shown me has meant tons.

While I have tried not to cut, I reached my limit of emotions and had no other way to cope, so I did. Once last week and once yesterday. I have (as Els said) re-opened those wounds. I guess it is another form of SI, but it is also a way for me to "hide" it. If it is only one cut, anyone who may see it (should I pull my sleeves up too high by accident) it would appear as if I've only done it once.

I saw my T yesterday; he already knew I'd cut once (I email him, especially when things are really bad) and I told him about the time that morning. He told me that while he doesn't like that I SI, it makes sense that I did. The way he handled it was very non-judgemental (which is usual for him) and supportive - obviously not of the action, but of me. I HATE that it got to that point, but I felt understood when he affirmed that my reasons were valid.

I also told him that the SI was just the least of it. I am so, so tired of the things that keep popping up... it seems like daily. I just don't know how much more I can take or how much longer I can deal with it all. Mr. B is home from work today which makes me feel more alone. The silence is deafening; he hates when I'm on the phone; we don't agree on the same shows or movies. Basically we aren't getting along right now. He's not a bad person, it's just a bad time. My T and I are talking about this a lot to work through it. The facts for today are that I've gotten used to having weekdays to myself other than when I have to go out for T, pdoc or other necessary doc appts. Yes, I'm spoiled that way, but even when I talk, he gets angry. It's plain ugly and making my life worse today.

Sadly my suicide plan will not work with the storm and not being able to leave the house (or my secondary plan won't work with him home). I don't want to be here anymore. I'm at my limit and I cannot deal with the continuous cycles. My pdoc hardly knows me after 4 (?) visits. Last time I saw him he diagnosed me as being in partial remission because I had a few good days prior to seeing him. What the heck????? I would LOVE for that to be the case, but sadly, it is not.

He (pdoc) leaves T a msg after seeing me and they (pdoc and T) agree that slowly lowering my meds is a good idea. Ummmm, hello??? I've been asking for well over a year to go off of them and start over, but nobody was listening to me. I asked in May when I was in the hosp for a month, but the pdoc there said I would become psychotic if we did that. I'm confused and frustrated. I speak up and am not heard and now it's hopeless. I'm not in a safe place to go off of them and I can only pray that T will communicate that to pdoc or that pdoc will at least listen to me next week when I see him (first time since December/January).

The bottom line is that I SI'd to keep safe and because it felt good. But SI isn't working and I do not want to be here anymore. I've had enough - enough of my current situation and enough of the roller coaster. Enough of the meds. Enough of therapy - 10 yrs next month, not to mention countless incompetent ones on and off since I was 13. I can't do this any more.

Once again, I can't stop venting. I have no one - and can't talk on the phone even since it will just worsen the situation with Mr. B and I have to be with him all day. Thanks for reading my overly wordy post...

Blessings,
Jen

[Beagle]

(((((Jen)))))

Your post worrys and troubles me. You have some very definite plans in mind, and that's scary. If the snow is keeping you safe, thank God for the snow. "She" knows what "she" is doing after all!

Now let's talk about your docs. It doesnt matter how long your new pdoc has known you! If you are suicidal tell him so, bluntly. He doesnt need to know your past...just your needs and state of health today, this minute.

Docs should listen to you....but they are the doctor....they dont have to do what you say. If the pdoc in the hospital didnt want to start over on meds with you, I have to assume that it was his best medical judgment.

If this doc wants to try now, well you had asked for that, right? But things have changed....maybe the going off meds is needed to HELP the depression, to tweak the meds. I'm not a doctor, I have no idea. But good grief girl....you need to tell the doc what is going on with you now and that you are not safe. You need to call him tonite! or at least first thing in the morning. And say you are in crisis.

Maybe last week you were in partial remission. But today you are not. Things change.

In other words, I love you....keep posting if it helps to vent. But you need more than venting. Please take advantage of the medical help you have. Dont hold back. Go to the ER if you have to.

Just stay safe! You'll be glad you did, you can feel better and you WILL feel better.

Sending you good thoughts and lots of prayers.

[Elsbeth]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Jen))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I don't have much more to add. Just that I love you and want you to stay safe anif there is anything I can dp.d feel better. Please take advantage of those medical folks even if they give you lip. THEY work for YOU. Not the other way around!

Let me know if there is anything I can do. If that means a call at 5am, so be it! I'm here for you hon.

[Sami]

((((((((((((((jen))))))))))))))))))) you do have people who love and care for you. I know you cant see us but we are here and you have a voice and we hear you sweetie. Im glad at least you have your therapist. Im VERY glad you cant put your plans into place. However its very important to tell someone you trust you have made these plans and i suggest your therapist. Hang in there hun people DO care and this will pass in time .

[JenB]

Thanks (((((Ladies)))))

My T knows how badly I feel. He and I have the 10 yr relationship and I have a pact that I will call him before I do anything (cutting not included) and I always have. My pdoc is another story. I only see him every 6 wks or so and will only defer to him at T's recommendation.

MrB is home from work again today - in case anyone in the US hasn't heard, it was an historic amount of snow. Roads and schools are still closed, as are most businesses.

My T says that I cycle (stupid BP) and I think he is waiting it out for now unless things get worse. As far as having a plan... the thing about plans is that once I have one, I always have one. I don't know if it's the same for everyone, but I don't have to come up with something new everytime I get to this point. It's always that I'll "xxxxx."

Do I want to start over with the mes? Yes. Is now the right time? I don't believe so. I think the pdoc said about the decrease was because he thought that I was in partial remission... not listening that I had only a week of good days prior to seeing him. I didn't realize that was his diagnosis until I got home. I take his "encounter form" and leave. He doesn't know me and while I may have said that when I first met him, I told him the day I last saw him that I was slipping the day prior to my visit and was worse that day.

I wholly trust my T after 10 yrs and he trusts me. I also despise calling him, so that in and of itself keeps me from doing anything. I always have in the back of my mind that I will screw up and then that trust will be broken.

I HATE the hospital. I understand the purpose and will go in if and when it gets to that point. I mean, I've been in a bunch of times. I know I will be safe there and that it will allow me time to rest and pull myself together enough to be safe at home. It is also a time where I don't have to fight the thoughts (or at least not as much). When I write that to others I know it is the truth from experience. I also know it's no game.

Again, your thoughtfulness and concern is so important to me. While it's' not in person (although I desperately need that), it's good to know that people out in internet world understand and care. Thank you! Luv and hugs back at you

Blessings,
Jen